Jamie | 32 | London, England | Artist Designer
For as long as I can remember I knew I liked men. I can quite honestly say that I have never in my life found a woman sexually attractive.
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I had a very happy early childhood but going into secondary school I was very low on confidence, so much so that I developed a chronic stutter which stayed with me until I was about 20 years old. For the first two years of high school I never spoke to a soul apart from my best friend Phil who used to answer the register for me because I just could not get the words out. It was this low confidence that I believe stopped me from being the person I wanted to be and I vowed to myself that I would never tell anybody that I was gay even though I had no doubt at all that I was. The life I had planned for myself was meeting a girl and having children and either hiding my true sexuality or maybe ‘teaching myself’ to become straight. I really believed that this was my only option and I would go on to live a life of misery not to mention ruining someone else’s life in the process simply did not matter. |
"It was this low confidence that stopped me from being the person I wanted to be and I vowed to myself that I would never tell anybody that I was gay even though I had no doubt at all that I was."
The life I had planned for myself was meeting a girl and having children and either hiding my true sexuality or maybe ‘teaching myself’ to become straight. I really believed that this was my only option and I would go on to live a life of misery not to mention ruining someone else’s life in the process simply did not matter. Fast forward a few years, I was 21 and had still not came out. I was settling in to the straight life and had the odd one night encounter with girls I had met at bars and clubs with my small group of male friends, but never had a relationship with a woman. I was and still am to a degree what society calls a ‘straight acting’ gay man which makes the coming out process even harder than someone who was more effeminate where people close to them already had an idea of their sexuality.
I have always had a close relationship with my mum and step dad but they are your typical working class Sun newspaper reading people with a certain amount of ignorance towards people they don’t know or understand,........or so I had believed. My assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth.
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Even though I was living a straight life I also had a ‘secret’ life of meeting men on Gaydar and going to the odd gay gar on my own and going home with the first man who paid any attention to me as I was sitting in the corner alone sipping on my pint. I also felt ashamed when I returned home and said to myself that that would be the last, but of course it would never be. "I really believed if anyone found out I would be shunned and I would never see my parents or little sister again." So I was 21 and things were looking pretty bleak and miserable, I used to think what a weak person I was by not taking the bull by the horns and taking control of my life but I just couldn’t. That was until I arranged to meet up with someone I had met online who wanted to meet up for a drink rather than the usual come to my place and that was it. I met this guy and we chatted away about everything and got on great. He seemed to have it all – good looking, confident, well off with a nice car and great outlook on life. |
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I fell for him like a ton of bricks and it was the first time I had experienced that feeling. I think it was like a schoolboy crush which I had never experienced. We arranged to meet up a few more times and I went to stay at his flat for the weekend, I was happier than I had ever been in my life.
This only went on for a couple of weeks and I got a phone call one afternoon. It was the guy I had met! He said he had something to tell me and that he couldn’t now but he would call me later. My anxiety was too much waiting for his call and I feared what he was going to tell me. When the phone call came he blurted out that he didn’t like me that way and just wanted to be friends. I was absolutely heartbroken and didn’t speak to anyone for days, after feeling like that about another person I knew that I could not live my life feeling that way, I realised that being gay wasn’t just the fact that I found men sexuality attractive it also become clear that there was so much more than that and I wanted to share my life with someone and live a happy life where I could be open and honest with my friends and family.
This only went on for a couple of weeks and I got a phone call one afternoon. It was the guy I had met! He said he had something to tell me and that he couldn’t now but he would call me later. My anxiety was too much waiting for his call and I feared what he was going to tell me. When the phone call came he blurted out that he didn’t like me that way and just wanted to be friends. I was absolutely heartbroken and didn’t speak to anyone for days, after feeling like that about another person I knew that I could not live my life feeling that way, I realised that being gay wasn’t just the fact that I found men sexuality attractive it also become clear that there was so much more than that and I wanted to share my life with someone and live a happy life where I could be open and honest with my friends and family.
"I started by telling my best friend Phil and he was shocked at first but said he did not care what I was which felt amazing considering how I thought I was going to lose everybody if I ever told them."
This put me on a high to tell everyone and next I told my mum and dad. My mum broke down in tears like the drama queen she is and told me that she was just upset that I hadn’t done it earlier and felt guilty that she didn’t know. My dad was a complete shock as he barely battered and eyelid and said he always suspected I was a ‘poofter’. I asked my mum to tell the rest of the family for me which she did and not one person had a bad word to say. Looking back I cannot believe I thought that they would react in another way than they did.
I don’t regret wasting all those years frightened to come out as it has taught me how important life is and you need to live life the way you want to live it and things will never be as bad as what you think they will be.
My confidence is soaring now and I am a happy bubbly person with lots of different interests. I went on to follow my passion for painting and have exhibited and sold at exhibitions and sold paintings to celebrities; which is something I would never have pushed for if I was living a life scared of what I was and preoccupied with keeping it a secret. I am 32 now and have been in a relationship for nearly 7 years with someone I want to be with forever and we have a dog called paddy. Life really could not be better and I came to the realisation that being gay isn’t want defines you it’s just a part of you that you need to accept if you have any chance of leading a happy and fulfilled life.
Follow Jamie on Twitter - @JamieMaguire2
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