Danny | 33 | London, England | Irish Dancer
Growing up I was a very creative kid, though extremely sensitive. I remember being a typical 'boy' playing cowboys and Indians, climbing trees and all the other stuff young boys get up to.
I didn't like sports but I was very much into music and would choose playing recorder with the girls on the playground over playing football with the boys. It was around the age of 10 that I started feeling more of a pull towards other guys. At the time I didn't really understand it nor did I know what it meant. But from what I thought I knew, I knew it was bad, and that I shouldn't let anyone find out. "Although the term 'gay' was thrown around by everyone at the time as an insult, those who used it didn't really understand its true meaning, and neither did I." It was when I got to secondary school that I figured out what 'gay' actually was, and that I may be 'it' myself. At this point it became increasingly obvious to me that I was gay but I was terrified and didn't want to be, so I dated girls.
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You know something is wrong when you are with a girl, yet find yourself staring at and fantasising about someone else of the same sex. I think the mind can only do this for so long. It's actually quite an arduous task having to keep up the performance., but you go for the Oscar anyway to save yourself from being ridiculed and hated.
By age 15 I had reached a point where everything had come to a head. It was exam time, I was having to pretend to be someone and something I wasn't so I tried to overdose. I didn't really know what I was doing, or if I even knew that I wanted to kill myself. Maybe it was just to try and punish myself for being 'wrong' or 'different'. I'm not really sure.
Not too long after this my mum actually found the empty pill bottle in my wardrobe and asked what I had done and why they were in there. Naturally, I just shrugged it off. No more questions were asked and that was the end of it. In hindsight my parents should have maybe delved into the issue deeper to find out why and even taken me to counselling. But I guess they were in denial about what I had done and didn't want to face it themselves. For the next 3 years I pretty much just kept to myself and didn't try getting with anyone. But when I started college at 18 (I did performing arts) I was around other guys that were gay or in the process of coming out themselves. So with a false sense of security around me, I also came out to friends at college. I started noticing a guy hanging around the performing arts block. He started flirting, and became my first boyfriend. There was one problem with this situation. My auntie worked at the college I went to and I was scared that she would walk into the performing arts block one day and see me with him and tell my parents. So I ditched him, and dated a girl on the course. I ended up finishing with her after a short while too. |
I became friends with another girl on the course and started hanging out with her outside of college. One of her friends was gay and we ended up meeting a couple of times. One day he and another of his friends said they had to meet me one day as they needed to talk to me about something. They accused me of outing him to people, so to get me back they prank-called my house in front of me and pretended to leave a message on my parents answer machine saying that I had something to tell them when I got home.
When I got home, I discovered they hadn't left a message, but this fright was enough to push me back into the closet again to make sure there wouldn't be a risk of anything like this happening again. It worked for a few years until I was 20 when I tried dating a girl again, who turned out to be the last. I felt so guilty and ashamed about everything. I was messing myself around, and other people. After being bogged down with these thoughts, I tried to overdose again.
"This was the tipping point for me. I figured nothing could be worse than me wanting to end my own life, so when I was at a friends house one night, I composed a text message to my mum saying that I was gay, I had tried not to be, and that I was sorry."
I read over it, looked at my buddy and he just said “do it”. So I hit send! She called me within minutes and asked me how I knew for sure and that was it,until the next day when I had to go home to face the music. I don't think I've ever been as nervous as I was in that moment. When I got home I paused at the front door and said to myself “they know”. I started having all kinds of thoughts going through my head about what it was going to be like when I was inside, but I took a deep breath, put the key in the door and walked in. It was actually awkwardly normal!? Not much was said to me really other than my dad asking, “You aint gonna end up like Julian Clary are ya?” and later, “Don't expect me to go for a drink with my son in law at the pub”.
My parents were never exactly homophobic, but I did hear things like, “If my son turned out gay”, and, “All male dancers are gay” (I did Irish dancing). So there were enough things said while growing up that made all those years difficult for me, even if they weren't intended to cause harm .
My parents are actually really good now. They have met boyfriends, and even stayed with us. And to my complete and utter surprise, they actually gave up their bed for my ex and I when we went to see them for a visit. I couldn't believe it!
Looking back, all the stress and worry was for nothing. But when you're younger I guess you aren't really able to handle things as well and you maybe have a tendency to blow any and all thoughts out of proportion.
My parents were never exactly homophobic, but I did hear things like, “If my son turned out gay”, and, “All male dancers are gay” (I did Irish dancing). So there were enough things said while growing up that made all those years difficult for me, even if they weren't intended to cause harm .
My parents are actually really good now. They have met boyfriends, and even stayed with us. And to my complete and utter surprise, they actually gave up their bed for my ex and I when we went to see them for a visit. I couldn't believe it!
Looking back, all the stress and worry was for nothing. But when you're younger I guess you aren't really able to handle things as well and you maybe have a tendency to blow any and all thoughts out of proportion.
"I was convinced I was going to be disowned and shunned by my family but it wasn't the case at all. Coming out was the best thing I ever did. There's a sense of freedom that comes with it. You no longer have to worry about someone saying something to out you. You also don't have to endure the never ending questions about getting a girlfriend."
Looking back, all the stress and worry was for nothing. But when you're a bit younger I guess you aren't able to handle things as well and you maybe have a tendency to blow any and all thoughts out of proportion. I was convinced I was going to be disowned and shunned by my family, but that wasn't the case at all.
It did take them a few years to come around fully, and I know my mum was slightly disappointed that I didn't like shopping, or shoes. I think she had it in her head that with a gay son we could go shopping together? But I hate shopping. Sorry mum! I also think deep down they have actually become a little proud. I think my mum actually likes buying Christmas cards and stuff that say, “To my son and his partner”.
You can follow Danny on Twitter @DannyLewin
You can watch Danny's coming out story on Youtube
It did take them a few years to come around fully, and I know my mum was slightly disappointed that I didn't like shopping, or shoes. I think she had it in her head that with a gay son we could go shopping together? But I hate shopping. Sorry mum! I also think deep down they have actually become a little proud. I think my mum actually likes buying Christmas cards and stuff that say, “To my son and his partner”.
You can follow Danny on Twitter @DannyLewin
You can watch Danny's coming out story on Youtube
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