Gareth | 31 | Hampshire, England | Policeman
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The other day it dawned on me that it had been 10 years since I came out as gay. Usually I remember the date - November 19th - but for whatever reason, at the ten year landmark, I forgot. Perhaps I was busy; perhaps it doesn't matter when it actually was any more, but either way it made me think. I thought about the day I decided to do it, the person I was and the person I am now. I had a very easy 'coming out' so I guess I was thinking about what I wanted to write here. I was at University in my third year of Film Studies when I came out. So to paraphrase a not-very-good film: I'm not going to tell the story the way it probably happened. |
I had known that I was gay for at least a few years before I actually came out but I denied it to myself and only really properly acknowledged it, literally, the night before I came out to my friends. Looking back, I can see that I have had gay feelings for most of my life but I either didn't process them that way or, as I said, denied them to myself.
The night before, I remember telling myself out loud, "I'm gay". There had been many things leading up to this point but right then, in that moment, it was like a switch had been clicked and I knew there was no going back. I had a really great nights sleep and woke the next day knowing that I had to tell people; first, my housemates. I remember walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen where the other guys I lived with were.
"It was like being at the pool when you've climbed to the top of the highest diving platform -
you're not sure if you want to jump off but there's also no going back."
You steel yourself, count to three and jump. I walked into the kitchen and told them. Their reaction was nothing spectacular. Ben high fived me from behind the fridge door. Phil told me it was cool and carried on making breakfast. It was the best reaction I could have hoped for because it set the tone for the rest of the day and gave me the confidence to keep going and continue to tell people. I decided that the best way for everyone else to find out was for me to tell the two people whom I was certain would probably tell most other people for me. That's not to reflect badly on them or to suggest that they are shameless gossips, more that I didn't really want to have to tell absolutely everyone face-to-face. I was happy to tell certain people and then have the news spread through our circle of friends.
At the first lecture that day, I found my friends Vicki and James. I told James as he was walking, late, into the lecture hall. I kind of ambushed him but made sure he'd heard me right. I told Vicki after the lecture, taking her to one side (later she'd tell me that she thought I was going to tell her something "really serious or awful" - says it all) and spilling the beans. Sure enough, my plan worked and I was satisfied that by the end of the day, most people whom I wanted to know on that day, did know.
I had an easy coming out. I'm grateful that no one reacted Most people politely said things along the lines of "we'd never have guessed", but I think that one of the reasons things were so easy was because many people at least suspected that I might be gay so the news came as no real shock. I think it also speaks volumes about the state of the world today in that most people really don't care about your sexuality. They like you for you and most people probably want to know an honest, happy version of you. |
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I could go on for ages about those first few days and weeks but the main point to make is how much of a weight off my mind had been lifted. For years I had been hiding my true self and sneaking around, meeting guys and with hindsight, behaving badly to them because I was keeping a secret. How could I treat someone nicely and engage in a proper relationship when I was still in denial about being gay? I dated girls but of course couldn't really commit to them either. I felt like I was deceiving everyone I was even partially intimate with. I cringe at the way I must have treated people then.
My close friends told me that I was like a different person.
My close friends told me that I was like a different person.
"Before I came out I was moody, snappy, angry and by some accounts, a real prick.
Afterwards, I gather that I was much nicer and easier to be around."
It would be another year before I came out to my parents. I had been seeing my partner for about six months. One evening, on the phone to my Mum, she asked, "Are you seeing anyone?" "Yes", I said. "What's his name?" was my Mum's reply. How awesome is that? I didn't even have to bother. I guess she got so sick of waiting that she just decided to take the bull by the horns and ask the right question.
So, where am I now? Ten years on, I'm now a police officer and am out at work. My sexuality has never been an issue and I don't feel that I have to hide who I am (or even tone it down). I'm still with the same guy I've been with for over eight years. We have a house, a dog, jobs, good friends and supportive families. In every way we are as unexceptional as every other couple. I mean that not in a dismissive way just that I feel that I'm living a normal, happy life, as everyone has a right to expect to. Being gay is a part of that but not the biggest thing. Before you come out, it feels like such a huge issue but once you're on the other side you realise that you're still the same person - you're likely just a happier one, free to get on with all the other stuff.
So, to anyone reading this who is yet to come out, all I can say is DO! I can't promise that your experience will be as plain sailing as mine was and that you won't come across someone who reacts negatively. However, you might be very pleasantly surprised and I guarantee that you will feel better about yourself and happier as a result. It's no good carrying a burden of half living your life.
You can follow Gareth on Twitter - @gmcgaw
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