Kelly | 28 | Teaching Assistant | Maidstone, England
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My name is Kelly, I am 28 years old. I moved around a lot as a child, living in the RAF bases here and in Germany before settling in Maidstone, Kent about nine years ago. I have worked in a primary school for the past seven years. I love children greatly and get great job satisfaction. I became an auntie about a year ago and I have never known a prouder day! I dream of getting married and having children one day. I have done since I started watching Disney films and walking between the sofas with a sheet on my head and flowers from the garden! "With this dream in mind at the age of 18, I did what I knew only to be my only option which was to find a man." He was eight years my senior. I didn't really ‘get’ guys so I went for someone mature so that I could achieve my dream which was to meet someone, get engaged (19), buy a house (20) and live happily ever after. Well of course we all know that fairy tales rarely happen in the real world! Our relationship broke down, we were both unhappy and after he was caught doing the dirty I finally had the courage to leave him, the house, the dog and more importantly the dream, but it was the push I was so hoping for deep down because there was something missing and I could not quite work it out! |
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Of course it was a difficult time I moved in with my very kind friend and her family and I was suddenly faced with a very big question. Who am I? I had gone with depending on my family straight to depending on someone else. I never had that ‘finding myself’ time, so I was on a mission.
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There was one niggle that was buried deep inside me - suppressed in a box labelled ‘wrong, do not open!’ Not because I was raised to believe this but, because of what society presented as normal - it was unheard of. It wasn't what the movies about love ever depicted and I had no role models/examples. It was cause for teasing at school so…shhhhh, keep it secret, keep it buried! Now matter how much I tried I just couldn't; not now that I had freedom and no one to control my thought. In the end curiosity got the better of me. That and the fact I had just lost everything, I really had nothing to lose. "I created a Facebook account under another identity as I was terrified about friends finding out what I was inquisitive about. I work with children and I thought that if it got out I could lose my job! So I became very closed and secretive and began my journey." |
My profile said something along the lines of: ‘Hi, my name is
Kelly and I recently just got out of a 6 year relationship with a guy,
but...... I think I like.... women!? If there's anyone out there that I could
talk to about this I would really appreciate it.’
So it began. I was lucky enough to meet some incredible people that gave me hope and answers to my many questions, some of whom are still dear friends today. I finally gathered the confidence to go on a date. I was nervous but extremely excited! Although I am very chatty (which you may have already assumed!) and confident, I could not talk about it to my friends who normally I'd confide in. I went on the date and my mind, heart, body and spirit truly came alive for the first time in my adult life.
So it began. I was lucky enough to meet some incredible people that gave me hope and answers to my many questions, some of whom are still dear friends today. I finally gathered the confidence to go on a date. I was nervous but extremely excited! Although I am very chatty (which you may have already assumed!) and confident, I could not talk about it to my friends who normally I'd confide in. I went on the date and my mind, heart, body and spirit truly came alive for the first time in my adult life.
"I knew there and then that all along I had been gay. I felt so comfortable in a way I had never felt with a man. I felt attraction in a way I had never felt towards a man. I felt sparks and fireworks."
My friends began to get suspicious; they knew me too well and knew that I couldn't be walking around with a smile on my face like that for no reason! So I began to leak that I had met someone, referring to her as 'they'. I knew I couldn't lie and I knew I couldn't keep it up for long which meant I also knew I had to tell them. The thought of telling my friends was the hardest. I knew my family were open minded (plus they are stuck with me!) and though we'd never talked about it I knew they'd be OK.
My friends mean the world to me and other than my family they were all I had left after I lost it all; them and my job anyway, both which I now feared I might lose.
The first time I gathered them all I got so worked up I had a panic attack with a heart beat of over 100 and they had to rush me to casualty. Alone with the doctor I broke down explaining what I was about to do and he told me it was an anxiety attack and that I must try and find a way to tell them, suggesting a letter. It was the scariest thing handing them all this letter. I lived with one of them in her home with her kids, another was a prude about anything like that and the other was Muslim. I hid away praying I would not lose them that they wouldn't think I was a weirdo that they wouldn’t shun me. They each found me and individually they hugged me. We cried and they told me it didn't matter. After that, telling everyone else became a little easier and I even came out at work. I am still cautious of parents finding out but I am secure in who I am now to handle most prejudice that may come my way. I am very feminine and always have been and would never change that to fit the stereotype. This has protected me at times which I find frustrating and disgusting.
"I seem to ‘blend into the norm' which makes some people feel more comfortable ---- sigh."
Five years on and my journey has not been without its bumps. I fell in love with a woman who loved me just as much but she was not so lucky in her coming out. She lived in a small town with close minded people who put too much pressure on her and she could not handle not making her parents proud and feeling judged. It was hard to see the woman I loved go through that and it scared me because I feared I might lose her. I felt bad about myself when all I was guilty of was loving her and making her happy. I was right to be fearful because I did indeed I lose her; she ran away because she couldn't handle it and I was left with a space in my heart and not wanting to go on. I’d now experienced a broken heart.
Follow Kelly on Twitter - @lilmisshappy848
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