Michael | 32 | Financial Services | Boston, MA. USA
I suppose I’m what some would call a “late in life gay,” although I’ve never been one for labels. I’m a 32 year old guy living in Boston, MA – one of the most liberal cities in the world. Ten years ago Massachusetts paved the road for marriage equality in becoming the first state in the USA to legalize same-sex marriage. At the time I was your classic twenty-something having an awesome senior year in college.
"I knew I was gay as a kid. I loved Janet Jackson, New Kids On The Block, and the guy toweling off in the Zest commercial always did a little bit too much for me."
Religion never played a part in my story, but I went to a private, all-boys Catholic high school. 'Fag; and other pejorative gay remarks were par for the course and I had a rotating list of sexy, athletic upperclassman to crush on. I felt like a diabetic in a candy store. In high school, college, and the years to follow I may have been in the closet, but I never made fun of others in order to take the attention off myself. I also never pretended to love girls or the Patriots. Yes, I hooked up with chicks, but I was young, horny, and drunk…and why the hell not, right? I stopped swimming in the lady pond around 23 and figured I would just put up that 'bachelor' front for the rest of my life. I just wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to be gay (read: different). I only knew of a couple gay guys and I didn’t fit that stereotypical image. I was never really bullied or called gay growing up. I got lucky. I realize that’s not the case for many of my gay and bi brothers across the globe.
"And for all those guys I secretly judged I apologize, because that was clearly my own internalized homophobia and insecurity."
In my mid-to-late twenties I started experiencing major anxiety. I’m talking sick every day, emergency room visits, anxiety meds, irregular heartbeat, trouble sleeping…the whole nine yards. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I wondered if I hit my breaking point living unhappily in this façade world. After putting it off for a while longer I told a therapist I was gay. I was 28. As a perfectionist/control freak who was obsessed with image and what others thought of him the next step in becoming comfortable with my new (true) self was a big step outside my comfort zone. For anyone in a similar situation I hate to spoil the ending for you, but it all turns out fine. We are lucky to live in a time where queer is more understood and accepted then it was 50 years ago.
"I ask you, why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"
I understand that it can take years to build up trust and confidence to come out. I get it! Come out when you’re ready, when it feels right, when it feels safe. But, at some point you do need to face that fear and make yourself a priority. Make the rest of your life the best of your life. I promise that the world gets a lot easier when you stop caring about what others think and do that which makes you happy and proud. I can honestly say that I am less anxious, more confident and comfortable as an out gay man. P.S. you can be out and still maintain a sense of privacy, of course. Definitely own your pride, but not everyone needs or deserves to know your story or sexuality.
Play it out in your head. Set a deadline to force you to take action. Tell someone – a therapist, a sibling, a stranger on a support hotline. It honestly does get much easier after you tell those first few people. I don’t regret coming out later in life because that is what was right for me. But, I am glad I didn’t waste any more time being afraid and anxious. Fear truly is a dangerous and false emotion that we use to protect ourselves from the unknown.
“What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” -Ralph Marston.
Play it out in your head. Set a deadline to force you to take action. Tell someone – a therapist, a sibling, a stranger on a support hotline. It honestly does get much easier after you tell those first few people. I don’t regret coming out later in life because that is what was right for me. But, I am glad I didn’t waste any more time being afraid and anxious. Fear truly is a dangerous and false emotion that we use to protect ourselves from the unknown.
“What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” -Ralph Marston.
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