I grew up in East Ham in East London - not exactly the Hamptons but it was home. I went to Brampton Manor School from 1994 to 1999 and like lots of people in secondary school (unfortunately) I was bullied. Bullied because I was the sensitive kid who was least likely to fight back and bullied because I was the boy who had more girl mates then boy mates and so it was assumed that I must be gay. I was taunted and abused for the duration of secondary school during which time I had a fear that in fact maybe I was gay.
I used to think, if that was how I was treated based simply on people thinking I was gay, what would it ever have been like if I actually was gay? Also, why did they think I was gay? Was it that they could see what I couldn't see in myself? Scared of this reality I was determined to hide any feelings I had and tried to hide any suggestion of being gay and any feelings I had. This was not an easy task for a young teen whilst being bullied in such a way. There were of course other reasons for me suppressing any thoughts and feelings and deciding to deny any accusations that I was gay.
I am the youngest of my parents' three sons. The worry and fear of how my brothers would react really bothered me. As brothers we always had banter and would of course make fun of each other at every given chance, and of course (in a non-aggressive way and simply as words and banter) we always said to each other ‘you’re such a poof’, ‘how gay are you?’ and so on. Though it was all very playful and my brothers are not prejudice at all, there was still a fear there.
So I was scared of my brothers ever finding out but there was no greater fear than my dad. A man who had in his world ‘an image’ to maintain and protect. Someone who was a cage fighter, prize fighter, obsessed with boxing - someone I used to be scared of. The fear of his reaction to having a gay son was simply a reaction I didn’t not want to encourage or encounter. My dad was never around much but those fears played on my mind all my life until the day I came out. However, my Mum (who divorced my dad when I was 13) was my very own Mary Poppins. She saw the good in people, tried to see the best in everyone, and is an amazing person with a caring heart and supportive nature - I always knew that whatever happened I would always have her.
School seemed like an eternity when I was there, the idea of finishing felt like it was forever away. School finished, I left and went to straight to work. Curiosity got the better of me and at 18 years old I had my first sexual encounter with a guy. I remember he was a local guy, his name was Gary and he was in his 30's. It was an experience that I regret because I was not comfortable with it at all. It was enough to put me off being gay and suppress any further feelings I had.
After that experience I went on to have a girlfriend for three years, during which time I had the odd feelings and thoughts of guys but never enough for me to take much notice. That relationship ended and I was single again. I was at an age where I could do what I liked, no responsibilities, I could be anything I wanted to be. It was the summer of 2005 when I started my relationship with Natasha, or Tasha as she's known, though we'd worked together for a while previous to this and were friends/acquaintances. It started simply as just having fun together, nothing too serious, just harmless casual fun which soon turned in to a relationship. We knew the relationship wasn't going to be long term as she had plans to go away to university and I had my own plans, but after a few months we found out she was pregnant. I was 22 and she was 18. We knew our lives would change forever and plans we had at the time were now unrealistic.
We decided that we would face up to our responsibility, worked at saving money and took on additional jobs for the extra cash. Tasha continued at college to obtain her A-Levels at the same time. During this time I thought selfishly about my own future. Thoughts and feelings once again came in to my head, the same feelings I had tried to suppress for some time. Looking at my future I saw no way that I could ever tell anyone that I was gay. I couldn’t do that to Tasha or my child. I'd have to learn to ignore those feelings and suppress them further. Before we knew it our son was born. This should have been a happy time but it was far from it. Tasha experienced complications due to a condition called Eclampsia which came about during her labour. Tasha soon fell in to a coma and was on life support when she was taken for an emergency c-section. Taylor (our son) was born in the afternoon of 27th August 2006 and weighed 9lb 4oz. "Tasha remained in a coma for another five days. After just 24 hours the doctors told us that it was unlikely she would survive, and even if she did, she would be so severely brain damaged that she would require 24 hour care. We were asked if we wanted to turn off her life support machine. Her mother and I said no as we couldn’t and wouldn't play God. " Well, the doctors were wrong and thankfully we had faith in God that day because Tasha survived and didn't have brain damage. In fact, a year later she went to University and completed a three year course where she obtained her degree in Neuro Science and Psychology.
