James | 23 | London, England | Actor & Writer
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I think I first realised I was gay at the age of 8, when I started to fancy Johnny Bravo. Yes, he may be a cartoon character, but he was confdent, cool and had an extremely aspirational hairstyle. He was everything I wanted to be; popular and admired which was something that I certainly had no experience of at Primary school. I had friends in school, yes all girls, but I didn't see anything wrong with that. I hated sport, but liked to act. Again, I didn't see anything wrong with that. Apparently though, a lot of other people did. I spent 90% of the school day in the first aid office pretending I wasn't very well so I could be sent home and spared the taunts of being called “weird” and “funny” because I was a bit different. I knew that I was different but I had no idea how, or even why. At this point I didn't even know what being homosexual was and I often wondered how the people that would use the term “gay” in a negative way towards me, knew before I did.
I ploughed through school, being picked last for every single team in P.E., but blossoming in the more creative subjects. I soon began to enjoy parts of my education, even though I had no clue who I was. Then at the age of 13 I joined a local amateur dramatics company and I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing... |
"There were several openly gay guys in the society and a lesbian too.
But, everybody liked them! This was at odds with all the name calling I'd experienced through the first two years of secondary school.
I'd always presumed that gay people were to be hated."
In fact two of the guys in the group seemed to be extremely popular, with people always laughing at their jokes and talking about them whilst using glowing adjectives. There was no malice to be found in anybody’s words here. WHAT WAS GOING ON? I did a few musicals with the society and went from 'shy and retiring' James to 'can't really shut him up' James. I could actually start being myself there; camp was celebrated! But, obviously at this point I was still categorically 'straight'. Suddenly, I started spending some of my spare time with a dancer in the group. He was the same age as me, had a girlfriend and seemed to enjoy my company. Before I could say 'step-ball change' we were kissing in my bedroom. WHAT? I was kissing another boy. As much as I felt like I was committing several crimes, including being a dirty boyfriend stealing hoe-bag, it was the most magical few seconds of my life so far. Obviously it all went tits up once the girlfriend found out and the boy never really spoke to me again, but those few weeks of stolen kisses here and there made me feel more normal than I'd ever been made to feel before.
That was me at 16. I then went through five years of exploring, experimenting and two girlfriends, before I finally realised that no matter how hard I tried to force it to happen, I just didn't feel the same way about girls as I did about boys. So, the time had come. I wanted to be able to join in the, “Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob” conversations with my friends, (FYI - I'm Team Jacob). I wanted to not care when Grandad caught me dancing to Girls Aloud in my room and I wanted to not have to explain away my Heat magazine subscription, (“It's my Mums. I just read the TV guide”).
On New Years Eve 2009 I discovered that the place my best friend had decided to go to that night was a local gay bar. I was horrifed, and then suddenly excited. I'd never been to one before. But what if she turns around on the dance floor and catches me dutty-wining to the Spice Girls against another boy? I had to tell her. After downing several cheap glasses of rosé and minesweeping the house where we were pre-drinking, the two of us sat on a pile of coats in the bedroom and the following conversation happened:
Me- “I need to tell you something.”
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I nodded. She embraced me screeching, “I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A GAY BEST FRIEND,” and then we celebrated the night by getting drunk and casually snogging strangers. (The above picture of the both of us ten seconds after all this took place proves exactly how much it didn't change our friendship. Basically, “I'm gay, now lets pout in a photo”). Over the next few months I told a handful of my other best friends and they all had very similar reactions, although less excited as they weren't under the infuence of high percentage alcohol at the time. But I knew the time was coming where I had to tell the one person who I had no idea what their reaction would be - Mother. I was shitting myself. I kept putting it off but I'd started seeing a boy who had friends, who had a friend, who knew somebody's Nan, who had a neighbour that knew my family or something like that and so I figured it was only a matter of time before she heard through the Marvin Gaye grapevine.
On Wednesday 7th July 2012, at the age of 21, I wrote my Mum a letter telling her I was gay. I left it on the armchair, told her I was going out for a walk, got two meters down the road and burst into tears. God knows what I must have looked like to passers by. I was literally wailing. Like, I'd just discovered Mean Girls 2 wasn't written by Tina Fey, wailing. I called a friend and sobbed to her that I should never have done it. That one piece of paper was going to change everything. What if she never wanted to speak to me again? I honestly had no clue how she was going to respond.
