Leigh | 19 | Liverpool, England | Student & Sales Assistant
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I guess I always knew that something was a little bit different about me. I’m not your 'stereotypical' kind of guy that you will meet on the street. Though I do enjoy watching sports like Football, Tennis etc, I was never a sporty guy, but I did still go round with a big group of lads and have a laugh. This made it harder for me when I was considering coming out. I realised I was attracted to men when I was around 13 or 14. Back then I was searching women on the internet and I actually felt attracted to them. However, as time went on, I started to realise the attraction to women was fading away and the attraction to men was going stronger. I wanted to tell someone how I was feeling, but I didn’t even know what was going on. "Am I gay? Am I bi? Is this just a phase?" Countless questions were soaring through my mind, causing headaches on a daily basis. I was around the age of 15/16 when I plucked up the courage to tell someone that I was bisexual. I was ready, eager to tell the world - then somebody I know exclaimed about someone else I know, “Did you hear he’s come out as bi? Let’s be honest, it’s a cover up. He just doesn’t want to admit it.”
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This got me thinking. And thinking. More thinking. More headaches. If I come out as bi, will they think the same about me? Am I ready for this? Am I actually gay? This was when I realised I wasn’t ready to come out. I still needed time to find myself. It was around the time of being 17 that I finally accepted that I was gay.
I attended an all-boys Comprehensive school from Year 7 to Upper Sixth and though the majority of the guys in my year were nice, there was not a single out gay guy in my year in school. There was a boy that everybody assumed was, but he never actually admitted it during my school years. This deterred me from coming out for even longer, as I didn’t know how I’d be perceived. I mean, I got enough stick for working in Build-A-Bear Workshop when I was 16, so I wasn’t exactly sure how this would go! (Note: Working in Build-A-Bear and maintaining my stance in the closet was hard to do, but as I wasn’t ready to come out, I managed to do it!). My aim was to get the best A Levels I could get, get myself off to university and come out once I was settled; I had it all worked out. A Level results day came, I got the results I needed and off to university I went! During the same week, I was offered a job in a shop on the high street, which I accepted. My life was changing so quickly so it felt right that this should be when I come out.
I attended an all-boys Comprehensive school from Year 7 to Upper Sixth and though the majority of the guys in my year were nice, there was not a single out gay guy in my year in school. There was a boy that everybody assumed was, but he never actually admitted it during my school years. This deterred me from coming out for even longer, as I didn’t know how I’d be perceived. I mean, I got enough stick for working in Build-A-Bear Workshop when I was 16, so I wasn’t exactly sure how this would go! (Note: Working in Build-A-Bear and maintaining my stance in the closet was hard to do, but as I wasn’t ready to come out, I managed to do it!). My aim was to get the best A Levels I could get, get myself off to university and come out once I was settled; I had it all worked out. A Level results day came, I got the results I needed and off to university I went! During the same week, I was offered a job in a shop on the high street, which I accepted. My life was changing so quickly so it felt right that this should be when I come out.
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There were so many new people entering my life, and they were so caring and nice. Yet, the words still hadn’t come out my mouth. I’d hit a wall. I still couldn’t face it. I was ready to live life as a gay guy, but I still couldn’t say the words. I know that may not make any sense to some people, but I hope that others will understand what I mean! It wasn’t until one day, when I was stood in work behind the cash desk waiting for the next customer, that my life changed. A new colleague of mine came over and was chatting to me about girls. He then asked me the important question. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you straight or are you gay?” I muttered, “I’m gay.” I started trembling. I didn’t know how to react. The words had spilled out of my mouth and there was no turning back now. I’m not even joking here, I started hyperventilating, and I hope it wasn’t too obvious. His reply was “Oh, cool! I love my girls, so if I come across as a pervert and you’re not happy with me, just let me know!” He was funny like that, he still is. |
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"Just like that, I was out. It was only one person, but that’s all it took. It gave me a new found confidence."
The colleague I’d came out to was very inquisitive, wanting to know if I’d come out to anyone before and if my family knew. “No” was my reply to both questions, and he respected that. Though he had never been through what I was trying to wrestle with in my mind, I think he had an idea and acknowledged that I would have to take my time.
A month passed and I was out with my new work friends for a leaving do for another colleague. A lot of drinking was involved, and it led to me coming out to the whole workforce! I hadn’t intended to do so when I set off in a taxi that night, but they were all supportive and if it wasn’t for that night, I don’t know how my life would be now because that night formed some of the closest friendships I’ve ever held. That same night, I ended up bumping into two of my best friends. Standing outside, I turned to them both and said “Lads, I’ve got something to tell you. I’m gay!” With that, they both gave me a hug, told me that nothing would change and took me inside to get another drink. The next morning was very strange, on one hand, I was sporting a big smile, knowing that I felt relieved and also that I had an outlet to be my true self when I went to work, but on the other hand, I was sporting the worst hangover I’ve ever had, which put a dampener on my mood!
I thought that with this new found confidence that I could be myself with everybody at this point, but, for some reason, I still wasn’t ready. It wasn’t until a birthday of one of my other best friend’s 5 months later that I told another person. I took my best friend outside, hugged her and told her. She said “I’ve always knew. Have you told your mum yet?” I shook my head and she said “Don’t worry, they’ll be fine with it. You’ve got the best family going!” She was right. I knew my family wouldn’t have a problem with my sexuality, but I still felt suffocated by my secret.
