Ryan | 19 | University Student | Bournemouth, England
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It was at the age of 13 when I first realised something that would change my life forever. I was just your typical teenage boy who had a passion for football and loved hanging out with my mates - except that I was gay. When I look back I think the first time I realised I was gay was when my mates would talk about female celebrities they searched for on Google. They would show everyone who they found attractive and explain why. Don't get me wrong, I knew they were pretty but I never felt attracted to them. I would always say that I had a crush on Cheryl Cole or Rachel from S Club 7. I'd always search for guys on Google and not girls. I knew then that something was a bit different but I thought it may have just been a phase that I would soon get over. Back then I wrongly believed the stereotype that all gays were as camp as Christmas and over- exuberant, which is why I didn't think anything about my 'phase'. For years I carried on living that 'normal' life, but by the time I reached the age of 17 I'd come to the realisation that I was only attracted to guys. I hadn't had a girlfriend, never felt truly attracted to a girl and would only make out with the opposite sex just as a smokescreen at parties. I felt like I was living one big lie. |
"By this time I had gone into a period of severe depression. No one else at my 6th form had come out of the closet so I felt completely alone, with no one to talk to about my feelings."
I always had something telling me that all of the reactions I would get from my family (if I told them I was gay) would be bad. This would deter me from telling anyone at all and living life completely lonely and therefore unhappy. My head was also telling me that being gay was disgusting and something I should be ashamed of and sadly I believed my head - therefore I could never fully accept myself being a homosexual. This would ultimately lead me to attempting suicide (something I know I will never do again) - I just felt that it was the only way out of my living hell.
The first time I told someone about my sexuality wason the 1st of March 2012. It all occurred when I completely broke down both mentally and physically, not being able to carry on living the way I had been. My mum came into my bedroom, sat down with me and asked what was really wrong. I couldn't spit out the words - I wanted to but I physically couldn't. It was at this point that I decided that if I couldn't say the words I would write them down on a piece of paper. Three words that would change my life forever - I am gay. She read the words while I was shaking uncontrollably and fearing the worst would happen. "I'm so proud of you", she said and then gave me a huge hug; the most heartwarming and emotional hug I have ever experienced. I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I then jokingly said "Sorry mum but you've got a gay son", and we both laughed.
The first time I told someone about my sexuality wason the 1st of March 2012. It all occurred when I completely broke down both mentally and physically, not being able to carry on living the way I had been. My mum came into my bedroom, sat down with me and asked what was really wrong. I couldn't spit out the words - I wanted to but I physically couldn't. It was at this point that I decided that if I couldn't say the words I would write them down on a piece of paper. Three words that would change my life forever - I am gay. She read the words while I was shaking uncontrollably and fearing the worst would happen. "I'm so proud of you", she said and then gave me a huge hug; the most heartwarming and emotional hug I have ever experienced. I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I then jokingly said "Sorry mum but you've got a gay son", and we both laughed.
"I then told my dad, sisters, brothers and my step family and they all gave me such great reactions. I don't even know why I was fearing it in the first place. I truly felt accepted."
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However, this wasn't the end of my journey as I still had school to contend with. The fear was growing because I knew I had to tell my mates one way or another and the last thing I wanted was for a rumour to spread and they find out that way. It was at the end of break time and I told a few of my closest friends to stay behind for a word. I got upset not knowing what I was going to say and then I told them that I was gay. They were a bit shocked but they were all really supportive and I couldn't have felt any happier. It was like nothing had changed - for the most part anyway. I had a few friends that did act differently towards me but I was expecting that, I knew it wasn't going to be all plain sailing and rosy. I felt truly happy for the first time in my life and decided to come out to everyone via Facebook. Once again, the majority were accepting and acted like nothing had changed although there was a minority that weren't. I did receive homophobic abuse - faggot and queer to name a few of the choice insults. I also received a couple of threats which really got to me, in fact they scared me big time.
After my exams I decided to go to university at Southampton Solent where I study Accountancy and Finance. I went into halls and decided against telling my flatmates right away that I was gay for the simple reason that I didn't want to be judged as soon as I went to uni...something I later regretted. Once again I faced the situation of coming out and it ended just as it did with my family, with a huge group hug with me and my flatmates. This group hug meant just as much to me because it reassured me that society is more accepting and and much more open to the idea of being gay than I had initially thought. |
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The most pleasurable consequence of coming out is when people have the courage to come out to me. It is one of the most best experiences - being able to help someone going through exactly what I experienced, something that I never had at the time.
I haven't had a relationship with a guy but I'm happy just as I am at the minute. I'm a single gay man and I'm proud. If that special guy did come along that would just make me even more happy than I am already.
I just wanted to summarise my story by saying to those considering coming out, that I really do believe that things will get better for you. There will always be a support network to get into contact with. I would never want anyone to struggle through on their own.
Follow me on Twitter - @RyanGold127
I haven't had a relationship with a guy but I'm happy just as I am at the minute. I'm a single gay man and I'm proud. If that special guy did come along that would just make me even more happy than I am already.
I just wanted to summarise my story by saying to those considering coming out, that I really do believe that things will get better for you. There will always be a support network to get into contact with. I would never want anyone to struggle through on their own.
Follow me on Twitter - @RyanGold127
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