Rob | 35 | London, England | Outsourced Marketing Director


I grew up in a Christian family, we all went to church, and it was a big part of my life growing up.  We didn’t go to a Church of England traditional church, our church was more evangelical, extreme and with firm views on subjects like being gay.

I think I knew I was gay when I was about 13 or 14, I had a few girlfriends at school, nothing long term.  I was aware that there was a few other gay kids at school, most of the time they were bullied and picked on. Even some people who weren’t gay got called names and were bullied for being so (even though they weren’t).

"There were times where I felt really alone. I had a lot of friends, but no one I thought I could share this with.  Sometimes it got so bad that I thought maybe it would be better for everyone if I weren’t around anymore."
I stayed quiet and never told anyone about how I was feeling, who I thought I was.  This continued for many years, I grew more detached from friends and got more involved at church.  I guess I thought that this would be the best thing to do, maybe I would be cured of it and not have to deal with it at all.

It was at church that I met my best friend; we did loads together, talked about most things, but never that I thought I was gay or anything along those lines. It can be hard sometimes in churches; people have fixed views and are scared of anything that may go against them. I just decided that the best thing to do was forget about being gay, it wasn’t how I was brought up and wasn’t something that I could ever consider being.

In 1999 I married my best friend, I was young just about to turn 20.  It didn’t feel wrong; it felt like it was the right thing to do.  We were married for 13 years and had three beautiful children. Most of the time we were married was great and happy.  Of course we experienced the usual stresses of money, work and kids, but on the whole everything was fine.  To the outside world everything was OK. Over the years I grew more and more introverted, less able to feel comfortable in social situations, I tried to avoid them as much as possible.
"The problem was the thing that I was trying to forget wouldn’t go away and it was making me more and more unhappy.  Towards the end of 2011 it became unbearable and I couldn’t hide it any longer, either from other people or from myself."
There is only so far that you can run from yourself before you catch up, I had hit this moment.  This was one of the darkest times I can remember.  I was faced with the decision of either ending it all and taking my own life or owning up and being honest and telling my wife and family. Thankfully I chose the latter.  I spoke to my parents and sisters and told them everything.  They weren’t surprised, it’s sad due to their own journey in the church, although they suspected they didn’t feel able to say anything.

One of the hardest people to tell was my best friend and wife, it was horrible, there was no shouting, just silence and hurt.  We tried to work stuff out and stay together for the kids, and be a family.  After about six months, it just wasn’t working and we were all getting more and more unhappy. I decided that I couldn’t be the best friend and dad if I stayed so I left.  It was heart breaking, it still is. I still saw my kids regularly, spoke to them on the phone, chatted via Face Time and they stayed at my new home.


I knew when I decided to be honest that this would be a long time healing process, there were no quick fixes. If I just made sure that they knew that I loved them, that I was trying to the best thing it would all be OK.

Fortunately, against all the odds it’s slowly working out. I have managed to maintain a good relationship with their mother, we have worked really hard to ignore everyone else’s input and do what is best for the kids.  It’s still hard sometimes, but it’s getting better!

Fast forward a few years and I have just turned 35, I live with my new partner and we have been together a year.  We live about 15 minutes from my kids, they know and accept I am gay, it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s all working ok.  They come and stay with us; we do outings together, normal stuff.  It’s a bit like Modern Family sometimes, but it works.
I guess my advice would be wait until you are strong enough, and most importantly comfortable with who you are.  
"I spent so many years hiding from it.  It was like my life was in black and white; I was an observer in my own life not really part of it.  The moment I admitted and accepted it for myself, the moment you can say to yourself that you are gay and it’s OK, well then the colour just rushes back in, you’re back and can start living again."
One final thing, I didn’t want to come across anti church. I am not. I think that churches and community groups do a fantastic job and are needed. They do, however forget sometimes that they are dealing with real people with real issues, sometimes it’s the fear of the unknown to them that scares them and they react in the wrong way. It’s slowly changing, and it’s getting better. Any religion is about love, and loving your neighbour, being kind and accepting.

My plans for the future are to live life, be the best dad I can be, make each moment count. It would be great to give some talks some day, maybe try and help some people, who are now experiencing what I did – who knows!

Follow Rob on Twitter @hellorobkey

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