Paul | Newcastle, England | Furniture Designer & Writer
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Ever since reading the memoir Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs I have kept my own journal of all the weird and wonderful things that have happened in my life. I’m now onto my 8th Moleskine journal and love that I have them to read back over and be reminded of the things I have done or the memories I had forgotten. I am using my journal to help write this – My Coming Out story. It may be slightly different to the layout of the other coming out stories on this site in that I will include the actual journal entries into my Coming Out story and I will focus each section on a particular friend or family member. I also do tend to have a quite sarcastic humour and I hope that people won’t be offended by any part of my story. |
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Will
Will is my cousin who I had not seen in 11 years and was back visiting home for a few months to see all the family. It was a Sunday night and Will wanted to see Newcastle and so I offered to have a night out with him and show him the Toon.
After various bars and a few drinks [I was driving so lemonade only] Will and I ended up in Cosmic Ballroom - a nightclub by China Town. As we were stood watching a girl [who was clearly on more pills than Betty down the old peoples home] dance flirtatiously in our direction we decided to wander and do a lap of the club. We were making our way around the club through a litter of intertwined bodies and a stale smell of sweat when a girl who was real pretty and dressed in just a shirt and hotpants ‘bumped’ into Will and got chatting to us. She was a really lovely girl and was at university up here in Newcastle and after ten minutes or so went to talk to her mates, which meant Will could now ask what I thought of her! “Yeah she’s alright I suppose” was my [standard] reply throughout the night as Will pointed out girls that he thought may be my type. Will obviously wasn’t convinced though and eventually just asked “Are you gay?” I don’t know why I didn’t give my standard ‘no’ answer [yes its been asked on more than one occasion] and I just seemed to be stood there in a stunned silence. Not stunned that Will had asked but stunned that I was considering actually saying yes. Realising that I’d waited far too long to answer and that a no would just seem stupid I said it “Yes – yes I think I am and you are the first person I have ever said that to so you cant say anything to anyone. Not even our Annie knows.” I honestly never believed the whole weight lifted off your shoulders saying until that moment! I honestly felt, as young cool student types making out on old couches surrounded me, that my shoulders got lighter.
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Will was really good and said he actually felt honoured that I was comfortable enough to tell him before anyone else. He told me that it would be hard telling the family but said that they loved me and would understand. Apparently the family had told him all weekend during our family reunion how great I was and that I had gained so much confidence over the past few years. Will gave me loads of advice that night on the drive home and told me that it wasn’t wrong to be gay, it wasn’t my fault and so not to beat myself up and that I shouldn’t miss out on a life where I find a loving relationship. Will also advised that I shouldn’t rush into telling everyone just because I’d come out to him, and that while I may be feeling all happy and excited with how great his reaction was I shouldn’t let that get me carried away and should only tell people when ready. He told me that my mam would be fine and even if she were a bit ‘weird’ at first she would always love me. I told him that I found it really hard when my mam or sister say they love me and give me a hug as they don’t know who I really am. |
Journal Entry
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Autumn
Autumn is one of my closest friends and when I told her and Grampa [not real Grampa just a good friend I call Grampa] they literally went oh that’s nice and started to carry on talking about Queen Victoria. I just remember sitting there thinking “hello I have just told you I am gay and you are giving all your attention to another queen! What about this one?” Autumn, a week later or so text me and said she had come across a text that I had sent her one day that said “Tell a lie for a better today. Tell the truth for a better tomorrow”. I really like that quote. Journal Entry ‘Went out for food with Autumn and Grampa last night and was planning on telling them but just never found a moment during the meal. Autumn suggested we go for drinks and I said I’d like to as I had things I’d like to say. Grampa became this right excitable kid and declared, “We’ll have to go now” as he jumped up out his seat and hit his head on a light fitting. Autumn then asked, “You’re not coming out are you?” |
I just thought great! You have taken my moment – do you not know I’m gay and that all the attention and moment should be mine. We went for a drink and then I ‘officially’ told them to which Autumn stood up with a big smile on her face and hugged me.’
