James Ingham | Showbiz Editor, Daily Star Sunday | London
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"Fear. The underlying theme of my coming out story is fear. Fear of being discovered, fear of being rejected, fear of being unloved, fear of hurting the people I love. Fear of facing my fears head-on and then as a result, the fear of what would happen if I did." In my case fear built up and suffocated me so much it resulted in me trying to take my own life at aged 20 in the hope of ending my pain. It didn't end my pain, but crucially it didn't end my life either. My attempt was unsuccessful. I felt alone at the time but the sad fact is, Stonewall research has shown that nearly 25% of lesbian, gay and bisexual young people have tried to take their own life at some point. In comparison, Samaritans says 7% of all young people in general ever attempt to take their own life. That’s just one of the reasons why this R U Coming Out website is so important.
Fast-forward 14 years and I have an incredible life that I almost threw away. I have a loving, supportive family, who are proud of me regardless of my sexuality. I have the most loyal and loving group of friends - both gay and straight - who would do anything for me, proving water can be just as thick as blood. I’ve been lucky enough to be in relationships with some amazing men, who despite not being 'The One' have made me and my life better for knowing them. |
On top of that, I've been lucky enough to interview some of the world’s biggest stars through my work; including Whitney Houston, Rihanna, Simon Cowell and Posh Spice. I've travelled the world, raised over £100,000 for charity, I’ve bought my own London apartment with my long-suffering best mate Ant and most important of all, I've (hopefully) brought love and happiness to other people's lives. I don’t say these things to boast. I say them because I’m proud of them, even more so, because I almost threw away the chance of experiencing them due to fear!
Here's my coming out story...
I’ve always known I was gay from as early as I can remember. I might not have known that one day I would fantasise about David Beckham’s golden balls but I knew I was different. As a kid I was happy, extrovert and loving, but as I entered adolescence I became more withdrawn, self-conscious and sad. The realisation of being ‘different’ had progressed to feeling I wasn’t ‘normal’. Being oblivious to sexuality had given way to prayers I could be ‘straight’. Endless hours laughing and joking had succumbed to nights spent crying myself to sleep, wishing I had been born someone else. I’ll always remember those nights crying as quietly as I could while my older brother slept unaware in the bed next to me.
Some people are born gay and they embrace it. The jigsaw puzzle just fits perfectly. It’s a part of them and they are proud of that, no matter what the world or anyone else tells them. That’s the way it should be for everyone! Unfortunately for me, growing up gay meant feeling isolated and alone. Rewind twenty years and there wasn't any out and proud gay celebrities to look up to. You didn’t see two guys in a loving relationship walking down the street holding hands.
"Gay people were not offered equality, they were gossiped about, discriminated against and called ‘poofs’."
Embracing a hug with Nicole Scherzinger
at the Cosmopolitan Awards |
The feeling I remember more than anything growing up was the feeling of loneliness. On paper I had the perfect family but that made it harder because I felt the odd one out, the black sheep. My parents were still happily married, both sets of grandparents were happily married. I wanted to have kids and have a family and be like them but at the time that was an impossible dream. I should have been grateful to be in such a loving family but I felt isolated because I didn’t fit in to that ideal situation. I felt like I would let everyone down. I was lucky in some respects though. I was never bullied at school. I wasn't 'camp'' so never got picked on or called gay. This enabled me to develop the false outer shell I used as a disguise to stop people from knowing I was gay. It helped me live a lie for longer. I would do and say the right things not to give the game away. "The fear of being outed easily outweighed the feeling of isolation, for the time being anyway." My mum could never understand why I’d refuse to go play with schoolmates on Saturdays, instead choosing to visit my great Aunty Anne and play cards and boardgames with a brilliantly nutty old woman in her 70’s.
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"The reason was simple, the same reason why I wanted to play My Little Ponies with my sister as a kid, rather than play football with my brother. With Aunty Anne I could be myself. I could relax and have fun without fear. I didn’t have to pretend. I could be me."
Don’t get me wrong. My childhood wasn't an unhappy one. I had a loving family, and enjoyed a great upbringing. On paper I couldn’t have had it better. But it didn’t stop me being insecure, scared and self-conscious.