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I turned to YouTube, which I’m sure many other members of the LGBT society have turned to, for advice on how to come out. Some of the stories you hear on there are inspiring, most are great, but some do make you cry for the individual on the other end of the camera. I decided that, once I turned 19 (June 2013), I would come out to the rest of my world, the people who mean something to me. However, as days went on still “living in the closet”, I started to grow depressed, unhappy with the life I was living. My mood was at the lowest that its ever been, and people were starting to notice. The headaches that I’d had before were increasing, and they were causing me intense pain. The words were still not coming out. It was then that I realised I’d reached rock bottom. Not many people know this, but I was sat in my bedroom, crying in my eyes out, when I spotted a few packets of paracetamol on my windowsill. (I still don’t get why they were there). "I went to the bathroom, poured myself a glass of water, and prepared myself for what was to come. Crying my eyes out, I went to do it." |
I stopped. Something inside me clicked. All of these people I’d searched on YouTube, whether their experience was positive or negative, were living a happy life, regardless of what people thought about them. I messaged a friend from uni, pouring my heart out in a text asking for advice, but also for forgiveness for not coming out sooner. She told me that she had thought so all along, and that she was proud of me for telling her. She told me what everyone else had told me, that my family would be fine, and that the people from uni would be fine too. I don’t like saying this too often, but that time, Becca, you were spot on! I wrote a letter to my family, informing them about my life, but eventually threw it away, as I knew the words had to come from me personally. One thing to note is that, I now know that succumbing to a paracetamol overdose is very slim, Liver failure might occur but it generally has a low fatality rate. But with the state of mind I was in, any opportunity seemed realistic. I now know that this was stupid, and I’ve not felt this way since!
The next morning, I walked down the stairs, went to get in the shower, when I heard my parents walk through the door. I thought “This is it, show time!” I opened the door and walked into the kitchen. After a bit of chit-chat, I said “Guys, I’ve got something to tell you.” I actually can’t believe I referred to my parents as guys! They looked worried and said “What’s up?” I looked up off the ground and finally, I was able to say the words. “I want to tell you before I move out, I’m gay.” They both came over and gave me a kiss and a hug and told me they were so proud of me. They thought I’d been diagnosed with an illness, so it was a relief for them! At first, they were a bit inquisitive which was expected, but they were both extremely happy for me. My dad even asked if the reason why I was moving out was because they thought they wouldn’t accept me, and if that was the case, then I was staying at home. I told him it wasn’t, but it was the most heartfelt thing I’d ever heard my dad say. I let them know that I’d be telling my siblings as soon as I could, and I asked if they would tell the rest of the extended family, which they did. I told my brother that night, and he possibly had the best reaction. “This means I’ve got someone to go to G Bar with!” My sister followed a few days after.
The next morning, I walked down the stairs, went to get in the shower, when I heard my parents walk through the door. I thought “This is it, show time!” I opened the door and walked into the kitchen. After a bit of chit-chat, I said “Guys, I’ve got something to tell you.” I actually can’t believe I referred to my parents as guys! They looked worried and said “What’s up?” I looked up off the ground and finally, I was able to say the words. “I want to tell you before I move out, I’m gay.” They both came over and gave me a kiss and a hug and told me they were so proud of me. They thought I’d been diagnosed with an illness, so it was a relief for them! At first, they were a bit inquisitive which was expected, but they were both extremely happy for me. My dad even asked if the reason why I was moving out was because they thought they wouldn’t accept me, and if that was the case, then I was staying at home. I told him it wasn’t, but it was the most heartfelt thing I’d ever heard my dad say. I let them know that I’d be telling my siblings as soon as I could, and I asked if they would tell the rest of the extended family, which they did. I told my brother that night, and he possibly had the best reaction. “This means I’ve got someone to go to G Bar with!” My sister followed a few days after.
"I told my university friends and also my friends from home on the night I’d moved into my student house."
I texted all of my university friends to let them know, so that I could clear all of the confusion regarding my sexuality and also so that they were on the same page, as some of them weren’t returning until the end of summer. I know that was a cop-out move, but who cares! My friends followed later that night, telling them in a drunken stupor. To clarify, yes, most of the times I’ve came out has involved alcohol!
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With that done, I knew I could live as openly as was possible! I hadn’t received any negativity and the headaches had drifted away. Looking back, though it was only a few months ago, it feels like there was nothing to worry about, but it also feels like I’ve been out as a gay man for my whole life. I came close to giving up, but I’m so glad I never! I haven’t been in a gay relationship as of yet, but I’m full of life and energy at the moment and nothing could bring me down! Who knows, tomorrow I might meet Mr Right, but for now, I’m happy! My advice to anybody, whether you’re gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, don’t let your sexuality get you down. Society has changed, and the support available is extraordinary. Hey, look, we can get married now! I strongly hope that the coming out experience is a positive one, and make sure you don’t do anything stupid. If anyone has any queries, my Twitter is located below. Drop me a message and I’ll try and help! Thanks x Twitter @LeighDDowd |
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