Henry TEXT – “Pleased you told me. You’re a lovely lad who deserves to be happy.” That text also meant so much because I know Henry can’t text and that prob took him about 2 hours to write!
Nathan Nathan got me a get well soon card – I know this may offend some people but to me this card meant the world! You see Nathan and I had a great friendship that has a massive foundation of sarcastic banter and to me this card meant that he was totally fine with me being gay and that nothing had changed between our friendship and us!
Annie Annie [my cousin and the first person I thought I’d tell but turns out she was number seven in the pecking order, ooops] – I phoned Annie, who now lived in Belfast with her fiancé, and told her the big shock news of my gayness and as you can guess she was like “Yeah, and!” I mentioned that this did not mean I would be maid of honour at her forthcoming wedding and she told me she would send me colour schemes asap so I could plan my outfit. I was like “typical you think just cause I’m gay I have planned my outfit for your wedding in 7 months time.” – I had!
Nathan Nathan got me a get well soon card – I know this may offend some people but to me this card meant the world! You see Nathan and I had a great friendship that has a massive foundation of sarcastic banter and to me this card meant that he was totally fine with me being gay and that nothing had changed between our friendship and us!
Annie Annie [my cousin and the first person I thought I’d tell but turns out she was number seven in the pecking order, ooops] – I phoned Annie, who now lived in Belfast with her fiancé, and told her the big shock news of my gayness and as you can guess she was like “Yeah, and!” I mentioned that this did not mean I would be maid of honour at her forthcoming wedding and she told me she would send me colour schemes asap so I could plan my outfit. I was like “typical you think just cause I’m gay I have planned my outfit for your wedding in 7 months time.” – I had!
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Journal Entry
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Mam
It was Thursday 29th November 2007. I was sat downstairs watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks and when it finished I went upstairs to do it, to tell my mam that I was gay.
For fifteen minutes or so I just remember sitting, frozen, on the bench on our landing outside her room. I was trying to force myself to reach out and take the door handle and just open the door. I knew if I could open the door then that was it, no going back. I eventually pushed the door open and asked my mam if I could have a cuddle. “Ah me son wants a cuddle” came the reply. Then as we were cuddling I said “I just want to remember what it feels like in case I never get another one.” “Why?” she asked. Then I said it, I said those two small words that are the biggest to say if ever you have to say them “I’m gay”. Now granted I didn’t quite get the reaction I was expecting, but I took it all the same. See my mam laughed in my face and asked who ‘he’ was? I told her no one and she told me that no matter what she loved me and I was her son, but could we discuss it in half an hour after I’m A Celebrity had finished as they were about to evict someone from camp. After some z-list celebrity left the camp we spoke a little more and then phoned my sister, who was in Leeds at university, and told her.
I must admit that even though my mam had taken the news well and had reassured me that I was still loved and would be no matter what, a part of me still seemed sceptical and that maybe she was disappointed somewhat. I remember lying in bed that night and trying to be deadly still and quiet to see if I could hear her crying through the wall – I was so worried I would hear her crying…I didn’t. I needn’t have worried either as the following month as I unwrapped my Christmas presents there was a copy of the latest GayTimes magazine to which my mother declared, “Now if you don’t want the naked calendar you know where to send it so that it will get a good thumbing”.
Mam has actually been really great and I think she loves me being gay more than me. I remember the first time I brought a guy [my now ex] back to meet her and she stumbled in from the pub, a little drunk shall we say, and introduced herself to him with the following words “My god are you sure you are gay because I definitely would! Look at those muscles, can I have a cuddle please?” Its fair to say me and my date were mortified and I’m just glad that over the following two years he got to know my mother and see that she isn’t all that scary.
It was Thursday 29th November 2007. I was sat downstairs watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks and when it finished I went upstairs to do it, to tell my mam that I was gay.
