Susie | 36 | Portsmouth, England | Planning Scheduler


I always knew I was gay.  It didn’t need to be spelt out or even spoken about; it was just part of me.  I never dreamt of the white wedding, it didn’t really ever cross my mind because I knew I wouldn't marry, how could I? I also thought that feeling the way I did was a bad thing.  It wasn’t like being gay was discussed when I was younger. I mean there really wasn’t much ‘gay’ around at the time.  But if the topic came up it was clear in my family this was not a good thing to be.  It was not considered "normal" and fitting in and being "normal" was clearly what I should aspire to. And so I did.  I spent an awful lot of time aspiring to be normal.   I spent my teenage years forcing myself on dates with boys because I needed to have the accessory of a boyfriend to really fit in. I wasn’t a great girlfriend, I loved boys and men and had many who were my best friends but go past the friends bit and Houston, we had a problem.  I struggled and struggled, analysed what was wrong with me and why I had so my many failings and generally felt thoroughly depressed at how rubbish a woman I was. 
I stopped seeing most friends as they all had the fabled boyfriend and I was sick of feeling different so the best way to escape this was to isolate myself and not subject myself to the constant question of, "Have you got a boyfriend?"   But all along I knew.

I had the yearly fixation with Wimbledon and the fascination with Martina Navratilova who was the only out lesbian I had heard of. I even read her autobiography. I remember confessing this to a friend and her saying,"Oh, but she's a lesbian", like this was a reason not to read it. So I went back in my shell because clearly being a lesbian was not a good thing.  


I met my first girlfriend on the internet, I moved away to be with her and to escape people being too intrusive into my life. I thought I was free and I was for a bit.  We were happy to have each other and worked and lived together - it was us against the world for a while. But being hidden has its problems there is no one to turn to when the relationship has issues; they fester and burn and build up eventually turning into something very unhealthy.

We never considered coming out, it just wasn’t an issue and she was my boss which complicated it. I had no friends as I had moved and totally isolated myself and of course if I did make any what would I say about my relationship? I was sick of lying - it was easier to hide away.   My mum was obviously suspecting things and made it very clear every once in a while how awful she thought being a lesbian was.  I once lent her the film Monster. She returned it only partially watched. Apparently she didn’t want to see lesbians “all over each other" as it was disgusting and it made her shudder. Another time she said she would rather her son be a drug addict than gay. Bearing in mind my brother was a terrible addict (it caused so much hurt and suffering and he only recently passed away from drugs) I found this pretty shocking.  I still do. 

"My mum clearly
wasn’t going to be
an ally and of course,
those comments kept
the closet door
firmly shut."

After many years my relationship ended and I moved out. I had spent my 20's living a hidden life. As far as anyone else was concerned I was perpetually single, I had never gone to a work’s Christmas party with a partner and never held my girlfriend’s hand in the street. Well maybe once when we first got together and some boy shouted lesbians at us and we quickly put our hands back in our pockets pretending not to be hurt. Never been able to snuggle up in front of anyone as couples do. Never been able to introduce my girlfriend for who she was. And the worst thing about it just never just being able to truly be ourselves and have our relationship acknowledged. 

The turning point for me was the meeting of my next girlfriend.  She lived back where I grew up. We had played netball together but she was married with kids then. In fact it was my mum that told me she was gay now.   So I did what any good lesbian would do and looked her up on Facebook :) We met after many years and in good lesbian fashion got together immediately.  She was open and out to everyone and I loved this. I was fascinated that she was out and that it was OK that people didn’t care and accepted her.  She told me she was proud to be my girlfriend and didn’t want to hide it so encouraged me to come out.  I knew I would. I had changed and decided that I deserved a chance to live an open, honest life. I had compromised and hidden for so many years and I was so unhappy. I decided that no matter what my parent’s reaction I would accept it but I felt I deserved the chance to be me.

I told my mum over the phone it was in discussion over what was happening at Xmas and I had said that I would like to spend some of it with my girlfriend and my mum asked why. So I told her why.  She cried, said it was disgusting and not normal but by this point it all sounded pretty shallow to me. I was happy, in love and felt more "normal" than I ever had. I thought my dad would probably disown me but he came to the phone and said that if this was what made me happy then he was fine with it.  He did get part of the blame for it though as my mum blamed his side of the family for my inherited gayness. The women on his side of the family never married and one was a PE teacher in an all girl’s school! This still makes me chuckle.
That particular relationship was a bit of a disaster but I will be forever grateful in that it enabled me to come out. And that was it, there was no going back. After 33 years I was finally me and it took some adjusting to but it is very liberating.  But I have to say that every one of my friends without exception was great about it. No one minded in the slightest so I feel very lucky.  And my mum, well she started to accept things pretty quickly she realised things wouldn’t change and that perhaps maybe life could be quite nice with me and my girlfriend.  She has been to us for dinner many times, we go round to hers, have days out and my mum often texts my girlfriend and always sends her love to her. A total turnaround. Some of her good friends have children who are gay and I suspect this has helped made it easier.

"I imagine me being gay hasn’t been as horrendous as she imagined.
Fear makes people behave in silly ways." 

So finally I am allowed to live. I am allowed to be who I always was, allowed to openly love who I want and am able to find happiness as a result. My only sadness is the years I waited to do it but I have to focus on what I have now and enjoy every single day and I can tell you I do.  I've never had such a full and exciting life and am 2.5 years into a very happy and healthy relationship. It took a long time but finally I am out and I am free.    

Susie has a blog! - http://stargazersusie.blogspot.co.uk/

Follow Susie on Twitter - @PompeySuz



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