Aaron | 31 | New Jersey, USA


They say hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, I’ve always known I was gay. According to my grandmother, she knew when I was around 8 or 9 (I am now 31). I could never put a word on the thoughts and feelings that went through my head. While I had always found women attractive, I felt something different towards men. I can remember those feelings vividly in high school when seeing an attractive guy from the football team or a fellow swimmer. There was just something about guys that made me look at them a little differently. I distinctly remember having a conversation with a friend my senior year in high school about if I was gay. He had told me he felt differently towards guys but didn’t know exactly what it meant and I said I felt the same way but didn’t think I was gay.

As it turns out, we both are.

When I was 19, I was getting ready to go move back to school for my sophomore year in college. I decided to call into a local radio station and request a Janet Jackson song during their retro lunch hour. The DJ was surprised I wanted to hear Janet Jackson (I have loved her since I was 9) and he was happy to play her. I believe I requested “Escapade”, which is still one of my favorite songs to date. He asked me to hold on the line and after he was done on the radio for that segment we chatted a bit and gave me his email address. We corresponded via email for awhile and eventually started talking on the phone. I had already moved back on campus at that point. I felt myself starting to fall in love with this man.
We’d talk almost every night and had great conversations. We were talking about what was going on between us and he questioned that I wasn’t gay. I admitted the feelings that I was having and I also stated for the first time that I was gay. After I cried a little he asked if it was okay for him to come visit me. Not knowing how my friends at college would react I said I would come visit him and I made plans to take the train that night. That first visit was magical and felt natural. He picked me up from the train station and we hugged. We took a ride and went to dinner at a really great Italian place on a river. We walked around and while we were standing next to the river he took my hand. The adrenaline rushed through my body but I didn’t pull away. We got back in his car and went back to his place, where I was going to stay for the weekend.

"I kissed a man for the first time that night and everything felt right in the world.
He asked me to be his boyfriend and I of course said yes."


This all happened between September and October of 2000. After that first visit, he visited me at school the next weekend. We spent the entire time together and had a great weekend going to the movies, watching TV, and just hanging out. I was going to be at home with my parents the following weekend and of course made up an excuse to go see him one of the night. That evening was the first time we told each other “I love you”. My heart raced and I was so happy. I finally like that moment was how relationships were meant to feel. The euphoria would soon come crashing down as I knew I had to come out to my parents. It was eating me up inside that I couldn’t be honest with them and I missed him so much that I actually broke down crying on campus while doing an organic chemistry problem set with my lab partner. She was shocked by how my mood suddenly changed and I came out to her. I felt relief and terror as it was the first person I had told. She didn’t even react. She just gave me a hug and was happy to listen to me talk about my boyfriend, fears about telling my parents, and whatever else I wanted to get off my chest. I now had a friend who knew I was gay and didn’t care.

The first weekend in November of 2000 I told my dad I was gay. I broke down crying on the phone and I could tell my dad knew what I was going to say next. While it took him by surprise he told me he loved me no matter what. He was just nervous about what my mother would say, as was I. He asked me to go to talk to a psychologist to make sure the feelings I was having were real, whatever that meant. I agreed to go and the psychologist told me that he felt my feelings seemed genuine. I knew I was gay and didn’t need anyone to tell me what I was and was not feeling but I was feeling so vulnerable that I agreed to whatever my dad asked.  I told my mom when I was home for Thanksgiving and, needless to say, the conversation didn’t go well. She blamed herself and questioned her parenting skills. I tried to tell her she has done a great job raising me. I was an athlete in college, studying chemistry, keeping up good grades, had a good head on my shoulder, knew right from wrong, etc… This didn’t seem to help. I even told her I went to talk to someone and she seemed more upset that he agreed with what I was feeling. She ended up driving me back to school which was not a pleasant car ride.

"We basically didn’t talk about my sexuality until I was home for the summer.
I was dreading this since I would be there for three months and would have to struggle with wanting to see my boyfriend and “hurting” my parents."