For fifteen minutes or so I just remember sitting, frozen, on the bench on our landing outside her room. I was trying to force myself to reach out and take the door handle and just open the door. I knew if I could open the door then that was it, no going back. I eventually pushed the door open and asked my mam if I could have a cuddle. “Ah me son wants a cuddle” came the reply. Then as we were cuddling I said “I just want to remember what it feels like in case I never get another one.” “Why?” she asked. Then I said it, I said those two small words that are the biggest to say if ever you have to say them “I’m gay”. Now granted I didn’t quite get the reaction I was expecting, but I took it all the same. See my mam laughed in my face and asked who ‘he’ was? I told her no one and she told me that no matter what she loved me and I was her son, but could we discuss it in half an hour after I’m A Celebrity had finished as they were about to evict someone from camp. After some z-list celebrity left the camp we spoke a little more and then phoned my sister, who was in Leeds at university, and told her.
I must admit that even though my mam had taken the news well and had reassured me that I was still loved and would be no matter what, a part of me still seemed sceptical and that maybe she was disappointed somewhat. I remember lying in bed that night and trying to be deadly still and quiet to see if I could hear her crying through the wall – I was so worried I would hear her crying…I didn’t. I needn’t have worried either as the following month as I unwrapped my Christmas presents there was a copy of the latest GayTimes magazine to which my mother declared, “Now if you don’t want the naked calendar you know where to send it so that it will get a good thumbing”.
Mam has actually been really great and I think she loves me being gay more than me. I remember the first time I brought a guy [my now ex] back to meet her and she stumbled in from the pub, a little drunk shall we say, and introduced herself to him with the following words “My god are you sure you are gay because I definitely would! Look at those muscles, can I have a cuddle please?” Its fair to say me and my date were mortified and I’m just glad that over the following two years he got to know my mother and see that she isn’t all that scary.
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Sister TEXT – “Hey just wanted you to know that I love you no matter what. Knowing what I know now doesn’t change a thing…nothing. Am here always for you and I love you lots xxx” Jackie TEXT – “Hey, just to let you know that it’s cool with me that you’ve come out and it changes nowt between us! Don’t worry about what people will say – the people that matter most will be there for you!” Friends My friends [since childhood] could not have been greater about my coming out! I think after my mother these were the people that I was dreading telling the most. We had all been friends since birth and grown up together and supported each other through so much. Here is the journal entry of how I told them and how they took the news: |
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I arrive at the pub and everyone is there. After a few drinks the girls and I head down to the next pub as the lads finish their game of pool. [looking back it must not have been any surprise as I was already hanging with the girls more than the guys]. Before we went into the pub I told the girls that I had some news for them. I told them that I was 86% gay and 14% straight. They were totally cool with it and hugged before fighting amongst themselves as to who was going to be the Karen to my Jack [Will & Grace]. I ended up bottling out of telling the guys when they joined us as a few other people from the village were there and I didn’t want them to know."
Went for a walk to the shops with my best friend Marshall the next day and told him that I was gay. Marshall was fine and asked a few questions such as who’s the better looking lad in the group, had I kissed a lad yet etc etc – usual immature lads banter. Marshall was actually more upset that I had told him after I had told his girlfriend as he saw it as me thinking he wouldn’t be cool with it when we had been friends for years. I am so glad that Marshall is ok with it as I do class him as my best mate and if he hadn’t been ok and didn’t want to be my friend then I would have been devastated. Told the other lads over the next day or so and they have all been great.
Dad
I always thought telling my dad would be a hard thing to do but it actually didn’t feel that hard. I don’t know if this was due to the fact everyone so far had been great with it or that because I didn’t live with him and my mam had accepted me I had resigned myself to the fact that it didn’t matter what my dad thought. I know that is quite a harsh thing to say but I do feel that it was how I felt at the time and maybe if he had of rejected me it would have crushed me and proved me wrong.
