Sam | 22 | Dallas, TX, USA | Film Director
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This story starts with a rough beginning. I was molested by 3 separate older men in my life from the age of 8 to a little over 14. I went through puberty with a lot of sexual contact from older men in my life that I looked up to. They were my role models. I wouldn’t come to terms with what was actually happening until much later. I don’t remember where I was, or what the epiphany moment looked like, but I remember coming to terms with the fact that I thought boys were cute instead of girls. Then, I remember being terrified. You see, I’m a Christian (I know, I know) and I was raised in a Christian home and community. I was baptized upon birth in the Church and that’s all I’ve known. When my family moved from Illinois to Texas, we joined another church near where we lived. I’ve always been surrounded by people telling me how bad homosexuality was and how I should never be a part of it. My parents worked in the church and were well known. The person who molested me there was the son of the kid’s ministry pastor. He was the second in the succession of molesters. He was also a friend of mine at the time. This began an incredibly confusing time where we would have sex and, because it felt good, I felt like I made the decision to continue and thought it was my fault that this was happening. That’s a lot to deal with as a teenage kid in the church. |
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I kept the situations quiet from anyone because a.) I didn’t want things to reflect poorly on my parents (by the way, my parents are incredible and you’ll hear more about them later) and b.) I didn’t want anything to happen to the guy who was molesting me. Eventually, his parents found out, blamed me, and moved their family to another state.
"This left me at 14, feeling all alone in a sea of people who
would seemingly hate me if they knew the real me."
I spent the next 4 years praying that God would take these feelings away. I remember telling Him that I wanted to be straight and make people happy. I wanted to make HIM happy, but the prayers didn’t seem to work.
Eventually my parents found out about molester #2 and my feelings and they put me into counseling (for the trauma, not reparative therapy stuff). Afterwards things were still awkward with my parents, but we kind of made a pact not to talk about it. Later they found out about molesters #1 and #3. These were both family members and they were devastated about not being able to protect me. I don’t hold anything against my parents. I don’t think any of what happened is their fault.
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This brings us to 18 year old me. I had come out to a few people in High School (I went to a Christian Charter School) to disastrous results. The people I told in confidence ALWAYS told other people and burnt me.
So High School graduation rolls around and God calls me to a Christian college in Texas. I’m a filmmaker. My first thoughts were, “What?! Christians suck at making movies! I wanna go somewhere else!” Eventually I relented and enrolled in the college. I decided that being burnt in High School wasn’t fun at all. This time I did the opposite. In the heart of conservative Texas, at a Christian college, I decided to be out. Not “We’re here we’re queer!” out, but just open about it with the people around me. I was quickly known as the gay kid in school, and for the first time in my life it wasn’t a bad thing. "Students in the program I was in embraced
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It was just another facet of my life that they accepted. I did get my fair share of jokes and awkward (hilarious) questions, but that was about it. The generation of students I went to school with were tired of how the Church had treated gays in the past and made it a point to treat me with love and respect.
I was so open that the staff didn’t find out until the end of my first year in college, and they were not happy.
I had a meeting with the staff where I was told that a.) I MUST go to counseling for or I’d be kicked out, b.) I am no longer a gay student; I am now a “man struggling with homosexuality.” They told me that they couldn’t have a gay kid graduate from their program. Finally, c.) I could no longer refer to myself as gay around campus. I had to keep it quiet and have meetings with the staff.
Fortunately, the students all thought this was bullcrap and treated me exactly as they did before, if not even better and more protective.
I finished that program after 2 years and went on to another Christian college and did the same process (the staff never found out) to great results. The students there were just as loving. This is about the time I officially came out with my parents, because I had made and effort to go to counseling to try and be straight. It didn’t work.
After graduation, I sat down with my parents (and later the rest of my immediate family) and we had a long conversation about where I was at in life. I came clean and basically said, “Listen, I’ve tried everything. Praying, therapy, straight porn; and nothing has worked! I feel like at this point it’s settled that I’m gay and I hate discussing it with you because I know you want me to marry a woman and have kids and all that jazz and I can’t do that for you.”
I was so open that the staff didn’t find out until the end of my first year in college, and they were not happy.
I had a meeting with the staff where I was told that a.) I MUST go to counseling for or I’d be kicked out, b.) I am no longer a gay student; I am now a “man struggling with homosexuality.” They told me that they couldn’t have a gay kid graduate from their program. Finally, c.) I could no longer refer to myself as gay around campus. I had to keep it quiet and have meetings with the staff.
Fortunately, the students all thought this was bullcrap and treated me exactly as they did before, if not even better and more protective.
I finished that program after 2 years and went on to another Christian college and did the same process (the staff never found out) to great results. The students there were just as loving. This is about the time I officially came out with my parents, because I had made and effort to go to counseling to try and be straight. It didn’t work.
After graduation, I sat down with my parents (and later the rest of my immediate family) and we had a long conversation about where I was at in life. I came clean and basically said, “Listen, I’ve tried everything. Praying, therapy, straight porn; and nothing has worked! I feel like at this point it’s settled that I’m gay and I hate discussing it with you because I know you want me to marry a woman and have kids and all that jazz and I can’t do that for you.”
"My parents hugged me and told me that there was nothing I
could do that would ever make them not love me anymore."
They told me that I couldn’t fight for their proudness, because they were already proud of me and couldn’t be more proud. They still disagree with my lifestyle, but they’re not beating over the head with scripture and doctrine. They would even treat potential boyfriends and spouses with love, just as they would for my straight siblings.
So here we are at today. Coming out to my family and friends has been a deeply scary, and yet rewarding experience. I’ve graduated with a degree in Film and I’m working on my Masters in English. I am gay, and I am a Christian.
"God and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on things, but I
know that He loves me, and I’m willing to love Him back."
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