Gill | 52 | West Sussex, England | Editor and Proof Reader

I have two lovely sons, who are 21 and 24. The 21-year-old is just coming to the end of a sports science degree, happily living with his girlfriend and starting to look for a job. His older brother is also coming to the end of an era, working on a thesis summarising three years of research for a doctorate in physics. Naturally, I’m proud of them both – especially as they're such nice people to boot.
 

"Oh yes, and Chris, my elder son, is gay. He’s been out since
he was 18 and, of that, I am very proud and very relieved."


When Chris was going through puberty, he showed very few outward signs that he was gay – or, indeed, that he was struggling with feelings about his sexuality at all. Looking back, there were indications and the main one was a lack of girlfriend!

At secondary school, Chris was very popular and had lots of friends of both sexes. He did have one lovely girl friend – but, it turned out she was his ‘gay girlfriend’. I really got that one wrong!
It was a Tuesday evening and I was going through the usual challenge of establishing if an evening meal was required. Chris was sat at the kitchen table engrossed in his computer when he said that he wouldn’t need a meal, as he was going out with someone. And that someone was a man….In the midst of the tumbling emotions, my thoughts turned to his 15-year-old brother. I wanted him to know as soon as possible. But, when I did get hold of him, he already knew of course. He was just waiting for me to be told. His attitude was that nothing had changed – Chris was still Chris. As proud as I am of Chris, I am equally proud of Andy as that attitude has remained constant.

I had noticed that whenever there was a rift within the friendship group, it was Chris who was the peacemaker. He’s also well balanced, sensible – sensitive, as well, to other people’s feelings. So, when he did tell me he was gay, it was done with trademark calmness. It was me, I am afraid to say, who did a creditable impression of an extremely flustered chicken for several hours.

One of my overwhelming feelings was how little I knew about what Chris must have gone through. He says he knew he was gay from about the age of 12.

"I just felt so sad that he
had been through those
turbulent teenage years
with many confusing
emotions, on his own."
He’d also had to cope with the death of his dad when he was just 14. Another thing that occurred to me was how naive I was about the gay scene. I had worked with gay people and we live near Brighton but somehow I don’t think that is the same! So, I contacted the Brighton Gay and Lesbian Helpline. I spoke to a very calm, understanding man who assured me that my first born was not about to be spirited away by some shady character in a grubby mac! I’m really grateful for the advisor’s sensible words, which went a long way to allaying my fears.
Knowing Chris was gay made life so much easier when the time came for him to go to university. There were no secrets about where he was going or who with. I’ve loved meeting his gay friends – one of them and I can really throw some shapes on the dance floor, I do believe. Being gay and open about it is not the issue it used to be. But, it seems to me that it is still a daunting and sometimes traumatic step to take. Only recently I was really shocked at work, when the conversation turned alarmingly and surprisingly homophobic. We’ve also heard some sad stories of people who know that they will never be able to tell their parents (often because of age or religious beliefs) and so never be able to share many important parts of their lives. In my case, I really do believe that Chris could well have found himself in a marriage to a woman, and with children, if he hadn’t been true to his true feelings.  He will make a great parent if he decides to go down that route though.

At the moment, Chris is beginning to think about the future as he comes to the end of his research. He’s looking to perhaps working outside the UK; wherever he settles he’ll have the support of Andy and me. He’s very ‘normal’, anti-gay scene and still with the same sort of friendship group he had in his teens. He’s currently single but as he says ‘only…because I’m engaged to my thesis’. I would really love to see him with someone who cherishes him – but as two previous relationships have ended shortly after I have met the men in question, I may have to stay in the background for quite some time!

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