Zak | 28 | Minneapolis, MI, USA
I Like The Stubble: My Coming Out Story
I came out to my parents six years ago this Labor Day Weekend. I decided to tell them before anyone else because I needed their support more than anyone elses in this world. I'll get to their reaction later, have to build up steam right?!
Looking back over the years of my life, I somewhat always knew I was gay. I didn't know what to call it but I knew I was different. When I was growing up, I thought the attractions I felt towards my gender were just a normal thing. I wondered if this was something that everyone at some point feels and those thoughts would go away. Fortunately, they never did. I pride myself on being different and because of being gay, I am the person I am today. It doesn't define me but it's made me a stronger individual.
I always had friends that were girls. I had very few friends that were boys. I always received the sympathy of girls and thought this was just the way it was going to be. When I was a kid, my nickname was 'Bawlbaby'. I cried when something didn't go my way or when I was embarrassed. It was a mechanism so I wouldn't get teased more because it would bring sympathy or make the other person uncomfortable and they'd leave me alone...WIN WIN, right!? Not so much. I was teased all the time.
I came out to my parents six years ago this Labor Day Weekend. I decided to tell them before anyone else because I needed their support more than anyone elses in this world. I'll get to their reaction later, have to build up steam right?!
Looking back over the years of my life, I somewhat always knew I was gay. I didn't know what to call it but I knew I was different. When I was growing up, I thought the attractions I felt towards my gender were just a normal thing. I wondered if this was something that everyone at some point feels and those thoughts would go away. Fortunately, they never did. I pride myself on being different and because of being gay, I am the person I am today. It doesn't define me but it's made me a stronger individual.
I always had friends that were girls. I had very few friends that were boys. I always received the sympathy of girls and thought this was just the way it was going to be. When I was a kid, my nickname was 'Bawlbaby'. I cried when something didn't go my way or when I was embarrassed. It was a mechanism so I wouldn't get teased more because it would bring sympathy or make the other person uncomfortable and they'd leave me alone...WIN WIN, right!? Not so much. I was teased all the time.
I don't remember a lot of good times in school. I was made fun of for not being good at sports. I was made fun of for being skinny. I was made fun of for not doing well in school. You name it, I got made fun of. I remember one incident that is burned into my brain. It was my 8th grade graduation and I didn't get my hair cut before the date. My hair was long but instead of just being a 'cool' kid and leave it as is, I combed it over like a 65 year old man trying to cover a bald spot. Needless to say, my nickname from then on was Donald Trump. Not a good memory.
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Things are about to get a little more personal. I remember a time that I was made fun of by someone very close and dear to me and that I looked up to very much. They called me names and teased me because I acted differently, called me a fag and I was supposed to just take it. I stood up for myself at the age of 13 and tried to stand up for myself but they won out. This was extremely hard to deal with but like all kids, we just use it to build ourselves. I remember that this was the same time that I moved in with my grandparents.
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I moved back to the small town of Pawhuska and started my sophomore year of high school with all the bullies that teased me in elementary school and wouldn't you know it, they didn't forget my nickname of 'Bawlbaby'. I had that name till graduation. Around that time, I noticed that I wasn't dating girls like all my friends were and didn't have the desire to. I was never attracted to girls although some were my closest friends. I thought I might be gay by this point.
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"I remember looking at pictures online of men (you know what
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I hated myself and felt that I was a dirty person and no one could ever know about these thoughts. So I started getting very involved in church activities because I knew this wasn't something that God wanted me to be and if I prayed hard enough, I could pray it away. I also knew that this wasn't a healthy lifestyle because I was taught in 6th grade that when a man has sex with another man, he will automatically get HIV/AIDS. I was pretty terrified of being gay. I got involved in one of the most conservative churches to help me pray it away, Assemblies of God Church. Well, that didn't work because I still had these 'awful' thoughts. I graduated from High School never having a girlfriend but thinking I wanted to marry my best friend, Jayme. She was always my date to the prom.
I then started college and what a difference a day makes. I felt so empowered going to college and thought, this is where I'll stop being attracted to men and I'll find the girl of my dreams. I started going to the Church of Christ which is a little more conservative than Assemblies of God. They don't have instruments when they sing and women can't pray in front of men. I thought that weird but also thought, "this church will change me!"
I then started college and what a difference a day makes. I felt so empowered going to college and thought, this is where I'll stop being attracted to men and I'll find the girl of my dreams. I started going to the Church of Christ which is a little more conservative than Assemblies of God. They don't have instruments when they sing and women can't pray in front of men. I thought that weird but also thought, "this church will change me!"
