Jess | 31 | Birmingham, England | Children's Social Worker
I felt inspired to write my coming out story having read the others. It struck me that not only was there a lack of female stories but they were also from people who 'knew' quite early on that they were gay and that quite simply isn’t the same for everyone.
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I can’t really pinpoint the moment I ‘came out’ as I find that it’s a regular occurrence, sometimes daily! People often ask, “Did you always know? Deep down?” and I honestly can’t say whether I did or didn’t. I grew up in a house that was liberal; our neighbours were a wonderful lesbian couple who my parents were friends with so I’m sure it wouldn’t have been a problem if I had disclosed to my parents that I was unsure of my sexuality back then. However in retrospect there were things, that had I been a little more emotionally intelligent then, that may have caused me to give my sexuality some thought.
I loved the company of boys and I was one of the lads; a proper little tom boy. But as I grew up and my friends got boyfriends I started to experiment with boys but really didn’t enjoy it or see what the fuss was about. Rather than stop and think about this I thought there was something wrong with me so I drank in order to sleep with boys and carried this on until at the age of 20 I met a lovely man who was very safe and whom understood that I would have to be drunk in order to engage in a sexual relationship. We had two children and it wasn’t until the second one was born, when I was 25 that I realised that my lack of desire for this amazing man, who was now my husband, may be about more than my insecurities. I had a very good friend who I started to realise that I was attracted to. When we went out we were always quite tactile with each other and there was a spark that I wasn’t imagining. So great was (is) my (now ex) husband that I was able to have a very emotional and difficult conversation with him about my confusion. |
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"He talked about times when
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I entered into a relationship with my friend but sadly it all ended very badly… she felt disgusted and became ashamed and lashed out. Describing it as the biggest mistake of her life and becoming quite vile about lesbians and gays in general. I was in turmoil and whilst I was able to be honest with myself about my sexuality I returned to the comfort of my marriage which by this stage was simply a very close friendship. We slept apart but continued to live and parent our children together. Slowly over the next few years I started to be honest with those around me; initially with a close friend who was also gay. I knew he’d be great and so easy was the conversation I don’t even remember it!
Next was a neighbor who I’d been friends with for over 7yrs; she was not shocked in the least and I’ll never forget her telling me that she knew and that she was just waiting for me to realise. Had it always been that obvious?! |
"The inner turmoil at this point was so great that I had a nervous breakdown.
Do I split up my family unit in order for me to be true to myself?"
I wasn’t in a bad relationship, far from it, our children knew nothing but parents who loved each other and them deeply. But I couldn’t lie. I wasn’t happy. After I recovered from the breakdown we agreed that he had to move out and I had to be honest starting with some very close friends who weren’t gay, who had only ever known me as the married heterosexual mother of two. I will remember these conversations forever. The shock for them was incredible but each and every one of them offered me their love, support and understanding. I still wasn’t ready for the rest of the world to find out and it took until my 30th birthday that I decided to invite my then girlfriend to my celebrations. I think kissing her in front of so many of my family and friends was the “ripping the band aid off” approach and in hindsight was not the most sensible approach! People were shocked and the next day my phone was a buzz, my parents in particular were concerned with very out dated views that I would have to relinquish custody of my children. We had a difficult conversation where I spent my time assuring them that my children would be staying with me and that we would continue to be a family unit but other than that we’ve never spoken of it again.
Being a parent up at the school gate is often worse than being a child at school. Some of the mothers were horrid and the first school drop off after my 30th birthday - the playground was awash with the gossip that I was one of those lesbian type people! Some of those that I thought were my friends saw the news as the latest gossip to be traded like playing cards at the school gate. There was one person in particular who I had thought was a good friend who was so disgusted that she stopped our children playing together, told people that she always thought I was odd and was convinced that I fancied her. I can laugh about it now but at the time I was mortified and suffered panic attacks.
When I started this epic novel I talked about how it feels like I come out daily… and it does feel like that sometimes. People see the children and are convinced that therefore I must be straight;
"I’ve even had other lesbians infer that I can't be a ‘proper’ lesbian because I have been married and have children." |
I recently started a new job and upon hearing I was single the office was a twitter of “I know a nice single man”, when I mentioned that I had a date I was met with the response “what’s he like”… I swallowed the nerves and remember replying “she is lovely” and guess what… the world didn’t swallow me up, they didn’t all vomit in horror, they just took it in their stride – as they should do. Looking back I often think that my perception of people’s reaction is worse than the reality. Take my very catholic aunt and cousin; despite them being shocked they have been nothing but supportive, even picking up the pieces when I’ve been heartbroken.
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Sometimes we should have faith in those around us and our ability to pick friends that have the same morals and loving accepting nature as ourselves.
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