Lee | 28 | Kent, England | Graphic Designer
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I have always known deep down that I wasn’t straight but I always thought I could just suppress the feelings I was experiencing. As a child I didn’t really understand the feelings and I didn’t know why I was the way I was. Being a kid though it’s easy to hide as boys think girls are disgusting, that is until puberty hits then it’s all about girls. My teen years were awkward. I was overweight, I had a bowl cut and I was subjected to braces... WITH HEADGEAR at night time. In no way shape or form was I a looker. My confidence was non-existent and I was bullied. I grew up in four different pubs so my teen years were a very public affair. People were very curious and nosey about what I was up to. Customers would mock me for being shy or tubby but as I got older, they would make little snide comments that alluded to my sexuality. I was a very private person at that age and I had never discussed with anyone that I was having these feelings. I tried dating girls once or twice but nothing really came of it. It didn’t feel right and I was getting frustrated as I began to think there was something seriously wrong with me. |
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At the age of 15 I was fed up of being fat so I decided to do something about it. I dropped from 15 stone to 10 in a matter of months. It gave me a new lease of confidence. I stared working behind the bar at 16 (collecting glasses) and that lifted my spirits. I became more talkative and open with people. I would flirt a little with the men and women as it does come with the job. There were still people that made fun of me and I tried to ignore it. They would make homophobic comments near me. It hurt. They didn’t truly know me and yet they had 'known' me since I was 12. Why were they being this way? They were old enough to know better as they were all in their 40s. The more comments I heard, the more scared I became.
At the age of 18 I lost my virginity to one of our barmaids. It was fun but it didn’t feel right. The girl later told me she always knew I was gay but she wanted to “pop my cherry” to give me a confidence boost. We are still good friends now and we laugh about it.
By the age of 20, I was having serious conflicting feelings which bugged me on a daily basis. I needed to explore this side of me that I had hidden for so long. It felt like I was constantly fighting my true self. I began looking on the internet at explicit videos of men as I was having urges. As crude as it may sound but I was a young lad; who doesn’t have those feelings? I wanted to go to a gay bar but my problem was I didn’t know any gay people and there was no way I would ever go on my own. I had no one to talk to. I was trapped, or so I thought. I stumbled upon a website called Gaydar.
At the age of 18 I lost my virginity to one of our barmaids. It was fun but it didn’t feel right. The girl later told me she always knew I was gay but she wanted to “pop my cherry” to give me a confidence boost. We are still good friends now and we laugh about it.
By the age of 20, I was having serious conflicting feelings which bugged me on a daily basis. I needed to explore this side of me that I had hidden for so long. It felt like I was constantly fighting my true self. I began looking on the internet at explicit videos of men as I was having urges. As crude as it may sound but I was a young lad; who doesn’t have those feelings? I wanted to go to a gay bar but my problem was I didn’t know any gay people and there was no way I would ever go on my own. I had no one to talk to. I was trapped, or so I thought. I stumbled upon a website called Gaydar.
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In my eyes he was too old for me. I’ve always been attracted to people my own age. He was a very clever guy when I think back on the situation. I was young and naïve and he managed to get small details out of me like the area where I lived. He knew I lived in a pub as we would talk about all manner of things. I was aware of the dangers of chatting online but at 20 I didn’t think it really applied to me. He became quite intense. Every time I logged online, he was there. He was on gaydar whenever I was, continuously messaging me or emailing me via hotmail. Some days I would have the sound off on the PC so I wouldn’t hear notification messages. By the time I did notice there would be 4 messages for me which would read ...
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“Hey how are you?”
