James | 29 | Hove, England | Fraud Investigator
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I knew I was attracted to men from the age of 11 when I had just started at secondary school. It was our first parents’ evening, school had finished and I was hanging around with mates waiting for our parents to turn up. Most had already met their parents and it was just me and a mate left when it happened. In walked his dad and BANG!...I was definitely gay! Or at least curious. His Dad was a young Dad, Greek, tall, dark, handsome and turned up in a footie kit. It was every (gay) boy’s dream! That first parents’ evening should have left me wondering how I could do better at school but instead it left me really confused about what had happened. I knew about people being gay as my cousin who was 10 years older than me had come out a few years before. The confusing thing was that I had just become interested in Mariah Carey and Toni Braxton! I remember thinking how pretty they were and how amazing their voices were. ‘How could I be gay then?’ I thought.
Over the next couple of years I had the odd girlfriend at school and even played around a little with them and it did do something for me. This was around the time I had found my dad's stash of magazines. Yet when I flicked through them I was looking at the guys in the pics rather than the women; confused was an understatement! The more I focused on it, the more I realised that it was men that would catch my eye, whether I was watching TV or out with family. When I flicked through my mum's catalogue I was stopping at the pages of the men in underwear rather than the bra section. "From this point I kind of knew - men looked better in tight underwear than woman did!" |
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I wasn't an attractive kid at school; I had long hair past my shoulders and I was overweight. Most of my friends were girls as I felt safer in their company and I built really good relationships with them. To hide the gay thing from people (at least I thought I was), I got little obsessions about girls who were friends and even went out with a few of them. I knew it wasn't right, it wasn't anything sexual at all; it was just me trying to work out what was going on.
By about the age of 13 I knew for sure I was gay. I had not had any kind of experience with a guy but I knew what caught my eye and although I found women beautiful, I never felt any spark there at all and this scared me. My family are close and I love them all. I lived at the time with Mum, Dad and my two brothers, one younger and one older. My dad and my older brother would make the usual kind of jokes when something was mentioned about gays, it was never really nasty and in all honesty there was nothing really behind it, its just 'what guys do' I guess. For me though, knowing what went through my mind, it scared me so much. It was about this time that I made the decision that by the time I was 18 and would be thinking about heading off to live my own life; I would end it.
"I had planned the whole thing; when and how I would do it and what I would write to each member of my family when I said goodbye."I lived with the thought of ending my life for the next three years, every single day it was there with me. At around the age of 15 I got involved with my best friend of three years. We were so close, I felt so safe and secure with her and we ended up dating. I guess deep down it was a way of trying to prove to myself that I could change the course my life was heading in. We never had sex, we kissed and yeah I got turned on but still it did not sit right with me and I knew that but now I risked hurting my best friend. We had been close for so many years and her parents were like second parents to me. Her parents are Mauritian although my girlfriend/best friend had been brought up as a Christian. This added even more stress, not only would I hurt their daughter but would they ever accept me like they had for so many years? I told myself I only had to worry about that for another couple of years anyway. |
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It was around this time that a cousin of mine had come out to the family - I already knew. My family had all been fine, just as they were with my other cousin and it gave me a little strength. I wrote to my cousin who had just come out, I was 17 now and poured my heart out to him. We agreed to meet and it was from that point that him and his boyfriend took me under their wing. That felt great but there was still one thing, my girlfriend; I knew I had to sort it. The build up to that night was awful, I had already arranged to go to her parents that night, so I stuck with the plan but had prepared a letter for her telling everything that was going on. By the end of the night I still hadn't given it to her and I was soon due to go home. I had been so quiet she asked me whether I was breaking up with her and that was the point that I had to say something so I gave her the letter. As she read through it she cried and screamed at me to get out and so I headed home; a five year friendship ruined because I was gay. If that was how she was going to react then what was my family going to be like? About two hours after leaving I got a phone call from my now ex-girlfriend who apologised to me. I was so confused, it was me that should be apologising and then she said, ‘You need me more now than you ever have. I will always be here for you, no matter what’. She was telling the truth because 12 years on we are still the best of mates.