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After Taylor was born I knew then I had a duty of care to him. As a parent you always worry about your child or children, you have the automatic reaction to protect them from anything. I felt I had to protect him from more than the usual. I knew I couldn’t come out as gay, I knew myself from past experiences that kids can be cruel. I didn't want my child to be bullied by anyone because of me, because his dad was gay. So I chose to hide it and continued to suppress it and live the life I truly believed I wanted and that society expected. Now to be clear at this stage, I wanted to be with Tasha, I was in love with her and she and Taylor were my family and my world. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I knew Tasha had dealt with enough up to this point and I was most certainly not going to add to her worries and stresses by talking to her about my feelings. I couldn’t do it and I wasn’t even sure myself how to deal with the feelings, let alone talk about them.
"As time passed the feelings and thoughts became more frequent. I became more and more curious and interested in men. I had never felt so scared, unsure, dirty, insecure and confused."
It was at this point that I began to self-harm. It seemed like the only way of releasing the guilt of what I was feeling and a physical way of punishing myself for what I was becoming and how I was feeling. It was now 2008 around Christmas time and we found out that we were having another baby. I was hit with a mixture of feelings from worry and concern (that the same complications may occur) to the excitement of having another child, combined with the sinking feeling that I was never going to be able to be myself and come out, because at the time it felt that I was trapped in a situation. Tasha never ever asked me to stay, in fact deep down I knew she would rather we broke up than either of us be unhappy. However, I felt I owed it to her and the kids to stay and face up to my responsibilities and do the expected family thing again. Not realising that I was actually causing more hurt to Tasha by doing this.
I was confused even further because I couldn’t understand how I could be in love with this girl and want to be with her, whilst feeling what I was feeling for the same sex. I wasn't thinking about any guy in particular, just the general attraction towards men. I used to lay down sometimes and think to myself, why me? I don’t want to be gay! I can’t be gay, I have children, I have an amazing girlfriend, what is going on in my head?
The self-harming continued for some time, not a daily or even weekly thing but it went on for several months. In July 2009 my daughter Maizie was born three weeks early weighing a healthy 8lb 3oz. A few months went by and I was driving myself crazy with how I was feeling. Guilt, sexual frustration, confusion, curiosity, fear - all these emotions and feelings were just getting too much and I needed to deal with them.
Over the next few years I'd find any avenue I could to talk to someone or deal with what I believed was a temporary desire. I used websites and webcams, all because I believed in my mind, if I wasn't actually doing anything physical with someone, then I wasn't doing anything wrong. I truly didn’t see any betrayal in what I was doing at all. I truly believed that it was the best way to deal with it and convince myself I was straight and therefore I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I didn’t realise this was me being incredibly stupid and naïve and in fact was actually building up more hurt and betrayal which was what I was trying to avoid - I just couldn’t see it. I kept to this routine for years. In August 2012 my daughter Maddison was born followed by my son Ollie in August 2013. A very busy and expensive time for birthdays as you can imagine with all four children having birthdays within five weeks of each other.
I was confused even further because I couldn’t understand how I could be in love with this girl and want to be with her, whilst feeling what I was feeling for the same sex. I wasn't thinking about any guy in particular, just the general attraction towards men. I used to lay down sometimes and think to myself, why me? I don’t want to be gay! I can’t be gay, I have children, I have an amazing girlfriend, what is going on in my head?
The self-harming continued for some time, not a daily or even weekly thing but it went on for several months. In July 2009 my daughter Maizie was born three weeks early weighing a healthy 8lb 3oz. A few months went by and I was driving myself crazy with how I was feeling. Guilt, sexual frustration, confusion, curiosity, fear - all these emotions and feelings were just getting too much and I needed to deal with them.
