Matthew Lister | 20 | Nottingham, UKOlympic Hopeful Canoe Slalom AthleteFrom the moment I became attracted to anyone else I’ve always been attracted to men. When I get asked "So how long have you known?”, my answer is that I guess I always have. I’ve always accepted it and I love being a gay man. But I wasn’t always so accepting.
As a young’un it was obvious to most that I wasn’t like the other boys. I was obsessed with hair and make up and played with Barbies. God, there’s even pictures of me dressed up in my older sister's bridesmaid dress which was taken when I was about three or four years old. For my sister's 10th birthday she held a Spice Girls party where her and all of her friends went to see the movie dressed up as their favourite… I went as posh spice. |
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I had a great childhood with not a care in the world, unless of course I broke something in the house and instantly bolted and claimed to have no clues as to what had happened. The only thing I wasn’t happy with was feeling I could not be completely honest with those around me whom I loved and cared for. All the way through High School I was constantly reminded of how cruel some people can be when they shouted things like 'faggot', 'queer', 'gay boy' etc down corridors, across the school field and even in the classroom in front of the teacher. I put on a strong face and lied through gritted teeth that I was straight.
"I tried my hand at girlfriends knowing I was only making things worse but I was surrounded by the best group of friends anyone could wish for. I wasn’t Out and certainly didn’t feel ready to Come Out until I knew I was well clear of the bullies and the hecklers."
Around the age of 13 I really began to take my canoeing to a more serious level. I was competing on a national level, pushing into the top ranks and was invited to try out for the Great Britain development squad for which I was accepted onto the team.
Again there were similar responses from immature peers regarding my sexuality but again I was surrounded in that area of my life by yet another huge collection of amazing friends who supported me whatever and never felt the need to ask questions. They just let me be the fruit loop that I am haha!
I was beginning to gain a little more information about all things 'gay' by the age of 15 and began to dabble with internet browsing. I came across several free gay forums and decided I would start to try seek out some guys in the same position I felt I was caught in. I met a few friends online who I kept in contact with via MSN and text and started to feel a little happier about what I was going through with being gay.
Again there were similar responses from immature peers regarding my sexuality but again I was surrounded in that area of my life by yet another huge collection of amazing friends who supported me whatever and never felt the need to ask questions. They just let me be the fruit loop that I am haha!
I was beginning to gain a little more information about all things 'gay' by the age of 15 and began to dabble with internet browsing. I came across several free gay forums and decided I would start to try seek out some guys in the same position I felt I was caught in. I met a few friends online who I kept in contact with via MSN and text and started to feel a little happier about what I was going through with being gay.
"I started to feel that I wasn’t a freak but merely just had a slightly different path to other people."
A little later on into my sporting career I began competing internationally and was exposed to a whole new world where I felt even more that I couldn’t truly be myself. Same old questions from new friends on the international circuit and me echoing my replies from school till I was blue in the face.
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Coming up to my sixth form years I was convinced I would feel ready to start to tell people how I really felt and considered setting myself a deadline to tell at least one person before the new year began. However, when it finally came to it I completely backed out again, something I still just wasn’t ready for because I was convinced my friends and family would treat me differently. So another year and a half passed before I met my first ever boyfriend who completely opened my eyes to a whole new world I had only ever read about. A world where he was happy being gay and had a social support network that was exactly what I had always dreamed of, yet never thought possible. And slowly, week upon week of learning more about his world caused my fears to waver. One evening I decided it was time to start to deal with this issue that had caused me so much emotional and social confusion. I only had a couple of months left at that school and I trusted my friends with everything so why not my sexuality; I decided that if they couldn’t accept it then they weren’t the right people for me. Harsh, but I knew deep down that it was also very true. I knew there was no time like the present so I thought about who was the person I felt I could trust the most, who I shared everything with and who I was certain would be happy for me. I chose one of my best friends Dan but just in case, I took the wimp's way and sent him a text! ‘I’m finally in a relationship and have been for a while now…he’s called Chris’. |
The second I pressed 'send' a huge rush of adrenaline came over me with feelings of fear, anxiety and excitement. That’s when I decided maybe texting him so late at night wasn’t such a great idea, I was going to get no sleep at all! But he instantly text me back with the response I had kind of expected anyway, ‘Oh cool, how long have you known? What’s he like? Is he good enough for my Matthew?’.
"The huge weight I had carried for so long suddenly felt as though it was lifting!"
After that step I knew that it was going to be a hell of a lot easier than I had expected to tell people. Which is why that week when I was travelling down to Nottingham for training I arranged to meet up for an evening with my very best friend Greg. Greg and I are as close as friends could possibly be. We tell each other everything, we are in the same team and travel all around the world together.