Anyway I turned up on my dad’s doorstep and after 15 minutes of chatting and watching whatever was on the TV I told him that I had come out. He asked what I meant by that and did I mean I was gay and I said yes I am gay. I remember him giving me a hug and saying he loved me but also feeling like he appeared to have just been given some really bad news, like I’d told him I was seriously ill. Then the questions came – are you sure it’s not just a phase? Have you kissed a man? Well how do you know it’s not just a phase? I assured him that I knew and that it wasn’t a phase and just remember needing to get out of the house so left and went to meet a mate for a drink. I rang my mam to ask her to ring and see how he was and to let me know.
Dad rang me the next day and apologised for the questions he had asked and again told me he loved me no matter what. Looking back now I have realised how much of a big deal it would have been for my dad to hear me say those words. Whilst others said they always knew, I honestly don’t believe my dad had a clue. We are still close and get on well and I have introduced him to one serious boyfriend [now an ex] but we don’t really ever discuss me being gay. It’s really weird though that as my relationship broke down earlier this year the place I found myself was crying on my dad’s doorstep. I don’t know why I just felt like that’s where I needed to be.
I always thought telling my dad would be a hard thing to do but it actually didn’t feel that hard. I don’t know if this was due to the fact everyone so far had been great with it or that because I didn’t live with him and my mam had accepted me I had resigned myself to the fact that it didn’t matter what my dad thought. I know that is quite a harsh thing to say but I do feel that it was how I felt at the time and maybe if he had of rejected me it would have crushed me and proved me wrong.
Anyway I turned up on my dad’s doorstep and after 15 minutes of chatting and watching whatever was on the TV I told him that I had come out. He asked what I meant by that and did I mean I was gay and I said yes I am gay. I remember him giving me a hug and saying he loved me but also feeling like he appeared to have just been given some really bad news, like I’d told him I was seriously ill. Then the questions came – are you sure it’s not just a phase? Have you kissed a man? Well how do you know it’s not just a phase? I assured him that I knew and that it wasn’t a phase and just remember needing to get out of the house so left and went to meet a mate for a drink. I rang my mam to ask her to ring and see how he was and to let me know.
Dad rang me the next day and apologised for the questions he had asked and again told me he loved me no matter what. Looking back now I have realised how much of a big deal it would have been for my dad to hear me say those words. Whilst others said they always knew, I honestly don’t believe my dad had a clue. We are still close and get on well and I have introduced him to one serious boyfriend [now an ex] but we don’t really ever discuss me being gay. It’s really weird though that as my relationship broke down earlier this year the place I found myself was crying on my dad’s doorstep. I don’t know why I just felt like that’s where I needed to be.
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Overall - All in all I can honestly say that I have had nothing but positive reactions about me being gay. People have told me that they love me for me and it doesn’t matter what my sexual orientation is and that no matter what I’m a great guy. I have always said that being gay is not my life it’s just a small part of who I am and doesn’t define me. What defines me is the people I love, the music I listen to, the culture I enjoy etc. I’m proud of being gay and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way!
I know that I’ve been really lucky with my coming out and the reactions I have received, and not everyone knows yet, some of my dads family still don’t know but I have told everyone that I feel I needed to tell. If people ask me then I am honest about it now but I don’t feel like I have to tell everyone around me. I also know that not everyone has it as easy as my story and that for some people coming out doesn’t always lead them to the immediate happiness and love they want but it does get better and there are people out there that you can talk to. Sites like this are great at helping people and there are loads of ‘It Gets Better’ videos on youtube that you can watch. Just remember that you are never alone. My one piece of advice to anyone looking to come out is just to be you. As long as you are true to yourself then people don’t really have a reason not to still love you. Follow Paul on Twitter - @Noddy_Taylor
Paul 'Noddy' Taylor is the author of Tuck it Away, a journal of his time in NYC. You can buy the Kindle edition on Amazon - click on the image to the right to visit the store's website. |
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