Simon | 25 | Leeds, England | Supermarket Buyer
I wanted to share my coming out story with you as it was a challenge spanning a few years and various stages. I've broken it into three fundamental chapters to reflect these 'stages'.
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Saying It Out Loud I was 14 when I first told my friends at school. I was at a sleepover and we were discussing who we fancied. I was sat in the bathroom for an hour feeling like my stomach had been ripped out. "Do I tell them - do I not?" - "What will they think?" - "Will they all run a mile?" etc. My big concern was (and remained until recently) that it would cause a massive wedge to fall between my friends and I. In the end I braved it and said, "Stuart". At first they thought I was joking. There were a few giggles of astonishment, and when I reaffirmed these became giggles of excitement (the majority of my friends were girls so the usual "someone to shop with" stereotypes came to the fore. Sadly for them I shop out of necessity, never pleasure). It became common news at school very quickly but nothing really changed. "I didn't change and people saw that positively.
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'Telling' The Folks Living in the middle of nowhere and being too young to drive, the Internet became my friend. Not the best place to connect with people if I'm honest - sex was rife and many 'friends' often wanted something a little more active than a coffee. I got into a cycle of building relationships with people based on a 20 minute (if I was lucky!) interaction with them. But with every 'meet' I only felt cheapened and became gradually bitter. I had no gay friends and I didn't really interact with gay people. I almost developed a double life that became quite apparent by the time I was ready to go to University. So naturally (and after a lapse approach to deleting my Internet history) my parents approached me. |
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I was asked if I wanted to talk to someone, as you'd expect. I said that I didn't because I knew who I was.
The interesting thing is that my mum was actually angry with me. She didn't understand why I didn't tell her before anyone else. I explained that for me, I could never have told the last person I'd want to lose before anyone else. The explanation made her understand the fear about coming out better and she said nothing more from then other than that she would always love me no matter what.
My dad was a bit different. He was 57 at the time and from a generation where 'gay' and 'open' were only close in the dictionary. He said that he respected my decisions, but nothing more than that.
The interesting thing is that my mum was actually angry with me. She didn't understand why I didn't tell her before anyone else. I explained that for me, I could never have told the last person I'd want to lose before anyone else. The explanation made her understand the fear about coming out better and she said nothing more from then other than that she would always love me no matter what.
My dad was a bit different. He was 57 at the time and from a generation where 'gay' and 'open' were only close in the dictionary. He said that he respected my decisions, but nothing more than that.
"In fact, none of us spoke for the next three weeks."
It should have felt like a massive weight had been lifted, and at the time it did, but looking back my behaviour didn't change. My feelings about it all didn't change. I became increasingly competitive for one; knowing now that I was desperate for people to think well of me so I still carried that fear that people would judge if they knew the real me.
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My First Love I was 24 when we met. I was 10 years on from the first stages of my coming out while he was new to it all and still struggling with a few insecurities. Inevitably, a combination of both our insecurities ended the relationship, but for six months I was happier than I ever had been. Being with him, meeting his family, sharing Christmas, Valentine's and his birthday were all fundamental things I hadn't experienced before. What was important for me was how comfortable I felt. The important element of meeting him though, was losing him. I'd fallen in love (probably a few months sooner than I said - but I was always to scared to say) and then one day he turned round and said he couldn't cope. We agreed to split, but to stay in touch. That wasn't the best idea as my self-esteem plummeted as a result seeing him but knowing he didn't want me. We cut contact completely which was even worse really but an important step for us both. "What was interesting is that I tried to fall back into performing - pretending I was someone different. Or adapting to match the people around me so I didn't feel different or on my own."
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But it didn't work. In fact, because I hadn't accepted all aspects of my life I was fundamentally trying to deal with a problem I had from someone else's perspective - I kept missing the big part. I tried distracting myself, treating myself - but when things get cancelled or don't work out as planned, it plummets you back.
I had to move home in the end as I was very low; crying uncontrollably or being very angry. I hated it. I eventually saw the doctor who recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I'm yet to start, but admitting I needed the support was so important and really helped to move me on.
I made so many changes; cut out people I didn't want in my life anymore, ensured I did what I wanted to do and chased the odd dream. There were a few lucky moments such as work becoming amazing and even getting better. With that positivity in my life my persona changed and 'I' started to surface. I know I'm not there yet, but I know I'm closer than before.
I had to move home in the end as I was very low; crying uncontrollably or being very angry. I hated it. I eventually saw the doctor who recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I'm yet to start, but admitting I needed the support was so important and really helped to move me on.
I made so many changes; cut out people I didn't want in my life anymore, ensured I did what I wanted to do and chased the odd dream. There were a few lucky moments such as work becoming amazing and even getting better. With that positivity in my life my persona changed and 'I' started to surface. I know I'm not there yet, but I know I'm closer than before.
"Looking after myself, keeping the right people around me and forcing myself not to run away from my challenges in life, means that now, at 25 years old, I'm actually happy in my core."
I'd urge you to keep the right people close and not to worry about pushing others away if they are not what you need. Don't keep things to yourself either - in the end it only helps you to run away from it all. Regrettably it took losing someone very important to me to realise it, but it has been the best thing that could have happened to help me be happy with who I am.
Not the cheeriest of stories, but I hope it helps to provide a different perspective! People always worry about other people's reactions - sometimes it's our own that is the worst.
You can follow Simon on Twitter - @sMillea87
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