Matthew Lister | An update to his RUComingOut story
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After I wrote my first piece for RUComingOut the response I received was phenomenal. I was getting messages not only around the globe, but from different areas of my life too. My intent in writing the story was merely to explain what an intimidating experience I had, like so many others, but how by sticking to my guns, coming out actually changed my quality of life drastically for the better. I felt I owed it to RUComingOut to write a follow up piece, to show just how beneficial this website is.
After my coming out story was published, I received messages via Twitter and Facebook from individuals who, whether they knew me or not, applauded my accomplishments and sought advice for their own paths. All of this was all thanks to RUComingOut and its founder Wayne. My parents were the first to react to my story - in such a positive way too. They were proud to see me really open up and share the story I had kept quiet, even from them, for so long. "I didn't know straight away but Mum and Dad had sent it around the whole family, our close family friends and their work colleagues. Hearing the responses was so touching." I know how lucky I am to have such a great support network behind me, like a lot of other people, I just never really realised how supportive they were. |
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One area of highly unexpected reactions I collected in bucket loads came from my team mates, not only the British team, but my international competition and their team mates too. People, who initially weren’t aware of much of my personal life embraced it with open arms - even those from backgrounds where being a gay is unmentionable. It was a great topic of conversation through the summer but I was dreading seeing them all again. I kept thinking that being around them at the races would be awkward in some way, but on contrary, it brought about so many close relationships.
Two responses I received in particular had the biggest emotional impact on me. On my way home with my amazing boyfriend Murray after a long day in the city, an unknown number called me. I rarely answer them assuming it’s going to be some dodge company trying to sell me cheap tat that I really don’t need! Also, on this occasion the weather was so grim and wet that I didn’t want to damage my phone, so I ignored it. I continued on my way when another call from the same number came through, followed twenty minutes later by a text. At this point we were almost home so I read the first line of the message…
‘Hey Matt, It’s ****, from school.’
Somehow one of the boys that had made my school experience a living hell had got hold of my number. My stomach hit the floor. What the hell was this going to be about? I read on. I won’t disclose the message as it was quite personal but it was as long as a novel!
Two responses I received in particular had the biggest emotional impact on me. On my way home with my amazing boyfriend Murray after a long day in the city, an unknown number called me. I rarely answer them assuming it’s going to be some dodge company trying to sell me cheap tat that I really don’t need! Also, on this occasion the weather was so grim and wet that I didn’t want to damage my phone, so I ignored it. I continued on my way when another call from the same number came through, followed twenty minutes later by a text. At this point we were almost home so I read the first line of the message…
‘Hey Matt, It’s ****, from school.’
Somehow one of the boys that had made my school experience a living hell had got hold of my number. My stomach hit the floor. What the hell was this going to be about? I read on. I won’t disclose the message as it was quite personal but it was as long as a novel!
"He had read my RUComingOut story via a mutual friend posting the web link on Facebook. He was mortified about the way I felt about how I had been treated through my teen years and in particular, his own contribution."
He spoke of how reading my coming out story had really moved him. He thought about the strength it must have taken me to continue even turning up for school each day. He knew he couldn’t go back and change the past no matter how much he wished he could. He said that had he known the extent of my suffering then he would have backed off for a start, maybe even tried to support me.
The apologies continued throughout his heartfelt essay which also acknowledged that no amount of regret would cover the cost.
"He said that he had just become a father and with his new born son ready to take world, he promised to make sure he was brought up to know right from wrong. He said that he hopes his son will become at least half the man I was back then and that he is proud of the man I have become."
In wishing me all the best for the future, he told me he didn’t expect me to reply and wouldn’t hold it against me. He hoped that I received the apology and would consider accepting it to any extent. He said that he follows my sporting achievements and so do all of the other people I used to spend my juvenile years avoiding - he told me they are all behind me 110%. He encouraged me to keep on with what I am doing, keep going to where I am going and stick to being the man that I am. He said he never dounts that I will reach my dreams. Then a simple goodbye.
I was stunned - just a wholly numb feeling humming through me. Then an overwhelming feeling came over me. I’m a highly emotional person anyway but this was different. So many different feelings rushed through me all at once, but most of all just a sense of relief, some closure at last. The individuals who had caused it actually knew what they had done. It may seem stupid to be so emotional about the response but it just made me wish I had spoken up sooner, I owed it to myself to do so, but was so scared I just kept ploughing on for over six years through some of the most life-shaping years of my life.