"It was such a relief to have someone who wasn't
gay accepting the fact that I was."
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Now she knew and so did my cousin, I seemed to get a bit of confidence. I still had the long hair that I was hiding behind, so off it came. By the age of 17 the thoughts of ending my life at 18 were becoming less frequent. People were starting to accept me for who I really was and I never thought that would happen. I still had my family to tell though and it scared me. My parents had divorced by now and I was staying with my Dad whilst my brothers stayed with my Mum, for no other reason than because my Dad was never there so I could have time to myself and live my life how I wanted to. |
I had been out with my cousin and his boyfriend one weekend to the local gay bar and I was then at my Sunday job working at a local garden centre. My mum picked me up at the end of the day and in the car she asked what I had done over the weekend. I explained what I'd been up to over the weekend, where I had been and with whom and then right there she asked me, 'Isn't that a gay bar? Does that mean you are?' And as quickly as that I had told my Mum I was gay. As expected my mum had no issues at all but I asked her not to tell Dad (not that they were really talking at the time) but asked her to tell my brothers as there was no way I could do that! |
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A few months later, my Dad had a new girlfriend which he didn’t think I knew about. One night I was in the lounge with him and I knew he really wanted to talk to me about something but couldn’t get the courage to say it. He wanted to tell me about his new girlfriend and after a while he finally said it. I could see how hard it had been for him. Dad was so worried about what I would think and I knew that feeling so I just went for it. 'Dad, I'm gay', I blurted it out. 'I thought so', he said and that was that. I was out to my best friend and my family. I had spent so many years worrying about what people would think. I had beaten myself up over it, worked out how I would end my life over it, yet it was so much better than I ever thought it could have been.
I still had hard times ahead though. |
At 18 I met a guy, older than me at 34 and he lived away. At weekends I would travel to spend time with him and I fell in love with him, well at least I thought it was falling in love. It was a tough relationship as he was still love with his ex who he still lived with and he would often make it clear to me who it was he really wanted. I think spending so many years feeling insecure about myself, my life and what I had become made me just accept it because he still gave me the cuddle that I was craving so much. Things got worse to the point that when we would be out he would point at people and tell me that I should look like them, that I needed to get fitter and look better. He knocked me down so much, I had beaten myself up for years about my life and now I thought I was in love with someone who was doing the same to me emotionally. I realised it had to stop and I got out of it, I was now living away from my family in Brighton.
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I am 29 now, 30 soon and I love my life. I had worried for so long about what my family would think about me and how I didn’t want to be like the boys I saw out. I didn’t want to be someone that had sex in public toilets! I just wanted to fall in love with someone and be with them, not sleeping with other people at the same time. As I began to live my life in Brighton I came to realise that this is my life and I can lead it however I want. Yes there are lots of guys that like to go cruising, there are lots that have open relationships but that doesn't mean we all have to do the same. I've had three serious relationships, one lasted three years, another two and a half and the last which finished recently was four and a half years. They were all monogamous, not one of them was an open relationship and that's how I will always be. I would rather finish a relationship than be pushed to change my morals. People either respect that or I don't need to be with them. Remember you can live your life however you choose. The only thing that's left to say is that it does get easier. I am one of the lucky ones and have never experienced homophobia. If you have you might be reading this thinking I have had it easy but maybe, the same as you, I still beat myself up inside. Don't do it, in time you will learn all that is important is your happiness. Of course we all want the love, respect and support from our family and those that we are closest to but ultimately you need to ensure that you are happy. You have to live your life for yourself and no one else. There are tough times ahead, I still find that even now, breaking someone’s heart, having yours broken but that’s the same whether you are gay, bi or straight. "Coming Out can be tough, it really can, but once you do it you can get on and live a life that is true to you and that is what we all deserve." |
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