Michael | 32 | London, England | Desktop Support Engineer
I spent the younger part of my childhood growing up in the Wirral, Merseyside and for as long as I can remember I always knew that I was different in some way, but wasn’t sure how. As a child I was never interested in sport and I always felt more at home hanging around with the girls in my class instead of the boys. When I was 13 my family decided to emigrate to New Zealand. I had already been through the first half of my first year at secondary school here in the UK, so it was quite hard to join a new school half way through the year in a country I’d never been to.
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"Thinking back to secondary school in New Zealand now, I can honestly say it was the hardest and saddest time in my life. Pretty much from my first day at school there, I was the target for bullies." They made fun of everything - from my accent to the way I dressed. The fact that my voice didn't break until I was about 17 meant I was basically a mute all through school. New Zealand has a very macho sporting culture - so if you don’t like rugby then you are basically outcast. During my 4 years of schooling there I went from being a happy well-adjusted kid to a scared, insecure mute. It was during this time that I started to realise that I might be gay. The bullies at school used to call me a faggot long before I realised that I was one. I just remember being in complete denial. I would be in the changing rooms at school and always feel compelled to take sneaky looks at the other boys as they changed, but I just thought that the curiosity I was experiencing was something all boys went through during puberty. I didn’t do very well at school. I was so depressed that it took all my attention to just get through the day without being verbally or physically bashed. My parents could tell there was something wrong and they asked me if I wanted to change schools but the thought of joining a new school again and going through it all again scared me even more than staying were I was. So basically I just learned to suck it up and deal with the situation. |
"The day I left school was the happiest day of my life. I’ll never forget the relief I felt to be away from those people that had tortured my for the past four years."
I took six months off after school before deciding to do a Computer Science degree at the local college. It was also around this time that I started to realise that I didn’t have much of an attraction towards girls and used to find myself thinking about guys quite a lot.
Thinking back I remember my Dad asking me twice as a teenager if I was gay and I remember feeling so angry and disgusted that I wasn’t hiding myself well enough if my dad could tell.
One time I was food shopping with my dad on a Saturday morning. I must have been about 16. I don’t remember having any sort of attraction towards other guys until the age of about 15 so it was still very new to me at this point. I was pushing the trolley around the supermarket while my dad walked ahead with the shopping list, putting things into the trolley. I remember we were on the cosmetics aisle and my dad had walked ahead. I picked up some kind of feminine product and was reading the packaging. I think it was tinted moisturiser or something like that. At that point my dad turned around and saw what I was looking at and I quickly put it back like I’d just been caught with my hand in the money jar. I saw him frown at me and my whole face went red with embarrassment as I rushed ahead to catch up with him.
When we got home I was helping to unpack the shopping when my dad just blurted out, “Are you Gay?” In shock I just said, “No, why would you ask me that. God I can’t believe you would say that. Stuff off!” Or something along those lines!
It wasn’t until I turned 19 and I left home for the first time to go flatting that I made my first gay friend. I met him through an online dating site. I remember meeting him the first time for a coffee. He seemed nice and I was comfortable talking to him. I remember the time he first took me to a gay bar; I was so scared but it was also a lot of fun. This is when I really started to feel comfortable in my shell.
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It was during this period that I met my life long best mate Jeremy. I was very naïve at the time and he kind of took me under his wing, looked after me and kept me out of trouble. Even though he was younger than me he had come out really early and was a lot more street wise and confident than myself. It was during my early twenties that I first started to experiment with guys; mostly guys that I had met in clubs. But even though all this was going on, I still hadn’t told my parents. That wasn’t until I was 25 when I met a guy called Geoff. We met through a mutual friend and he ended up becoming my boyfriend. Geoff had come from the same kind of background as I had. His parents had been high school sweethearts and they were still happily married some 30 years later. My parents also met in their teens and like his, were still happily married. Growing up with that sort of relationship to look up to, had made me want to have that same kind of relationship that my parents have. Being gay however, I thought it was something I would never find. "Geoff and I were together for 9 months before I finally decided it was time to tell my parents I was gay." I had been planning an overseas trip which was going to bring me back to the UK to see my relatives and I knew I would be asked the inevitable “Do you have a girlfriend?” question and well, I just couldn’t be bothered lying anymore. So I told myself I had to tell my parents before I left. |
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I remember the day I told them vividly. I say told them. I actually emailed them. I know! I know! I was chicken shit, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it face to face. The funny thing was my mum had always said to us while we were growing up, “I don’t care if you are gay or straight; we will always love you. Just promise me you won’t take drugs!” So I kind of knew they would be OK with it but it still didn’t make it any easier. I was at work one day, it was lunch time, I had typed up the email I was going to send:
“Dear Mum & Dad, As you know I’m going to be travelling soon and I am going to be visiting our relatives and I know that they are going to be asking me about whether or not I have a girlfriend and I don’t want to lie. So I think it’s only fair that I let you know first that I’m Gay… and Geoff is more than just my friend. We have been seeing each other now for 9 months.”
I can’t remember what I wrote after that paragraph but you get the gist.
“Dear Mum & Dad, As you know I’m going to be travelling soon and I am going to be visiting our relatives and I know that they are going to be asking me about whether or not I have a girlfriend and I don’t want to lie. So I think it’s only fair that I let you know first that I’m Gay… and Geoff is more than just my friend. We have been seeing each other now for 9 months.”
I can’t remember what I wrote after that paragraph but you get the gist.
"I had my mouse hovering over the send button for what seemed like an eternity before I just bit my lip and did it. It was gone… there was no un-send."
I had half expected my mum to ring me straight away but nothing…nada...not even a text. Six hours went by and I still hadn’t heard a peep from them. I started to worry when my phone rang - it was Dad. I was shitting myself but I answered anyway. My dad said, “Well… you have obviously been carrying this around on your shoulders for some time. It explains a lot. Is this why you’re so bloody grumpy all the time?” - I laughed! He continued, “Your mum and I love you no matter what. We just want you to be happy and we think Geoff is a lovely guy. In fact why don’t you both come over for dinner next week?”
And that was it. All that stress for nothing.
Fast forward a week later when Geoff and I went to my parents' house for dinner. My dad had just been on a sushi making course and had made platters of all these different kinds of sushi - I was well impressed! After quite a few bottles of wine later my mum she said that when she received my email she got home and had to go for a drive because she was upset. She said she was upset because she thought that I would always be alone and she didn’t want that for me. She went on to explain her fears - “I know what gay people are like. They cut themselves off from their families and they never see them again. My parents didn’t know any gay people so my mum had this strange idea in her head of what it was to be gay.
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At this point my dad piped in and said, “Oh shut up you silly tart. You know he’s always going to be here…asking for money!" I’d like to say that isn’t true and after that everything was fine! Actually, my boyfriend and my mum became best pals. He used to chat on the phone with her more than I did in fact!
I’m 32 now and although Geoff and I are no longer together I realise that most of the stress that I felt about coming out was caused by me. I was scared that I wouldn’t be accepted. I was totally wrong but I think in my mum’s case it made it easier for her knowing I had someone in my life. Since then she has met all of my gay friends, loves them all and now realises that no matter what happens, the one thing I’ll never be is lonely. Follow Michael on Twitter - @talktomikey |
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