Me with Janet Jackson -
one of the highlights of my life!
Whenever my parents were to take a walk around the neighborhood, go to the grocery store, or leave the house in general I would go see my boyfriend for the evening. This always caused a fight the next day, specifically with my mom. She said she was sick to her stomach thinking about what we were doing. While I didn’t understand why she was thinking about “those” things, I tried telling her we would just hang out, watch TV, and enjoy each other’s company. The fights continued all summer, mean things were said, and tears were shed. I couldn’t wait to go back to school. During this summer though my parents did meet him, and liked him, but they couldn’t get over the fact they felt he turned me gay. Nothing I said could convince them otherwise. They did meet him a second time at a concert, of all places. I had won front row tickets to see Janet Jackson in Detroit, MI on July 30th, 2001. My parents took my other set of tickets and while they were walking around the arena during the opening act, we were too and ran into each other. It was very awkward for me but everyone was nice and we all went to our seats. I have to throw this next part in because it was so incredible. At this concert Janet picked me out of the front row and made me a part of the concert during a very sexy song (“Would You Mind” off the All For You album). My parents were there to witness their gay son get molested by Janet Jackson in front of approximately 18,000 - 20,000 people.
During my senior year the tension started to lift a little. My dad had confided my mom went to talk to someone herself as she couldn’t come to grips that she had a gay son. The session (or sessions, I’m not sure) must have been productive because her attitude seemed to change in the months since those sessions. Plus I had told my brother, who had no issues with it at all. He just wanted me to be happy. I had also started working a part time job off campus at a local Applebee’s as a server and host. I worked with college kids who loved me as the person I am. Even the managers who were obviously older had no issues with who I was and the fact I was gay. Being around adults of my parents age who accepted me was a huge confidence booster.

"I slowly started to come out to my friends from high school and college,
and everyone still loved me as much as before.
I truly became comfortable in my own skin."


As I was getting ready to graduate in June of 2003, I got a job in New Jersey and would be moving 600 miles away from home. At this point we broke up after two and a half years together. We had started to have some problems but I thought they could be worked out and was crushed as a result. After I moved, my parents and I talked more about what we had gone through together over the years. They had held out hope that after I moved I would start a new life and give women a chance again. When they realized that isn’t how it works and how comfortable I had become with myself their attitudes started to change drastically. They became more accepting and even met the first guy I dated in New Jersey after I suffered an on the job injury. They liked him and seemed much more comfortable with me as a gay man.

While my mom was struggling with coming to terms that she had a gay son, she instilled a fear into me about how the rest of my family would react. I told my Aunt (my mom’s sister) in the middle of 2004. She had always had a feeling I was gay and even tried to get me to tell her on a few occasions. It was very reassuring to have another family member on my side. In June of 2005, my best friend was getting married and I was bringing the guy I was dating. My grandmother was also going to be there so I had to come out to her too. This scared me more than anything. We have always been very close and anything short of a positive reaction was going to be devastating to me. Luckily, she couldn’t have been/still be more supportive.

After I told my mom of their reactions, I saw her attitude change a lot more as now she had more people to talk to. The extended family on my mother’s side found out after I accepted a friend request on Facebook from my oldest cousin (who is eight years younger than me) and he told the rest of his family. I kind of wanted it to happen that way so I could find out through my grandmother and Aunt how they reacted. Again, there was nothing but support and my mom’s attitude changed even more. I haven’t directly told anyone on my dad’s side of the family because I haven’t been too close with them over the years and I’m not sure they really need to know. I’m sure my uncle (my dad’s brother) knows as my cousins on that side do know. The way he treats me hasn’t changed one bit so I’ll take that as a good sign.

I have been very fortunate to have an accepting family and positive environment to grow in as an adult. My grandmother has even gone as far as to say if anyone (including her own brother) said anything negative about me and my sexuality she would cut them out of her life. That’s powerful for a woman who is 71 years young.


She’s a very progressive woman for her generation and it’s great to have such support from her. Even though the start was rough with my parents, our bond has grown even stronger as a result.

"I've been dating someone for about two and a half years now and my parents love him like he’s their own son. My partner’s family treats me the same way."
I am very happy with my life and who I am as a person. My experiences have shaped me into the man I’ve become and will continue to shape me as I get older. My only hope is that my niece’s generation and the generations after that will never have to experience the kind of discrimination the gay community has felt over the last decade or so. We have had it a lot better than the LGBT community did 40-50 years ago and I am quite grateful for all the barriers they broke for my life today in society. I hope I can do my part to make sure acceptance continues to grow.

Follow Aaron on Twitter - @JanetFan429

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