"When he hugged me and told me that I was still 'his Matty' and that it would change nothing I had a good cry, one final cocktail to celebrate before heading home."
The next couple of weeks consisted of exam stress and yet more selections for the GB canoeing team so I decided on a date later on at the end of the summer after everything was out of the way that I would tell my parents. However, before I told my parents that I was gay I decided to take a different big step toward that time, which was telling my sister. I had text her in the day letting her know I had something I needed to tell her later that evening. When it came to it we were sat in my room, she was checking her emails on my computer and I was just watching TV. She finally turned around to remind me I had something I wanted to tell her. That weight was back again and felt like it was crushing me this time.
My heart started pounding and I was about to bottle it when I remembered how amazing I felt when I had told Dan so just blurted out. She just turned to me, smiled and said ‘Really?’…’REALLY?’. This went on for some time until she finally admitted she had kind of guessed so long ago that it wasn’t really much of a shock, just a surprise that I had finally come around to admitting it.
My heart started pounding and I was about to bottle it when I remembered how amazing I felt when I had told Dan so just blurted out. She just turned to me, smiled and said ‘Really?’…’REALLY?’. This went on for some time until she finally admitted she had kind of guessed so long ago that it wasn’t really much of a shock, just a surprise that I had finally come around to admitting it.
That same weight had completely lifted until she asked me if mum and dad knew, and when I was going to tell them. So I explained the plan about the date I had set and she just wished me good luck. Roughly two weeks before the date I had set to tell my parents, I was in town with my boyfriend. We were walking down toward Queen's Court for lunch and a couple of drinks in the late summer sun when at the other end of the road I could see my mum and sister walking towards us. My stomach nearly leapt out of my mouth and I started sweating and shaking. Chris asked me if I wanted him to run into the nearest shop but I just grabbed him and told him that everything happens for a reason. We finally came face to face with my mum and sister. I introduced Chris to my mum. My sister was in stitches at the awkwardness of the situation and Mum just smiled, softly punched me on the arm and told me that I could stop lying now! Telling my dad later that evening was just as simple.
I ensured that I stuck to my rule. I’ve learned that by hiding the fact that I am gay doesn't hide me from the comments of narrow minded people. The more I gave people the opportunity to accept me for who I actually was, the more I learned to accept myself. The biggest hurdle I felt I needed to overcome was telling one of the most important people in my life, without whom I wouldn’t have achieved a fraction of what I have. Rhys Davies is my C2 partner for canoeing. We have trained together since May 2008. He comes from a very small, traditional town in Wales called Bala so I had pretty much already got it in my head that I would be stuck looking for another training partner who I would never match up to Rhys. On my 18th birthday we had been training in Nottingham and I invited Rhys, Greg and another close friend Tom up to Leeds to come out with my other friends to celebrate. I wanted us to go to a few of the gay bars and to meet up with my Boyfriend Chris. I knew I had to have the conversation with Rhys before we left else he would clearly find out anyway! I left it until the last second just before we jumped in the taxi. It wasn’t so much a conversation, rather me just blurting it out as we were leaving the house. At first he seemed very shocked and scared at the prospect of going to the gay bars, but he took it just as well as everyone else and he remains a fundamental part of who I am.
Now two years on I am happier than ever with being gay, I have so much light hearted banter with my team mates about it and I now tell my parents everything which makes us so much closer. My sister is still one of my closest friends and so is Greg. In fact, I really do believe that we have become much closer since the day I came out to him. For me, Coming Out has enabled me to visit so many places in the world through my sport because I was able to be comfortable with the people I compete with. It's meant that I have been able to learn so many things I would never have done if I had kept so closed off from the world and everyone in it. In my sport I am completely openly gay with the other athletes.
"I've won numerous titles in the UK and around the world
because I have been able to focus on the task in hand rather than
using up all of my efforts trying to hide what I am."
I became Youth Olympic champion at the Australian Youth Olympic Festival, won the Bronze medal at the Junior European Championships, Bronze Team medal for the European under 23s and a Bronze Team medal in the Senior World Championships. We are looking forward to competing at many more European and World Championships, World Cups and potentially the Olympic Games. London 2012 is a big ask but there is a chance we could still make it. However, if we realise that we are not quite ready for that..........BRING ON RIO 2016! Copacabana beach won’t know what's hit it!
You can read an update to this story, written in April 2013 by clicking here
Follow Matt on Twitter - @MrMattLister
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