John | 25 | Edinburgh, Scotland | Police Officer
I guess I first had the 'could I be gay?' thought somewhere around the early years of High School. I remember hearing some school mates boasting about the things that they had done with their girlfriends, which were almost certainly made up, and thinking more about the actions of the guy than of the girl. When the thought crossed my mind and I usually dismissed it on the basis that I was just going through a curiosity phase and it would wear out eventually and I'd be normal again!
I grew up in a small Scottish town where there was only one school that everyone went to, and pretty much everybody knew each other. I played for the local rugby team, was a very fit and active sportsman, and was I think, quite well regarded by my peers. I was one of those stereotypical straight guys as far as everyone else was concerned. I didn't know a single gay person, and my team mates used colourful language about 'homos' and 'fags'. My family had never made any reference to gays to my recollection, but I do recall my Dad making 'yuck' noises at any gay reference on TV. Being gay just wasn't really an option, and I hid my feelings and thoughts from absolutely everyone. I 'went out' with a few girls, but probably treated them fairly badly and never called them or made plans to do anything, and most of them dumped me fairly quickly. I wasn't too bothered about it, but it had the all important façade of a 'high turnover' that my mates could see. What a wretch I was!
"After a while I began to realise that these feelings, thoughts and erotic dreams weren't actually going away and that I probably was gay.
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I started Uni shortly afterwards, and made a few new friends, but still something just didn't seem right to me. I felt apathetic towards study and rarely went to lectures. Consequently my grades declined, and during the Christmas break of that year, I packed my bags to go home and never went back. I moped around the house feeling like I had let everyone down for a month or two before I eventually managed to find some direction and found a job as a sales assistant in an outdoor equipment shop in a nearby city. This was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I was working with a really friendly bunch of people who were of a much broader age and background range than I was used to and I really started to enjoy it. I worked there for a year or two before joining the Police, which again opened doors to new friends and new experiences.
Around this time, I remember sitting reading the paper in the kitchen at my Mum and Dad's house when my mother casually asked “Why do you never bring any girls home like your brother?” I was mortified and mumbled something about not fancying anyone right then, but then she asked “What about boys then?” I was even more mortified, stayed silent, and must have gone bright pink or something because she then changed the subject and moved on. How I wished I'd plucked up the courage to actually tell her then, though I suspect my reaction told her all she needed to know.
I found that I was happier doing what I was, but I was still hiding a big part of my life from my family, friends and colleagues. I browsed the multitude of internet gay social networking sites, totally anonymously at first, lest I got outed by some horrible gay-baiter, but then more openly. I spoke to a few local guys around my age in similar situations, and started to realise that I wasn't actually all alone, and there were people around like me. I even met a few in real life! Fancy that, gay people in real life!
Around this time, I remember sitting reading the paper in the kitchen at my Mum and Dad's house when my mother casually asked “Why do you never bring any girls home like your brother?” I was mortified and mumbled something about not fancying anyone right then, but then she asked “What about boys then?” I was even more mortified, stayed silent, and must have gone bright pink or something because she then changed the subject and moved on. How I wished I'd plucked up the courage to actually tell her then, though I suspect my reaction told her all she needed to know.
I found that I was happier doing what I was, but I was still hiding a big part of my life from my family, friends and colleagues. I browsed the multitude of internet gay social networking sites, totally anonymously at first, lest I got outed by some horrible gay-baiter, but then more openly. I spoke to a few local guys around my age in similar situations, and started to realise that I wasn't actually all alone, and there were people around like me. I even met a few in real life! Fancy that, gay people in real life!
"I decided aged about 21 or 22 that it really wasn't going to change and if I was going to have any chance of happiness. I had to be honest about myself to the people that mattered most to me."
I decided that I would have to tell my family first in case things got back to them somehow through someone else, and I set myself a deadline to do it by. That deadline went by, and so did the next one. I decided to test it out on someone else first, to see if I could do it at all. I was at the house of one of my old school friends one day, whose family I had become very close to over the years, and we were sitting around the table having a cup of tea, when one of them asked me if something was wrong as I had been awfully quiet. I must have looked nervous or something, so I seized the opportunity and said that I think I'd finally come to terms with the fact that I was gay. My friend just chortled into his bowl of cereal and said “yeah, we've known that for years” and his mum came and gave me a hug. Really? All that panic and fear for that reaction? It felt a total anticlimax in a way, but it was still a relief that somebody else new my secret and still liked me! Spurred on, I set another deadline for telling the family.
A few weeks later, I arrived at my parent's house after work and found that my mum was home alone in the front room watching Neighbours in the semi darkness. I saw it was the perfect opportunity for a one to one chat so I sat down besides her and said I needed to talk to her. She paused the TV, and I just said “I think I'm gay” before bursting into floods of tears. I wept like a girl and she just sat and hugged me for ages whilst I sobbed. After a while, she said that she had suspected it for some time, but that she just wanted me to be happy and that she would always love me no matter what. It was the reaction that deep down I knew would happen, but the feeling of relief was overwhelming.
But then she dropped the bombshell: “You know I can't keep this from your father, you'll have to tell him when he comes home.” What?! No, I wasn't ready for that yet. If there was anyone I feared disappointing the most, it was him. He had come from a religious upbringing, he had made 'yuck' noises at the TV – I just couldn't do it. I said OK to mum though, and hoped it wouldn't come up. A few hours later, my Dad and sister had arrived home and I was watching TV in the living room trying to avoid any conversation at all. Suddenly my Mum came through with Dad and said to me “Don't you have something to tell your father?” I paused and after a while I said that I was pretty sure I was gay. He stood there for a while and just opened and closed his mouth. I honestly don't think the thought had ever crossed his mind judging by that look, which will remain in my memory forever.
After a while, he said awkwardly that he didn't mind what I did with my body and life, but that he wanted me to be happy and that if it made me happy then he was happy too. My sister just hugged me. I thought that that was the best I was going to get from him, and the matter wasn't brought up again for weeks. I was relieved that they knew though I wasn't as happy as I thought I was going to be. I still couldn't help feeling that I'd disappointed them in some way. Perhaps it's just me feeling guilty for ruining the idea they had grown up with of a normal family, grandchildren etc and it had come as a shock to them. In hindsight I think my Mum did a good thing in making me tell Dad in the way she did, I don't know if I would have done it at all if it wasn't for her leaving me with not much choice in the matter. Perhaps she knew it was going to be all right in telling him, but that I needed that shove. Nobody knows you like you mother after all!
"I work in the Police Force and although the environment is often considered macho, it was in fact very easy for me to remain feeling comfortable."
Someone was moaning about their children to me in the presence of a number of others colleagues and offering me advice for when I had my own. I simply said it was an unlikely thing as I would have to change sexuality for that to happen in the first place in the traditional way. After an awkward moment, they just started taking the mickey, which is just what I needed. After that the rumour spread around like wildfire in the office and I was walking into abruptly finished conversations for weeks! I gradually told my friends as an when the issue cropped up, and I'm pleased to say I've been fortunate in that I've never had a bad reaction, even from the high school friends that I was so scared of. I even take a guilty pleasure in it nowadays; the reactions can be very entertaining: “How can such a ‘straight’ person be gay?”
Since then, I've gone through a few relationships with people that I've taken home to my parents, and it's all been relatively normal. Overall, I have reached a stage where I am completely comfortable with who I am, and though it's not been an easy personal journey, I'm glad I've done it.
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