Susan | 28 | Bedford, England | NHS Direct Team Manager
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"I was born a lesbian, no other way to describe it. I didn’t play with dolls and make-up, I played with trains and Lego. I had no choice in the matter, but I tried to."I remember a conversation me and my mum had around the time I was in my early teens. We got into a conversation about gays and lesbians. I don’t remember the exact words, but my Mum spoke about what the Bible says about homosexuals, and how it’s an abomination, and I remembered thinking ‘whatever I am, I don’t want to me one of them’. Needless to say, I buried any feeling I had like that as far as I could. Moving into secondary school, I became very unwell (I won’t go into all that) but I spent most of the time from 12 to 15 at home, because I was too unwell to be in school. I recovered for my last two years at school, and I avoided anything to do with dating as much as possible, it was far more important for me to catch up on all the friendships I missed, and all the work I missed. When it came up, I made all the appropriate remarks about boys, ones I fancied etc. but that was it, all talk.
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When college came around, I was still desperately trying to bury every feeling I had about my sexuality, I did not want to be gay for fear of my parents’ rejection. It was getting harder and harder though, the feelings were unavoidable. I managed to have one boyfriend to keep my straight mask on, but it was a sham, and didn't last very long. It was just enough to keep people questioning my sexuality. Hiding what you are is hard work though, I drank excessively, and I was a mess inside. I had no-one to talk to, my friends would have been supportive I am sure, but I didn’t want to be gay, so the thought of admitting I might be was not an option.
The internet changed my life. At 17 we got a PC and the internet at home, and I started going into chat rooms. One day, I saw a chartroom that was for bi-curious, bi-sexual and lesbian women. Something made me enter that room, and I just sat watching conversations. If someone tried to talk to me, I just said I was curious. After going in there a few times, I started talking to people, within a few weeks I was a room regular, and I was introducing myself as a lesbian. I had made the first step in accepting myself.
The internet changed my life. At 17 we got a PC and the internet at home, and I started going into chat rooms. One day, I saw a chartroom that was for bi-curious, bi-sexual and lesbian women. Something made me enter that room, and I just sat watching conversations. If someone tried to talk to me, I just said I was curious. After going in there a few times, I started talking to people, within a few weeks I was a room regular, and I was introducing myself as a lesbian. I had made the first step in accepting myself.
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Between College and University, I had started talking to one girl in particular, and we started to exchange numbers etc. We had plans to meet up, once I was at Uni, living away from home and therefore away from my parents. We had exchanged addresses, and she wrote me a letter that changed everything. It was the only letter to arrive on that day, and as I got it, my Mum saw. She was simply curious about who was writing to me. I told her it was just a friend I was writing to that I met online, but that opened up 100 more questions. In the end I handed her the letter and sat silent. I was shaking; my heart was pounding as my mum read the letter. She instantly recognised it was a love letter, and turned straight to the last page, signed Love Gemma. At first she just said ‘I don’t get it, that’s a girl’s name’, then it was something like, ‘so that means your A ..’. She started crying, and saying what a shame and how hard my life would be, and was I sure, because I wouldn't be able to get married and have children and live a 'normal' life.
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My Mum then took over my coming out, I don't think she will never realise what she did to me. After my Mum knew, I was all for telling all my family. However I was forbidden, we were having a family holiday just before I was due to leave for Uni, and I was forbidden to tell anyone else in case I ruined the holiday. So I stayed in the closet, and my mum made my life very difficult for two months. Sometimes she would talk about it, and she would be accepting enough, but there were times when my dad would be around, he would leave the room, and she would say something like ‘I don't know how I can tell him’, or ‘Your poor dad, however is he going to cope’. My coming out, became about her, she would tell me how hard it was for her having no-one to talk to.
The family holiday came, and it was a nice holiday, but I was on edge the whole time, I wanted to be free of my burden. As we were leaving to go, suddenly Mum said she was going to tell my oldest sister, right as she was about to drive back with her husband. I didn’t get any say, my dad was elsewhere, and my Mum went out to her car and told her. To my sister’s credit, she got straight out the car, came to me and hugged me, and said she couldn't care less what I was if I were happy. I tried to stand up to my Mum and said I wanted to have done it – but she said she needed someone to talk to, and I didn’t understand how hard it was for her.
The family holiday came, and it was a nice holiday, but I was on edge the whole time, I wanted to be free of my burden. As we were leaving to go, suddenly Mum said she was going to tell my oldest sister, right as she was about to drive back with her husband. I didn’t get any say, my dad was elsewhere, and my Mum went out to her car and told her. To my sister’s credit, she got straight out the car, came to me and hugged me, and said she couldn't care less what I was if I were happy. I tried to stand up to my Mum and said I wanted to have done it – but she said she needed someone to talk to, and I didn’t understand how hard it was for her.
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She did the same with my other sister; she told her when she was ready. Again, my sister came to see me straight away and said who cares what you are, and ‘I thought so’. I still was not permitted to tell my Dad, I had actually left and was at Uni, and I had gone back for dinner. As I left, on the doorstep, my Mum said she was going to tell my Dad as soon as I left. I walked out the house a wreck, trying to compose myself to get home. Mum rung me shortly after, said she didn't know what I was worried about.
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"Dad came on the phone and said he didn’t have any problem with whatever I was, I was still his girl." |
No one else I told reacted badly, once I had firmly arranged to meet this girl, I told all my Uni friends that I had met someone and who they were etc. and everyone was just so happy for me. The college friends I was still in touch with all supported me, and others came out as well. Everyone just accepted me for who I was. University saw me become out and proud, and I was free of the lies and self-doubt I had lived with until then. I have never once since felt the need to hide who I am. My experience might sound negative, and it was difficult for those few months, however it made me stronger in time. My only regret is letting someone else take control. I wish I had told both my parents before my Mum found out, I wish I had gone with my instincts and told my sisters and Dad as soon as my Mum knew. That would be my only advice, once you have accepted yourself, get it all out of the way.
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As for not having a normal life, I met Donna almost six years ago. We got married in 2008 in a wonderful civil ceremony, with all our friends and family and we are now thinking about starting a family. I have everything anyone else might have, I never falter about telling people I am gay, I have accepted who I am inside, and really, nothing else matters.
I don't blame my Mum for her reaction, she was raised and is a proud Christian and her immediate reaction was partly shock, and also a battle with her beliefs and feelings, which I respect. Me and my mum are very close, and she was the biggest supporter when me and my partner had our civil partnership. She has also been trying to promote acceptance within her Baptist church. Her immediate reaction was just that, her long term acceptance and feelings are very different.
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