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I did reply to him but I felt very uncomfortable. No one knew we were chatting so the last thing I wanted was someone I had never physically met ringing up the pub. This was when alarm bells first started to ring. He knew my number! What if he actually came to the pub? As time wore on, I couldn’t escape from him. His presence online was constant and I couldn’t just have five minutes peace. He wanted to come to my 21st birthday but I had reservations about having an older man there with my friends. He said to tell people he was an uncle. This began to freak me out and I felt like everything was spiralling out of control. I didn’t know how to get rid of him. I was scared. He had started to ring the pub when I didn’t respond to his messages straight away. I genuinely didn’t notice them straight away. Things felt like they were unravelling. He made it clear that he wanted more from me and he wanted to meet. I would say yes but never give a date or just give an excuse as to why I couldn’t.
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"It all came to a head one day when I was so overwhelmed by everything.
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During this time I had been toying with the idea of coming out to my parents. Twice when I was younger my mum had asked me if I was gay but due to the fact she asked me in the bar when customers were in ear shot, I denied it. I had already told a couple of close barmaids that I was bisexual. It was easier than saying gay in my mind as I did think that maybe I was Bi. The people that knew were fine, but I knew they would be so that’s why I spoke to them.
One day whilst I was restocking the shelves in the bar before the pub opened, my mum came over to me and asked to have a word with me in the kitchen. I followed her in, where she proceeded to open a letter and show it to me. It was my Gaydar profile! Ray had posted it to my parents, effectively outing me. Inside I was mortified, scared and very upset but I kept myself together in front of my mum. She asked what Gaydar was. I tried to shrug it off and say it was a prank but she clearly wasn’t buying it. The back of the letter had a message from Ray, proclaiming that I was a dirty little boy who was putting himself all over the internet looking for sex. He hoped that my parents were proud of having such a vile son. It hurt to know that someone could be so cruel. I never met the guy, yet he felt that it was his right to do what he did. I went upstairs with my mum where we both cried to each other about what had happened. She was disappointed that I couldn’t say anything to her but she was also angry that someone would do such a thing to me. She wanted to know details but I didn’t say much. I was to thrown by the whole situation and just wanted it to be over. The next thing she said terrified me.
One day whilst I was restocking the shelves in the bar before the pub opened, my mum came over to me and asked to have a word with me in the kitchen. I followed her in, where she proceeded to open a letter and show it to me. It was my Gaydar profile! Ray had posted it to my parents, effectively outing me. Inside I was mortified, scared and very upset but I kept myself together in front of my mum. She asked what Gaydar was. I tried to shrug it off and say it was a prank but she clearly wasn’t buying it. The back of the letter had a message from Ray, proclaiming that I was a dirty little boy who was putting himself all over the internet looking for sex. He hoped that my parents were proud of having such a vile son. It hurt to know that someone could be so cruel. I never met the guy, yet he felt that it was his right to do what he did. I went upstairs with my mum where we both cried to each other about what had happened. She was disappointed that I couldn’t say anything to her but she was also angry that someone would do such a thing to me. She wanted to know details but I didn’t say much. I was to thrown by the whole situation and just wanted it to be over. The next thing she said terrified me.
“You’re going to have to tell your father.”I really didn’t want to tell him as I was scared what his reaction would be. But I heard him coming up the stairs as he had been out running errands. Mum shouted out for him to come into their bedroom where she told me told tell Dad the news. This would probably be the most awkward and mortifying moment in my life. All his response though was “Oh.”
The minute this awful exchange was over, I ran straight to the PC and sent a very angry, explicit filled email to Ray to say exactly what I thought of him and what he had done. I went to work for the afternoon and tried to forget the whole ordeal. Words can’t describe how deflated I felt. I wanted to be the one to decide when my parents knew. A few days passed and I had an email from Ray apologising for his actions. He said he had been having a bad few days. I replied with another angry email explaining that his actions were out of order and that there were no excuses for his actions. He then threatened me more but as I pointed out, he lost his power over me once he did what he did. I had nothing to fear any more. |
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The months went by and my parents became more welcoming to the idea of my sexuality. Occasionally I would get emails from Ray apologising then threatening me. I replied once or twice and pointed out that he was welcome to come to the pub but to be prepared for a confrontation with my parents.
