Haydn | 31 | London, England | Actor
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"Most of my childhood and teenage life was spent being called a fairy, girl, poof and all the other names you can think of." It should come as no surprise then that over the years, I began to believe there was something very wrong with me and that being the way I was, was wrong and something to be ashamed of. All my life my family have been the biggest part of my life and as a child I relied heavily on my parents. As I grew older and knew for certain I was gay, I became increasingly worried (to the point of depression) that if I told my parents they would turn their backs on me or at least it would change their view of me. Even though I knew deep down in my heart that would never happen, I wasn't prepared to take that risk so I tried to live a heterosexual life. However, my natural urges and feelings became far too strong to ignore. As a result of this I told a few close friends I was gay - turns out it was no surprise to anyone at all. However, I felt so deceitful lying to my parents. After spending two years at college I got a full time job and made a new circle of friends, one of which was a really nice woman a few years older than me and we developed what I thought was a close friendship - she however did not see it like that. |
During one of our nights out she began kissing me and asked me to go home with her. I was totally taken by surprise and could not believe what was happening. I told her I was gay and then went home crying all the way as I knew the only people I needed at that moment were my parents. I got home at around 3 o'clock in the morning and my dad was still awake, waiting for me. I asked him if he could make me a drink while I had a shower and that I needed to talk with him. When we spoke I sat down and told him what had happened and he asked me why I didn't go back with her.
"I began crying and shaking because I knew what I was about to say, I literally could not breathe. My Dad started to panic and shouted for my Mum who flew down the stairs."
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I felt so ashamed I couldn't even sit anywhere near them, I could see how worried and upset it was making them so I tried hard to compose myself, but could not stop crying. I eventually told them I was gay and explained how much pain it had caused me over the years, I told them I was so very scared that it would change their view of me. Once I had calmed down they told me there was nothing I could say or do that would alter their love for me in any way and they would always be my parents and always be proud of me no matter what. From that point my entire family slowly began to find out, each and every single one of them showing me nothing but respect, love and support. I can honestly say I am very, very blessed to have such a loving family. I know it sounds like a cliche but although coming out really was such a painful experience for me, it was one that has changed my life dramatically and for the better.
"Being free to fully embrace who I am has allowed me to grow in confidence and be the person I always wanted to be. I am now a trained and working actor and I'm soon to start my teacher training." |
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I truly believe that sexuality shouldn't define us or dictate our lives, but I am proud of who I am and if that means I am proud to be gay then so be it.
Follow Hadyn on Twitter - @HaydnJames82
Follow Hadyn on Twitter - @HaydnJames82
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