Pete | 36 | Manchester, England | Senior Business Manager
There isn't a right or wrong time to come out, although for a long time I didn't I think that. I was 30 when I came out to my friends and 31 when I eventually told my parents. For a long time after I regretted waiting so long and there are times even now when I beat myself up over it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any regrets about coming out, none at all. What I did (and sometimes still do) regret is carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders for so much longer than was necessary.
"Coming out made me happy.
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By the time I left University I had decided that I was going to be straight. When I say 'decided' I mean I had made a conscious decision to pretend to be straight, however, my emotions and feelings had other ideas. After graduating I started working and began to climb up the career ladder. I thought being straight was part of this. Funnily enough I work for one of the most liberal forward thinking companies when it comes to gender, race, disability and sexuality. My quest to be straight resulted in me being in a five year relationship with a girl, who I'll refer to as L. At 29 I was engaged and we had bought a house together. Although I knew I was living a lie I was happy to continue. When I say that I was happy I may be stretching things a bit far. I think in reality I had simply 'accepted my lot'.
During this time I used to hate being asked if I was gay. I used to dread anyone asking me as it was embarrassing, especially if I was with my girlfriend. Time after time I recited my usual mantra, 'Yeah, I'm camp but I AM straight', followed by a smile so the person who had asked didn't feel uncomfortable.
During this time I used to hate being asked if I was gay. I used to dread anyone asking me as it was embarrassing, especially if I was with my girlfriend. Time after time I recited my usual mantra, 'Yeah, I'm camp but I AM straight', followed by a smile so the person who had asked didn't feel uncomfortable.
"My true friends probably knew I was gay but they also must have known I
didn't want to admit it so they never pressured or quizzed me."
Looking back I value that and thank them for the way they treated me. It must have been difficult for them to stand back whilst I was speeding along full throttle with my 'straight' life, engagement, house, wedding plans........
I turned 30 and things began to change. I had always dreaded turning 30 but for some reason my life started to change in ways I never imagined. I started to accept myself for who I was. I also met a man who I developed feelings for. He was gay, but he wasn't the 'camp' stereotypical gay that I foolishly thought most gay people were like. He finally made me realise I could be gay and 'out' on my terms. He didn't tell me this, I learnt this from simply knowing him. No relationship ever developed between us but I changed as a person by just knowing him. I found the strength to do what I knew I had to. I ended my relationship with my fiance which was one of the hardest and saddest things I have ever had to do and to this day and I don't know how I ever mustered the courage to do it. I knew I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t necessarily ready to come out but this was the first and biggest step in doing so.
"Within a few months I had met a guy. It felt natural and it felt right. I was happy. One by one I told my friends." |
I can honestly say I didn't get one negative reaction. They must have known I was gay and I think they were overjoyed that I had found the courage to be me, the real me that they all loved. However, there was one person who needed to be told and that was my ex girlfriend. We were working at the same company, a place that employed over 600 people under one roof. Most people knew me. I was conscious of her feelings and after I had told her she asked me if I could give her some time, a few months, before it became public knowledge. After five years together I felt I owed her that. Coming Out to my friends proved how great they all were and why they were my friends in the first place. |
It was about 6 months after telling all of my friends that I came out to my parents. They knew I had a male friend who I was very close to and on a few occasions they had indirectly asked me if he was my boyfriend. I had always brushed over these questions, I didn't feel ready to come out to them. It wasn't from fear that they would reject me or not accept me. I felt I was letting them down. My sister had Come Out herself about five years before and for some reason this added to the pressure I was feeling. I also felt embarrassed because I didn't want my parents to imagine me being with another man. When I did tell them it wasn't planned at all! I had popped in to see Mam as the hem of my trousers had come away. As my Mam was down on the floor pinning my trouser bottoms up she asked me, 'Is C your boyfriend?' Without even hesitating I said yes. That was it, I had said it. The world hadn't ended and I was still alive! There were a few tears from my Mam and my Dad didn't really react at all. Overall it was pretty plain sailing apart from the first time C and I stayed over and my Mam put us in separate rooms. It upset me but I had to accept it was their house and they may need some time to get used to the idea. However, only a matter of weeks later we were due to stay over again and I asked my Mam, 'Where is C sleeping and where am I sleeping?' to which she replied, 'You're both in the guest room.' And that was that.
The only member of my family who wasn't happy about me coming out or being gay was my sister who is gay herself. Firstly this was due to the fact I didn't tell her myself and she was one of the last to find out, though to this day I don't know why I did that. Also Coming Out for her had been a difficult process and think she didn't want me to go through the same. I guess I should be thankful to her for paving the way, I should probably tell her that.
As for other family members, well I left it to my parents to tell them. I wasn't embarrassed any longer or ashamed. I'm from a big family so if I'm being honest I couldn't be bothered to phone them all up and say 'Hi, just calling to let you know I'm gay!' Why would I? My little sister, who is straight, has never phoned them up to tell them she is heterosexual.
So there you go, I've told you my story and without sounding too much like an X Factor contestant, I feel that writing it down has been like a journey. I do feel lucky. I'm happy and my life is good. I've never experienced any homophobia at work or outside, apart from some 10 year old in the street once calling me a gay c**t!
"Whenever you decide to come out there is no right or wrong time.
You will just know when the time is right for you.
When you do decide to do it, I wish you good luck!"
Follow Pete on Twitter - @MrJames_Rivers
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