December 2012

I never came out . . .  By CJ de Mooi (@cjdemooi)


Everybody knows I'm gay and I wouldn't have it any other way but I certainly didn't have the traditional coming out experience. My dubious public profile obviously helps so my sexuality is openly documented and hopefully that acts as something of an inspiration to others. I've never hidden who I am but know for millions of people, it's necessary to do so. I feel deep sadness for any person who feels such deception is the only option.

I grew up in a very homophobic and abusive household. The two adults I was immediately related to were aggressive, violent, racist and looking for any target to exploit. The problem with such relatively affluent middle class environments is that no-one is prepared to believe such hatred and oppression can exist and thrive behind closed doors. Just after my 17th birthday I chose to sleep rough, a lifestyle that lasted 3 years, as it was preferable to staying where I was.

"I walked out into a torrential rainstorm, 
spent that night sleeping on carrier bags under 
a railway bridge and never looked back."



I grew up in Rotherham and from a very early age realised the way I was treated and the language and behavIour I was witnessing at very close quarters was not what I believed to be right. The words, treated with such disdain, of hate against people of other races, sexual orientations and nationalities were incredibly hurtful to me. I just assumed I was in the wrong and these were natural and correct attitudes. 

With further experience of course I understand these two ignorant under achievers were projecting their self loathing and failures onto vulnerable minorities as so many have done since.


"I knew I was gay from an early age but there was absolutely no-one I 
could talk to. I was unable to make friends and my ingrained experiences 
had left me unable to trust or get close to anyone else."



I was constantly and violently bullied at school, most significantly on one occasion when I was 12. I was in the school playground when a trio of 15 year old boys with cricket bats began hitting me right in front of the headmaster David Rigby. He watched the incident which was accompanied by homophobic abuse lasting a couple of minutes but when I appealed to him afterwards, he simply commented there was nothing he could do if I wasn't bleeding. A startling and all too common reaction to bullying, whether gay or not, even now.

In the house where I lived (I refuse to use the word 'home' because it certainly wasn't) repeated incidents developed as I became more self aware and vocal about the abuse I was suffering. At one meal where I objected to the use of racist language, the woman threw scalding coffee over me. I was out another evening with the man and was attacked in the street by 2 older boys while he just watched and carried on afterwards as if nothing had happened. I'll remind you, these were the 2 adults (again, I can't bring myself to use the more traditional terms) who gave birth to me and this is how I was always treated. Is it any wonder that I changed my entire name and cut all contact as soon as I was able?


The local police refused to get involved, with a female constable stating they wouldn't interfere with domestic disputes. I translated this as they didn't believe me and realised that was the all too widespread problem. If it's a child's word against an adult's, the latter version will be accepted as the former is simply attention seeking. Nobody was prepared to listen - teachers, police, adult friends and even a council therapist - all assumed I was lying. I was a sensitive, intelligent, theatrical and gay young man so naturally I just wanted everyone to look at me and was prepared to say anything to make it happen.


What kind of hell must it have been to force me onto the streets in my teenage years? I flatly refuse to let that happen to anyone else! Even though the first half of my life was utterly horrible, countless children go through the same and much worse but aren't fortunate enough to survive it. It is especially difficult for young gay people as they can feel isolated, different, vulnerable and terrified. I was very lucky being intellectually and physically able to cope (my sheer bloody-mindedness was a major factor too) but I'm crushed by the numbers who aren't able to enjoy the same outcome. 

Growing up gay is easier now than it ever has been, at least in this country. 

"However, I can't help but think about the tragic situation in some 
African countries, particularly Uganda, where gay people the 
death penalty for simply being themselves."


There will always be those who will hate someone just because he or she is attracted to members of the same sex. I've faced that very directly but I'm able and willing to fight to protect myself and others. The concept of live and let live is prevalent now but there will always be places, as I found growing up, where the very opposite is true.

So many youngsters tragically commit suicide every year as they feel ashamed, unsupported, unloved and terrified because they're gay. That is completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. Unfortunately, the popular press seem unwilling to face the problems of middle class abuse, gay youth problems and teen suicides, preferring only to highlight individual cases as one off tragedies. They simply aren't - hundreds of thousands of children are hurt every day in Britain and still we do nothing about it because if it's behind closed doors and not covered by mainstream channels, it can be ignored or even worse, denied.

"Discovering one's sexual identity can be a tortuous journey but most come through it and, in the modern western culture, enjoy fulfilling lives." 


However, I've met several young men and women who've hated themselves, have faced violence and death threats from family members and in a few terrible cases, have been badly beaten, killed themselves or been murdered, just for being gay. There are still those who consider this quite right and proper, some of whom are in positions of authority, responsibility and public service.

I've been an Ambassador for the National Bullying Helpline, have worked for Barnado's, The Albert Kennedy Trust, Stonewall, MAD Trust, Great Ormond Street Hospital and many relevant charities. Children deserve a childhood and should not be bullied for just being who they are! I will be public, persistent and very vocal doing what I can to help other people who've been through the same, or much worse, than me.

All day on December 25th I'll be walking around central London giving out food to homeless people and offering help and advice that some may be unable or too scared to access for themselves. No doubt some of those I meet, especially the younger ones, will be gay and petrified. If I can help just one, it will make the decade and a half of abuse I suffered completely worthwhile.
Follow CJ on Twitter - @CJdemooi

Check out CJ's Blog - www.cjdemooi.tumblr.com and website www.demooi.co.uk

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