Nick | 22 | London | I Blame Hollywood creator & E4er for E4
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‘Coming Out’? Hmmm it’s a funny one, that defining moment in your life when you’re not only brutally honest with yourself but to those closest to you and its then that you realise that you can finally be the 'real' you. I must have been about 10 or 11 when I first realised that I was different from all of the other boys at school. I was just leaving primary school and about to begin secondary school. I wasn’t one of those laddy lads that used to congregate around my area in Birmingham playing football and wolf whistling at any girl that walked by. In fact my younger years were spent in my bedroom, listening to The Spice Girls, Steps, staying up late to watch Queer as Folk on Channel 4 and watching Charmed every Saturday night without fail. God, Alyssa Milano was hot wasn’t she? I went to an all boys secondary school, every gay lads dream come true right? Well, for me I didn’t think of it like that, I was still struggling with these strange feelings that I was having at the time. Feelings, that went into a major over drive when I developed a huge crush on my year 7 Science teacher. This wasn’t the first time that I had looked at another boy like this, but it was one of the first times that I acknowledged it, and I remember being so scared and conflicted and wondering why I wasn’t like the other boys that used to hang out with their Dad’s at the weekend, truth is I found it very hard to in male company for a long time which is why my time at secondary school was probably the most miserable of my life because I got on more with girls. |
"I was 16 when I kissed a boy for the first time, it was a guy
who I had met over Faceparty, remember that?"
We had been talking for several months, and he was the first proper boyfriend type that I ever had, It was one of the first times that I could begin to be myself since his parents knew that he was gay and was completely fine with it, yet I still lied about who I was with out of fear I’d be disowned. I used to lay awake at night and let my mind wander, wondering how my Dad would take it when I finally told him. I always fooled myself into thinking he’d be OK with it straight away but I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be, as is the case for most of us. It’s funny because, I didn’t ever worry about my Mum because I knew she’d understand , but it’s always a mothers intuition isn’t it? Something, which they already kind of know anyway.
My college years were the best of my life to this day, despite them being the hardest times, I still look back in great fondness and smile. I had a brief period where I tried to have a girlfriend, more for my Dad’s benefit than my own, and also to put a rest to the ‘how can you know if you’re gay if you’ve never been with a girl’ thing once and for all. For me, When it actually came down to any form of physical contact it felt like being intimate with my sister or something and I knew I had to be honest finally.
"I knew that I was gay but hadn’t yet had that defining moment
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I had struck up some amazing friends who I was closest to, who were the first people that I actually told that I was gay. One in particular I had the biggest crush on, and it was the first time that I could be honest around people and it felt amazing.
What came next was the game changer for me. My ‘Coming Out’ to my family was cruelly taken away from me. A friend from college told someone in my family, and it got back to my Mum before I could tell her myself. I remember getting the phone call from my Mum to tell me that everybody knew. I panicked and hung up the phone and didn’t go back home for a several nights, before actually having the courage to walk through my front door. My mum welcomed me with open arms and the biggest hug ever, whereas my dad could barely even look at me, and it continued to be that way for at least a year. To say that it was awkward when I lived at home with him is an understatement, it was the most awkward and painful time, I was already going through something that would change my life forever, I didn’t need the added stress of my parents strained relationship over it and the fact my own father could barely look at me, let alone talk to me. However, there was a moment where everything changed and finally brought us together… The guy that I had begun to like, I got extremely close to. We more or less did everything together in our little group. We’d go to college together, go for dinner, sit in the car when it was raining and talk, and listen to music. To this day there are a few songs that remind of that time, one in particular being Will Young’s ‘Who Am I’, it really summed up how I felt back then. |
My parents went on holiday for a week, so I invited the guy who we’ll call John for the purposes of this story, and my other friend to stay for the week, however only John could stay over. It was amazing, being around him, he made me feel really amazing, and made me smile and we had the biggest laughs ever. We had a few drinks, and I got extremely drunk pretty fast, to cut a long story short, John made a move on me that night and afterwards told me that it was a mistake and that nobody could find out. It was the the low point of my coming out. The one person that I had trusted, the one person who knew the struggles that I had faced, used my feelings against me and tossed them aside like a piece of paper. The worst part came when I confided in a friend what had happened and it all came out and everybody found out.
You know that feeling when you walk into a room and you feel that everybody is staring at you? It was the worst feeling in the world, especially since he had told everybody that I lied even worse when I realised that my other friend had helped him convince people that I had lied. I ran to the bathroom and broke down in tears, I hated what had happened, I hated that I was gay and I wanted so much to be straight so that this wouldn’t happen.
I dropped out of College shortly after that as I couldn’t deal seeing his face every day, I felt like I had brought all of this on myself and I didn’t want the constant reminder. My Dad found out about what had happened, and he got angry at himself that he wasn’t there for me, and wanted to smack John, as any father would do to defend their children. He didn’t, but it was the one time that he showed he cared, and although he was still getting used to the fact his son was gay, he was trying to understand and be there for me.
I’m not going to lie and say that everything is bliss and will be ok because it’s a hard road, but one thing that I will assure you is that it will get better.
You know that feeling when you walk into a room and you feel that everybody is staring at you? It was the worst feeling in the world, especially since he had told everybody that I lied even worse when I realised that my other friend had helped him convince people that I had lied. I ran to the bathroom and broke down in tears, I hated what had happened, I hated that I was gay and I wanted so much to be straight so that this wouldn’t happen.
I dropped out of College shortly after that as I couldn’t deal seeing his face every day, I felt like I had brought all of this on myself and I didn’t want the constant reminder. My Dad found out about what had happened, and he got angry at himself that he wasn’t there for me, and wanted to smack John, as any father would do to defend their children. He didn’t, but it was the one time that he showed he cared, and although he was still getting used to the fact his son was gay, he was trying to understand and be there for me.
I’m not going to lie and say that everything is bliss and will be ok because it’s a hard road, but one thing that I will assure you is that it will get better.
"The things that I have learnt over the years is to not to be bitter over life's disappointments, to learn to let go of the past and realise that you will have good and bad days. Do not be afraid to make mistakes because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing things that scare you the most."
Maybe, just maybe you'll get everything you ever wished for. I always say who knows where life will take you because the road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination. Never be afraid to be yourself, because in the end all that really matters is that you have friends, and family who love you. And if anybody else has anything negative to say, then that’s their issues and not yours. Life is a gift and is too short to waste on being unhappy.
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Nick runs I Blame Hollywood, a celebrity blog website. Click on the link to the right and go and take a look! |
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