Matty | 30 | Director Stylist, Educator & Apprentice Trainer Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
The holidays have always brought up bittersweet emotions for me. It didn't always, but since November 2004 I can never disconnect it from the weekend before Thanksgiving when I had come out. It has been 10 years since but it feels like just yesterday. My coming out was unexpected,to say the least; it wasn't planned and it occurred by happenstance. I thought that my dad was busy in the back yard when I kissed a guy goodbye. He wasn't in the back yard, he was in the window watching. It all still seems like an unreal blur to me right now. The second I walked through the door was the start of a rush of negativity, disgust and disconnection I felt from myself, my family, my "friends" and the church. He said, "You're not my son, you broke my heart, you disgust me, what will the family say, you're a disgrace to this family, I can't believe we raised you this way, how could you do this to us?" This may have been the first time I saw my dad cry, and the fact it was over how angry and disgusted he was with me was heartbreaking. "Thump. Thump. Thump. I could feel my heart beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. I was "found" out and not on my terms." |
A part of me felt my heart beat out of my chest and died with each crushing word I heard. I fled the scene. I was panicked, hysterical and scared. I couldn't go to the church, because I was raised conservative Lutheran. I tried going to some close friends, but they were far from loving. I just kept driving, avoiding the countless calls I was getting from my mom sobbing asking me to come home. To me, my home wasn't a home anymore.
On one hand I felt a cinder block of anxiety was lifted off be because my "secret" wasn't a secret anymore. On the other hand I asked myself, "Is life really worth living if this is how it is going to be for me?" I con templated driving down embankments, into telephone poles and committing a suicide that was swift and "painless". I prayed to God for help, but how could he help me if he let me be in this mess to begin with?
Word got around, "Did you hear about Matt?". Of course most of this was never to my face, it was via social media, emails and anonymous voicemails.
"I even had threats that if I didn't change bad things would happen, physically and spiritually, to me."
I was pulled from my good friends wedding, not invited to my best friends wedding and I just WAS. That's it, I was a thing, I didn't feel like a person. The person everyone thought they knew was gone and the person I now was, wasn't enough.
I've grown a lot since that day when I was 19. I've surrounded myself with a network of GREAT people and I'm so grateful to that small handful that really helped me through.
I've grown a lot since that day when I was 19. I've surrounded myself with a network of GREAT people and I'm so grateful to that small handful that really helped me through.
"My family eventually came around, and have even become advocates within my family and for others for social justice." I think after my coming out experience is when I really found out the importance of goal setting, standing for something, and knowing that people do give a damn about me - and I needed to as well. Goal setting takes time, hard work and patience. But with intention and focus anything can manifest.
I honestly wouldn't wish my coming out on anyone. But at least I'm a very lucky and fortunate man to be able to be here writing this today. I have A LOT to be thankful for, wholeheartedly. I'm thankful for the good, the bad, the very ugly and for the grit and faith that pulled me together and pulled me through. I'm thankful I found self acceptance and confidence. I'm thankful for the wonderful network I never imagined I'd be blessed to have. I'm thankful for the support, experiences, laughs and road bumps along the way. I'm glad I didn't take my life after I came out when my walls were closing in. People change, friendships change, family can change. The world is my beautiful oyster. Follow Matty on Twitter @mattyrkp Matty is on Instagram MATTRKP Matty's website for his salon is here www.moxiesalon.com/grandstaff |
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