Over the next few years I'd find any avenue I could to talk to someone or deal with what I believed was a temporary desire. I used websites and webcams, all because I believed in my mind, if I wasn't actually doing anything physical with someone, then I wasn't doing anything wrong. I truly didn’t see any betrayal in what I was doing at all. I truly believed that it was the best way to deal with it and convince myself I was straight and therefore I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I didn’t realise this was me being incredibly stupid and naïve and in fact was actually building up more hurt and betrayal which was what I was trying to avoid - I just couldn’t see it. I kept to this routine for years. In August 2012 my daughter Maddison was born followed by my son Ollie in August 2013. A very busy and expensive time for birthdays as you can imagine with all four children having birthdays within five weeks of each other.
"As time went on, Tasha not only became suspicious, she became aware of my feelings. She found evidence of websites I had looked at on my laptop, messages on my phone and so on."
I never realised the hurt I was causing, the distrust, and although it is a strong word, maybe even the hatred she was feeling towards me. It had gone on long enough. It was never about how I was feeling, it was never about who or what I thought I was that was the issue at all. What hurt her was how I dealt with it. The hurt I caused, the upset, the disrespect, the lies I told. I was never able to explain to her that I never wanted to cause all that hurt and I truly tried my hardest to not be gay.
In January 2014 we decided that the relationship was over. I moved out of what was our home, and moved back in to my mum’s home where she was once again, my very own Mary Poppins, seeing the best in everyone and wanting to help the world with her caring heart and supportive nature. My mum never asked why it ended, she respected the privacy, but made it known that if I needed or wanted to talk, she was there for me anytime, for anything, as she also was for Tasha. I had to tell my mum that I was gay and that this was the reason for the relationship ending, something that again, Tasha was happy to support with, but it was something I needed to do alone.
At the time I moved to my mums I was seriously depressed. The house I lived in with my family - that I worked hard to furnish, where we brought our children home to when they were born, where we lived as a family - was no longer my home. I was for the first time, away from my children and away from Tasha.
A bittersweet feeling of depression because of the hurt I caused, and the fear of my life ahead and adjusting to now being alone, was a tough and horrible time - a time I now refer to as my transitional period. Now you may think that after all of this that Tasha became angry and hurt. She could have been difficult, abusive, unreasonable, distant, and she would have been well within her rights if she did become that way, but it wasn't the case. She did not keep the children away from their dad, and never once restricted contact. If anything, she encouraged it and made it very easy for me and them.
It took a few weeks, perhaps a couple of months for us to really talk, we of course did argue, I explained more as time went on, we listened to each other and understood, and the amazing thing is that she became everything I was scared she wouldn’t be. She became my best friend. She supported me and my decision to stand up and actually say out loud for the first time, ‘I’m gay’. When it came to telling people, she said until I was ready we could tell people that we broke up simply because it just didn’t work out.
She explained to me that she knew it was never my fault for being who I was, but yes it was my fault for how I dealt with things. She does now understand, though of course she doesn’t accept that it was right, but understands my mentality at the time. She has continued her support until this very day. She said she would be there with me when I came to tell my family, when we would explain it to the kids, which was a hard experience. Without her I wouldn’t have four of the world’s most beautiful, politest well-mannered children God ever put on this earth. I most certainly wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for Tasha's support and love and the friendship we have. When people ask me how we can still be friends I simply say, 'very easily'! I say that I’m not asking them to understand, but that they will have to learn to accept it because she is and will always be an important part of my life. Granted, for some people that is a lot to take on board, but ultimately, for me, I wouldn’t trade that friendship for anything or anyone. I never wanted to be single to be free and have fun and make up for any lost time, I wanted to be able to meet a guy, be in a relationship, be happy and start a new chapter in my life.
In January 2014 we decided that the relationship was over. I moved out of what was our home, and moved back in to my mum’s home where she was once again, my very own Mary Poppins, seeing the best in everyone and wanting to help the world with her caring heart and supportive nature. My mum never asked why it ended, she respected the privacy, but made it known that if I needed or wanted to talk, she was there for me anytime, for anything, as she also was for Tasha. I had to tell my mum that I was gay and that this was the reason for the relationship ending, something that again, Tasha was happy to support with, but it was something I needed to do alone.