The other response that has had a particularly lasting effect on me was one from someone very close to my heart. My Grandma, who I was very close to, had had several run-ins with cancer and after several periods of remission, the final reoccurrence was to truly be the most vicious and evil of them all. I had heard from my parents whilst I was away training with the team, that it had come back with a vengeance. Immediately I knew it must be severe, because usually Mum would keep it from me until she can tell me herself, face to face. I made every effort to visit as often as I could but because it was such a distance to get to where she was, the cost and time was really difficult to contend with.
Before I left for my world championships I had gone for my third visit to the hospice to spend the day with her. We reminisced about the good old times, when I was a little nightmare running off when she took me to the Millennium dome, running off around Kings Cross, running off when we went to the Museum of London and again when we went to the Science museum and Duxford … you see a pattern here.
She was always a very independent woman, a little stuck in her ways one might say, probably where I get my stubbornness from. So to visit her time and time again and see the regression was so hard. She was becoming more and more dependent on her brilliant nursing staff. With each visit I always turned up at the door with newfound hope that she would back to her normal self, smiling and chuckling away, fussing far too much about whether I’d eaten enough, if I wanted a cup of tea, or trying to convince me that my hair was too long, and I’d look so much more handsome without the beard.
Losing her independence was the hardest thing to see. On a visit before the world championships in July I was accompanied by Murray, who wanted to let me have my space and time and so stayed out in the car. Just before I was about to leave she asked me if I had a ‘friend’ at the moment.
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"I knew what she meant and was a little taken aback by her actually talking about me being gay - it almost always felt like a taboo subject, especially with her." I explained that I had been seeing the most amazing, kind hearted, one of a kind guy and he had come with me but wanted to wait out in the car. Insisting he came in so she could meet him, I could hardly refuse, so I went to fetch him. I came back and she had begun to grow tired from a long day of visitors – the nurses kept joking that she was a nuisance with all her friends and family coming and going like they were visiting a celebrity! I introduced her to Murray and they got on like a house on fire. Another half an hour or so went by and we decided to let her get some rest. Murray said his goodbyes and went to wait for me in the car. |
"For the first time that day Grandma was beaming. She told me how lovely my boyfriend was, how burly he looked, and how she was so happy for me, that I had found a boyfriend that I was meant to be with, how when I looked at him it was obvious to see that he was that special someone that everyone looks for, and she told me to hold onto him and never lose him."
That was the first time my Grandma had accepted me for who I really was. Her best friend Bess had told me she had been wittering on all the next day about how wonderful my boyfriend was and it was as if the two of them were teenage girls again admiring from afar. When I got back from the World Championships with a 7th place and a silver team medal, I went straight back to see her. I couldn’t wait to tell her all about it. But when I got into the hospice she had taken a dramatic turn for the worse. It was heart wrenching to see but I knew that she knew I was there. I put the medal in her hand and told her about all of the antics we’d been up too. I sat with her for a few hours and then said my goodbyes. I went back again twice that week - once on my own and once with my parents and Murray, just to sit and be with her. The following week she passed away peacefully.
Grandma Pam was very special to me and to know that she finally truly understood me was one of the greatest feelings of all. She will always be a huge part of my life and I’m just so glad I have no regrets for sharing my world with her.
"The support from readers that I received in response to my RUComingOut story has contributed to my new drive to achieve anything that I set out to do."
This past year myself and Rhys (who I canoe with for Great Britain) have become National Champions for another consecutive year. We placed 7th in our World Championships in Wausau, WI, in the US and we won the silver medal at the European Championships in Solkan, Slovenia - only missing out on the gold by slithers of a second.
Moving forward we hope to be selected for TeamGB on the road to Rio 2016. We’re well on our way but there’s still another 3 years work to be done! Our main aims are to secure sponsorship deals to continue to fund our exciting but highly expensive path and to enjoy every second of the experience - just as everyone should do in every walk of life.
I guess the message behind this follow up piece is to really grab EVERY opportunity with both hands and appreciate what it can do for you. You’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish. Know that being persistent really can pay off. It’s how I managed to land the love of my life! I’m following this mantra myself with my next project delving into fashion design. It’s a lot of work, initially there’s a lot of mistakes, but being persistent and not giving in is already starting to show vast improvement! Let’s see what the future holds. Matt X
Read Matt's original RUComingOut story by clicking here . . .
Follow Matt on Twitter - @MrMattLister
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