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I tried this for four years. I remember going to visit my parents that first semester in Oklahoma City. It was around September and I'd been in college for just a few weeks. I thought that I would stop having these thoughts but they got worse and worse. "I was driving on Interstate 35 and
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Needless to say, one of the lowest moments of my life. Thank God I didn't do anything like that. I met a good friend named Cary, who now goes by Patrick. He and I hung out all the time. We clicked and I felt good about just being alone the rest of my life surrounded by friends and ignoring these thoughts would be easy. He was dating another friend of mine and was a great friend. Through the years I had a couple of friends come to me and tell me they were gay. Cary first then my best friend Vince. I thought, "They must be coming to me for help and just to talk." I was a little slow minded back then ;) They were telling me one, for support and two, because they were hoping that I would finally come out as well. Before my first senior year I was a 'super-senior' and I went on a couple dates with this girl named Lauren. She was exactly what I thought I wanted my wife to be like. I thought, this is how it'll work. But I still had attractions to men and couldn't stand to fake my life. I called Cary and talked to him for hours. Then I went down to visit him in Houston. Granted, I still hadn't told him that I was gay but we talked about a lot of stuff. I finally came back to Stillwater to start the new semester and couldn't just lie to myself anymore. I was telling my friends that there isn't anything wrong with being gay! I was telling them that God loves them no matter what! I finally took a sip of my own medicine. |
I told my parents first. I knew that I needed their support and I got it. I was terrified. I made a special trip for Labor Day Weekend to Albuquerque where they were living and I remember it being on the tip of my mind the entire weekend. I wouldn't talk the whole time pretty much. Then we were sitting out on the back porch the night before I was going to leave the next day. I thought, 'Now or never'. So I told them that I came in for a reason and I was mostly worried about my Dad's reaction. I knew my Mom wouldn't have a problem because she asked me if I was gay SEVERAL times! Of course I always got super-defensive when she asked but back to the story.
I told them and before I could get the words out, wouldn't you know it, I was bawling my eyes out. I was worrying I'd be disowned by my family, they'd never talk to me again, and tell the entire family that I was a freak. I tend to over-think things. They were amazing! My Mom was sitting there crying with me and my Dad was just quiet for a bit. I remember it vividly. (I'm tearing up as I'm writing this because I'm amazed at how blessed I am with the parents that I have.) I then remember my Dad looking over at me telling me that they loved me no matter what I was. It didn't matter to them. At that exact moment, years and years of guilt, self-hate, and a multitude of other problems just fell off my shoulders. It was like someone took a hundred pound weight off each side of my body, it was an amazing feeling.
I told them and before I could get the words out, wouldn't you know it, I was bawling my eyes out. I was worrying I'd be disowned by my family, they'd never talk to me again, and tell the entire family that I was a freak. I tend to over-think things. They were amazing! My Mom was sitting there crying with me and my Dad was just quiet for a bit. I remember it vividly. (I'm tearing up as I'm writing this because I'm amazed at how blessed I am with the parents that I have.) I then remember my Dad looking over at me telling me that they loved me no matter what I was. It didn't matter to them. At that exact moment, years and years of guilt, self-hate, and a multitude of other problems just fell off my shoulders. It was like someone took a hundred pound weight off each side of my body, it was an amazing feeling.
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I also remember the next morning before I left, my Dad walks up to me and just says, "with this decision, just be sure to wear a condom." I was like, WOW, that's good enough, thanks! It made me laugh. Oh and by the way, I learned my sophomore year of college about how a person contracts HIV and once I figured that out, my whole thought process changed! I told my parents to not tell anyone because I wanted to tell them but you know how parents are. My Dad called my brother and my sister and told them both and said "Zak's going to tell you that he's gay and if you have a problem with it, you're out of the family and we'll never talk to you again." Who can ask for more supportive parents than that!?
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"Mom was very excited and happy that I had finally been honest with myself and had the love and compassion to not say, "I told you so!" ;) Love you Mom & Dad!"
So I told my sister at dinner one night that I was seeing someone and his name was Nick. She almost choked on her salad! She was good at acting like she didn't know. I told my best friend Vince lastly because I wasn't able to be there for him like he needed me to when he came out to me and I felt guilty. I told him and it took him a couple days to deal with it but then he took me out on my first "gay-outing!" We decided to do it up big and it was Halloween. Amazingly fun! I've never looked back.
Still to this day, I have never slept with a woman, nor wanted to, and I've only kissed one girl. It was a random event and quite funny in my opinion. I was with a group of my friends and we were at a bar and she asked them if they had all been with girls. They all had and I said I hadn't. She asked me if I had even kissed a girl and I said no. She said, "Well how do you know you're gay?" I said, "You just know ;)" Then she came up and started kissing me! She was quite the firecracker! She was a gorgeous blond and I was flattered but then she had to ask, "So how was that?" I said, "I miss the stubble!"
Follow Zak on Twitter - @goofyzakb
Read Zak's awesome blog - TheRightToBeLeft.org
Still to this day, I have never slept with a woman, nor wanted to, and I've only kissed one girl. It was a random event and quite funny in my opinion. I was with a group of my friends and we were at a bar and she asked them if they had all been with girls. They all had and I said I hadn't. She asked me if I had even kissed a girl and I said no. She said, "Well how do you know you're gay?" I said, "You just know ;)" Then she came up and started kissing me! She was quite the firecracker! She was a gorgeous blond and I was flattered but then she had to ask, "So how was that?" I said, "I miss the stubble!"
Follow Zak on Twitter - @goofyzakb
Read Zak's awesome blog - TheRightToBeLeft.org
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