At the time I moved to my mums I was seriously depressed. The house I lived in with my family - that I worked hard to furnish, where we brought our children home to when they were born, where we lived as a family - was no longer my home. I was for the first time, away from my children and away from Tasha.
A bittersweet feeling of depression because of the hurt I caused, and the fear of my life ahead and adjusting to now being alone, was a tough and horrible time - a time I now refer to as my transitional period. Now you may think that after all of this that Tasha became angry and hurt. She could have been difficult, abusive, unreasonable, distant, and she would have been well within her rights if she did become that way, but it wasn't the case. She did not keep the children away from their dad, and never once restricted contact. If anything, she encouraged it and made it very easy for me and them.
It took a few weeks, perhaps a couple of months for us to really talk, we of course did argue, I explained more as time went on, we listened to each other and understood, and the amazing thing is that she became everything I was scared she wouldn’t be. She became my best friend. She supported me and my decision to stand up and actually say out loud for the first time, ‘I’m gay’. When it came to telling people, she said until I was ready we could tell people that we broke up simply because it just didn’t work out.
She explained to me that she knew it was never my fault for being who I was, but yes it was my fault for how I dealt with things. She does now understand, though of course she doesn’t accept that it was right, but understands my mentality at the time. She has continued her support until this very day. She said she would be there with me when I came to tell my family, when we would explain it to the kids, which was a hard experience. Without her I wouldn’t have four of the world’s most beautiful, politest well-mannered children God ever put on this earth. I most certainly wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for Tasha's support and love and the friendship we have. When people ask me how we can still be friends I simply say, 'very easily'! I say that I’m not asking them to understand, but that they will have to learn to accept it because she is and will always be an important part of my life. Granted, for some people that is a lot to take on board, but ultimately, for me, I wouldn’t trade that friendship for anything or anyone. I never wanted to be single to be free and have fun and make up for any lost time, I wanted to be able to meet a guy, be in a relationship, be happy and start a new chapter in my life.
Me and my children
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I eventually got round to telling my children that I was gay later in 2014. Although I dreaded the conversation and the questions that children tend to ask, I didn’t run away from it.
I sat down with my eldest two and said to them, ‘You know how one day Mummy will find herself a new boyfriend, and how Daddy will also find someone new as well’, to which they replied, ‘Yeah'. I continued, ‘How would you feel if Daddy also had a boyfriend?' Well, they just looked at each other and remained silent for what felt like an eternity, but in reality it was all of about ten seconds. Then Maizie then laughed and said, ‘But that means you would kiss a boy!' This made me laugh and simply reply, ‘Yes Maizie I realise that.' She shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘Ok then’. Taylor smiled and said to me, ‘Well I don’t care who you are with really because if they make you happy we are happy and our family just gets bigger and well that’s always a good thing isn’t it’. |
That did me in. The fact that they accepted what I was saying to them, whilst understanding it. The fact I was their dad and they wanted me to be happy and they didn’t understand any form or prejudice, they simply accepted it as being the norm. All they saw and took from what I told them was if that’s what makes their dad happy then it’s all okay. Later Taylor (my eldest son) said to me...
"Daddy, you know who you are don’t you? You're like Elsa from Frozen. She wasn’t allowed to be herself and was scared of what everyone would say to her and she thought no one would want to talk to her so she was hidden away until she couldn’t take it anymore and decided to just be herself. In the end she found out no matter what she was, she was still loved."
How does an eight year old make that comparison? How does he take a Disney film that we have probably seen a thousand times, and manage to relate it to our life? His imagination is amazing, and it tells me all I need to know about that boy he is and the type of person he will grow up to be.
I couldn’t be any more proud of my children. I love them with all my heart. They truly are my world. Though I still have the fear of them being bullied because of what I am, I also know that actually, if that happens, I along with their mum, will deal with it at the time. I know now I cannot spend my life worrying about something that I cannot predict.