By the age of 14/15 I realised I wasn’t the only gay in the village and started seeking out the other ‘freaks' like me. While still having girlfriends at school I would then go out and steal gay mags from the top shelf of corner shops. I can remember the almost unbearable adrenaline rush - of both thrill and fear - as I made it out of the shop undiscovered. I started going to gay pubs in central Leeds on my own. I got my first boyfriend and head over heels decided to come out to my small group of three girl pals. I formed the perfect plan. I would introduce my boyfriend James (yes he had the same name as me) as my girlfriend Jamie and take him / her, to meet my mates. Looking back it wasn’t the best plan I’d ever had but it did the job. I had finally confessed my darkest secret to three of my closest mates and despite the briefest of wobbles from my best mate Cherry (who 20-years later is still right by my side) I’d survived unscathed.
From that moment I started to find my self-confidence again. James / Jamie and I didn’t last long but I was at college and making friends and exploring my sexuality and teenage years just like any other teenager. I fell in love for the first time. Well I didn’t, but in my head at the time I did. I started to feel free. I started to find a place in the world and I did what most of us do during the coming out process, I started to admit to people I was ‘bi-sexual’. I wasn’t ready to admit to being the dreaded G word yet. That would take a few more years!
By the age of 14/15 I realised I wasn’t the only gay in the village and started seeking out the other ‘freaks' like me. While still having girlfriends at school I would then go out and steal gay mags from the top shelf of corner shops. I can remember the almost unbearable adrenaline rush - of both thrill and fear - as I made it out of the shop undiscovered. I started going to gay pubs in central Leeds on my own. I got my first boyfriend and head over heels decided to come out to my small group of three girl pals. I formed the perfect plan. I would introduce my boyfriend James (yes he had the same name as me) as my girlfriend Jamie and take him / her, to meet my mates. Looking back it wasn’t the best plan I’d ever had but it did the job. I had finally confessed my darkest secret to three of my closest mates and despite the briefest of wobbles from my best mate Cherry (who 20-years later is still right by my side) I’d survived unscathed.
From that moment I started to find my self-confidence again. James / Jamie and I didn’t last long but I was at college and making friends and exploring my sexuality and teenage years just like any other teenager. I fell in love for the first time. Well I didn’t, but in my head at the time I did. I started to feel free. I started to find a place in the world and I did what most of us do during the coming out process, I started to admit to people I was ‘bi-sexual’. I wasn’t ready to admit to being the dreaded G word yet. That would take a few more years!
"My new-found freedom didn’t last too long though. When I was aged 18 and at university my mum finally discovered my dirty little secret. Unfortunately for both of us, despite her obvious love for me, she didn’t handle it well."
Due to societies less accepting stance at the time she shared the same naive fears of what being gay would mean as I did. In short, I would be rejected and vilified by society, I’d live a second rate life and probably die of Aids and be buried in my favourite pink hot pants while Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive played in the background. Ok, so I’ve used a bit of artistic licence there but you get my drift! I will always remember mum saying choosing to be gay would be ‘a life time sentence’ and as a result I went back in the closet and, on the surface at least, lived a lie for another five years or so.
My intentions to go Uni out and proud soon succumbed to fear once more. It was only a matter of days before I shamefully took down my bedroom poster of a semi-naked Leonardo DiCaprio and replaced it with Easther from Eternal (probably a bigger giveaway sign looking back).
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It was one paralytic night at uni while in my second year that I made that regretful decision to end my life. I don’t honestly know why I tried to do what I did that night but all I remember is wanting the feeling of hurt to stop. I wanted to be happy but didn’t know how. I’d drunk way too much and somehow had the crazy idea of ending it all on the way home. Thankfully I’ve never contemplated something so desperate since. I’ve never really spoken about it since either until now. I guess looking back it was a cry for help and it gave me the reality check I needed to seek help. Once I did, things improved. "I went to see a counsellor who helped in so many ways. It was so good for me to be able to speak honestly and openly without fear of judgement, or sympathy for that matter which at times was just as bad. I feel proud and no shame to admit I got therapy. I needed help and got it. I hate the stigma attached to counselling which is still around today." |
Interviewing Kylie
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It was after this point that I fell in love with a girl for the one and only time. Talk about messing up my head! I was just coming to terms with being gay and all of a sudden I was head over heels for a girl called Dimple with big boobs and no penis. Everyone said it wouldn’t last, and in one way it didn’t. Our short romance came to a disappointing an abrupt end because of my limp mini-me. If my sexuality was ever in doubt it was now certain… I was definitely 100% gay! In another way everyone else was wrong though and Dimple and I were right. Despite not seeing each other as often as we'd like, Dimple is still one of my closest friends and we’ll always have a special bond none else will quite understand. She is and always will be the anchor to my ship!