10 minutes, 12 tissues and fourteen times around the block later, my phone beeped with a message from my Mum saying, “Of course I still love you. Come home.” I gave a huge sigh of relief and headed back. My lovely Mum was more than accepting and it made me wonder why I'd been so scared to tell her in the first place. I expect it's because society had told me that nobody wanted a gay son, the bullies at school said it was disgusting, and everything inside my head screamed that I was abnormal. Although Mum now knew, I had to tell my other friends, hugely extended family and my colleagues.
Later that night I sent a text round, (I was terrifed of seeing people's reactions face-to-face), coming out to literally everybody I'd ever said two words to. The replies came fooding back...
On Wednesday 7th July 2012, at the age of 21, I wrote my Mum a letter telling her I was gay. I left it on the armchair, told her I was going out for a walk, got two meters down the road and burst into tears. God knows what I must have looked like to passers by. I was literally wailing. Like, I'd just discovered Mean Girls 2 wasn't written by Tina Fey, wailing. I called a friend and sobbed to her that I should never have done it. That one piece of paper was going to change everything. What if she never wanted to speak to me again? I honestly had no clue how she was going to respond.
10 minutes, 12 tissues and fourteen times around the block later, my phone beeped with a message from my Mum saying, “Of course I still love you. Come home.” I gave a huge sigh of relief and headed back. My lovely Mum was more than accepting and it made me wonder why I'd been so scared to tell her in the first place. I expect it's because society had told me that nobody wanted a gay son, the bullies at school said it was disgusting, and everything inside my head screamed that I was abnormal. Although Mum now knew, I had to tell my other friends, hugely extended family and my colleagues.
Later that night I sent a text round, (I was terrifed of seeing people's reactions face-to-face), coming out to literally everybody I'd ever said two words to. The replies came fooding back...
“I'm honoured to receive this because I know how important this must be for you, and you'd still be a good friend no matter what. Good on you, be happy!”
“Oh James, we all love you for who you are and that can't be changed by anything.”
“Oh do me a favour, like I care what you are! You're my friend and I love you whatever.”
“You're one of the most amazing people I know and I want you to be happy! I'm always here for you.”
“I love you! I just nearly cried when I read your text. It must have taken a lot of courage to send that. When shall we pop for a drink to celebrate?”
And my favourite - “About bloody time!”
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I sat on the floor in my bedroom and sobbed solidly for an hour. However clichéd it sounds, it literally felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The thought of finally being able to talk about boys to my friends and not having to tell everybody I fancied Jodie Marsh when asked who my favourite female celebrity was (no, I have NO idea why I picked her either), was too much to contemplate. I no longer had to hide and it was the most liberating sensation I'd ever experienced. I also musn't forget to mention how lucky I am to have such an understanding Dad too. Somehow, I suddenly lost the courage to tell him after I'd told Mum, and I found the “coming out ship” had sort of sailed. About two months after being with my first boyfriend my Dad sent me a text after a picture of me and the boyfriend on a ferris wheel ended up on Facebook. “Looks like you had fun with your 'friend' at the weekend.” I was rumbled. But instead of being angry, upset or confused he simply called and said, “Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?” And, “When are we meeting him? I need to make sure he's good enough for you.” He was amazing and I wish every Dad with a gay child would react just like he did by treating it as completely normal.
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Since then I've enjoyed two years of developing into a person that I'm actually pretty proud of. I've got the most wonderfully supportive family and friends who have no problem with being introduced to boyfriends and keeping up with my various men related escapades. I lead an exciting life and have a future that looks bright.
"If you haven't come out yet, confide in someone first;
you might be surprised at how easy it suddenly makes everything.
I've never felt ashamed to say that I'm gay.
And I've never been happier."
Follow James on Twitter - @Jamesy_Moo
James is the News & Politics editor for SoSoGay.co.uk, and also regularly writes a feature for the MOBO Awards. You can find his personal blog and follow his dreams at www.theadventuresofanessexboy.wordpress.com.
James is the News & Politics editor for SoSoGay.co.uk, and also regularly writes a feature for the MOBO Awards. You can find his personal blog and follow his dreams at www.theadventuresofanessexboy.wordpress.com.
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