"I'm happy, I'm free from myself and after a lot of soul searching I've faced my demons and overcome my fears." Me and my boyfriend Scott
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I remember watching a film with my mum when I was a teenager, 'Too Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmore' - she loves that film. As I've got older, I have watched it all the more and it's one of my favourite films. It's one of my favourite films because it's about acceptance and a phrase that is said during that film is, ‘I do not need your approval, but I will take your acceptance’. A phrase that now means so much more than I ever realised when I first watched that film many years ago with my mum. A phrase any gay person probably lives by. I also remember my good friend Sally saying to me, ‘Always be yourself because those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind’. I realise this a quote from a fictional character but when she said it to me, it meant so much more. I make sure that I remember those phrases because they mean a lot to me.
The phrase that means the most to me is, ‘To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine’. I love this so much that I had this tattooed on my back. With every phrase or quote, it’s down to interpretation, and my interpretation of this particular quote is, to err is to make an error, and that is human nature, to make mistakes is natural. To forgive is divine, to allow someone forgiveness is to free them of their wrong doing, the guilt they feel. We all make mistakes and errors in life are natural and we will all at some time want to be forgiven. How can we ask to be forgiven if we don't allow ourselves to forgive. I relate that to my entire life.
That fourteen year old me, who was bullied in such a way, tormented, abused verbally and physically every day, who lived in fear and with self-hatred, could never have imagined that one day he'd be living a life free of confusion. That he'd be happy and comfortable as a gay man, with children, with the love and support I have around me every day. It took me nearly 17 years to come out. I owe so much to so many people, but none more than I do to Tasha. She is my best friend, my absolute support and my angel because without her, my life would not be how it is now.
I'd advise anyone in a similar situation to the one I was in for so long to stop hiding - don’t shut people out, you need to talk, you will only drive yourself crazy.
The phrase that means the most to me is, ‘To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine’. I love this so much that I had this tattooed on my back. With every phrase or quote, it’s down to interpretation, and my interpretation of this particular quote is, to err is to make an error, and that is human nature, to make mistakes is natural. To forgive is divine, to allow someone forgiveness is to free them of their wrong doing, the guilt they feel. We all make mistakes and errors in life are natural and we will all at some time want to be forgiven. How can we ask to be forgiven if we don't allow ourselves to forgive. I relate that to my entire life.
That fourteen year old me, who was bullied in such a way, tormented, abused verbally and physically every day, who lived in fear and with self-hatred, could never have imagined that one day he'd be living a life free of confusion. That he'd be happy and comfortable as a gay man, with children, with the love and support I have around me every day. It took me nearly 17 years to come out. I owe so much to so many people, but none more than I do to Tasha. She is my best friend, my absolute support and my angel because without her, my life would not be how it is now.
I'd advise anyone in a similar situation to the one I was in for so long to stop hiding - don’t shut people out, you need to talk, you will only drive yourself crazy.
Whether you have a Tasha in your life or are unfortunate enough to have someone that is not as supportive and understanding, it's still better to be open, honest and be yourself. Fear of the unknown is a terrible thing. It can be a very lonely feeling. Yet the fact of the matter is, so many people out there are in the same situation.
I truly wish you the very best of luck if you are struggling to come out and I hope that you find the courage to start talking and look to being happy and guilt free because you can’t help who and what you are. There is no need to feel guilty about who you are, the real guilt comes from the lies you tell and how you hide it. Trust me, don’t do that, you will hurt yourself and so many others in far worse ways, which is everything you don’t want to do.
@PelDanJones on Twitter
I truly wish you the very best of luck if you are struggling to come out and I hope that you find the courage to start talking and look to being happy and guilt free because you can’t help who and what you are. There is no need to feel guilty about who you are, the real guilt comes from the lies you tell and how you hide it. Trust me, don’t do that, you will hurt yourself and so many others in far worse ways, which is everything you don’t want to do.
@PelDanJones on Twitter
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