Despite what this person did to me, in a way he did me a favour. I would have eventually come out on my own but at least I know that my parents love me no matter what. My mum is very protective over me. She hates homophobia and will say exactly what she thinks if she hears a bad word said about gay people. My mum has told me how proud she is for how strong I have been and how I am my own person. She still hates Ray for what he did but she told me I am her son and that she loves me more than anything in this world. I would still have liked the option to come out on my own and I feel like I was robbed but once people knew, it gave me a new strength in myself. I began to stand up for myself against the homophobes in the pub. My mum even threatened to have them removed permanently if she ever heard another word against me.
Two years later I started seeing a guy called Jeremy which lasted for three and a half years. I was a member of a website called Faceparty which is where I met him. We chatted on there for three months then swapped numbers before we met. I had someone else start messaging me out of the blue during this time. He would be a little explicit and the conversation was familiar. I couldn’t work out why though. This person started to imply that they had slept with Jeremy but I knew that wasn’t the case. One day I received a message from this guy who was meant to live 8 miles from me. Again it was very familiar in tone and jokingly I asked him if his name was Ray. His response was, “I wondered how long it would be before you realised it was me!”
Two years had passed and he had obviously been trying to hunt me down! I had him blocked on Gaydar and I had changed my email address after what he had done to me. I told him I no longer felt any anger towards him, just pity. I told him that he tried to ruin my life but it had failed miserably. My family accepted me 100%. He tried to apologise but it just fell on deaf ears. I reiterated that we would never be friends as he had completely betrayed me. I wished him well in his life and I then blocked him. I've not heard a peep since.
Despite what this person did to me, in a way he did me a favour. I would have eventually come out on my own but at least I know that my parents love me no matter what. My mum is very protective over me. She hates homophobia and will say exactly what she thinks if she hears a bad word said about gay people. My mum has told me how proud she is for how strong I have been and how I am my own person. She still hates Ray for what he did but she told me I am her son and that she loves me more than anything in this world. I would still have liked the option to come out on my own and I feel like I was robbed but once people knew, it gave me a new strength in myself. I began to stand up for myself against the homophobes in the pub. My mum even threatened to have them removed permanently if she ever heard another word against me.
Two years later I started seeing a guy called Jeremy which lasted for three and a half years. I was a member of a website called Faceparty which is where I met him. We chatted on there for three months then swapped numbers before we met. I had someone else start messaging me out of the blue during this time. He would be a little explicit and the conversation was familiar. I couldn’t work out why though. This person started to imply that they had slept with Jeremy but I knew that wasn’t the case. One day I received a message from this guy who was meant to live 8 miles from me. Again it was very familiar in tone and jokingly I asked him if his name was Ray. His response was, “I wondered how long it would be before you realised it was me!”
Two years had passed and he had obviously been trying to hunt me down! I had him blocked on Gaydar and I had changed my email address after what he had done to me. I told him I no longer felt any anger towards him, just pity. I told him that he tried to ruin my life but it had failed miserably. My family accepted me 100%. He tried to apologise but it just fell on deaf ears. I reiterated that we would never be friends as he had completely betrayed me. I wished him well in his life and I then blocked him. I've not heard a peep since.
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In the seven years since I first came out I have finally grown confident within my own skin. I have a loving family that surround me, who accept every aspect of my life. Knowing that I can be myself is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have learnt to never give someone the power to make me feel insignificant or small. Those who seek to destroy us are only doing so because of their own insecurities. There was a long period of time where I hated Ray for what he had done but now I just look back at it as one of life's valuable lessons. Your sexuality shouldn't define who you are; it is merely a part of you. Sadly for many of us, taking the step to come out either forcibly or by choice is not an easy one. It should be easy though. It doesn't change who we are. Thinking about it, I wish I had more control over the situation and I had realised sooner that my family loved me no matter what my sexual preference. By the way, that's me and my boyfriend Ade > and we're very happy! Follow Lee on Twitter - @hotdesigner |
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