It was after uni I went on a mission of self-discovery travelling the world for two years, but you can’t run forever and when I did return home I knew I could no longer live a lie. I’d been lucky over the previous few years to establish the most amazing bonds with my mates, both gay and straight, who loved me for me. I’d met my first serious boyfriend Dave and was two years into a loving relationship. I didn’t want to hide any more. I didn’t want to live a lie to my family when to everyone else I met I was gay. I’d already told my sister when my mum found out all those years earlier because I didn’t want my mum or me to deal with it alone. My sister was brilliant then and she has been all my life. I drunkenly told my brother years later when I fell in the bath crying after too many pints. Hysterically he still didn’t believe me at the time but after a few more hints and discussions it sunk in and our relationship became stronger as a result. The main issue was telling my dad though. My mum still didn’t want me to. Consumed with worry my dad would disown me, my mum still carried the fear of me being gay, just like I had carried it for years growing up. Looking back I feel sorry for my mum. She was scared and full of the fear that me being gay would rip up the family. It didn’t.
It was after uni I went on a mission of self-discovery travelling the world for two years, but you can’t run forever and when I did return home I knew I could no longer live a lie. I’d been lucky over the previous few years to establish the most amazing bonds with my mates, both gay and straight, who loved me for me. I’d met my first serious boyfriend Dave and was two years into a loving relationship. I didn’t want to hide any more. I didn’t want to live a lie to my family when to everyone else I met I was gay. I’d already told my sister when my mum found out all those years earlier because I didn’t want my mum or me to deal with it alone. My sister was brilliant then and she has been all my life. I drunkenly told my brother years later when I fell in the bath crying after too many pints. Hysterically he still didn’t believe me at the time but after a few more hints and discussions it sunk in and our relationship became stronger as a result. The main issue was telling my dad though. My mum still didn’t want me to. Consumed with worry my dad would disown me, my mum still carried the fear of me being gay, just like I had carried it for years growing up. Looking back I feel sorry for my mum. She was scared and full of the fear that me being gay would rip up the family. It didn’t.
"As it turned out telling my dad was a big game changer. Finding the courage to confront him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. He was surprised, in truth disappointed. But as he walked me to my car that night he told me that I was his son and he would always love me no matter what. That’s all I needed to hear."
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From then on my mum was also able to slowly let go of her own fear. It wasn’t long before my grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles were all in on the now (not so dirty) secret. It was no longer an issue. Dave was slowly welcomed into the family, whether it was Christmas dinner or family holidays. Letting go of the fear had given me freedom. There’s been the odd family hiccup since, but on the whole we are just like any other family.
Dave and I broke up after nearly five years together. I moved to London and started a new life down here. In the last eight-years I’ve been lucky enough to work a dream job and meet the best group of friends anyone could wish for. Don’t get me wrong, life’s nowhere near as perfect as that ever illusive Disney movie. I still have my own insecurities, I’m still battling some demons I picked up as that terrified teenager but we all suffer from our own insecurities whether gay or straight. |
Being supported by brother, sister and parents at my first
'James' Jog-On To Cancer' charity event |
Writing this has made me think about the topic of coming out and how there isn’t a right or wrong formula. Everyone's individual story is different. It’s up to the individual how and when they come out. It has to be their own decision, when and however that will be. All anyone can do is make the decision they believe is best for them. As gay men we tend to value our self-worth in how others see us, which is something that needs to change. Growing up in the 80's and 90's gay men were led to believe we were second rate citizens. Thankfully nowadays things are completely different but while ever anyone is scared and fearful of coming out there’s still a lot of progress to make.
"What I would say to anyone reading this and being scared of coming out is this. There’s nothing more fearful than fear itself. If you can't simply be the person you were born to be and look in a mirror and be proud of that person then you aren't truly living your own life. You are living the life others want for you. That's the same whether you are gay or straight, bi or transgender. We are all human-beings, we all have our fears, failings and faults. But all we can do is be true to ourselves."
Celebrating my 35th birthday this year with mates
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Family and friends may not accept you over night. Relationships may get worse before they eventually get better, or as is often the case people may surprise you and it could all end up being less scary than you first thought! For me personally, I needed to be honest and open with everyone. I needed their love and approval to make peace with being gay myself. Unfortunately that took a lot longer than it should have done due to fear. I’ll never get all those wasted years living in fear back. It wasn’t an easy process and there were lots of tears along the way. But the way I see it is this. Its better to start living your life and face a few fears than living a lie in fear. Nothing is worse than that. Plus it could be a lot worse……I could be straight. Now that would be boring! |
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