Edd | 21 | London, England | Television Industry
‘Coming out’ is an interesting turn of phrase, yet it does sum up the emotions I went through. However, that’s the thing; it is such a personal process. What may be ‘one day’ to some was in fact many years for me. Being brutally honest, there are still times when I venture back in ‘the closet’, despite considering myself to be ‘fully out’.
Whilst friends find it hard to believe that not everyone around me knows I’m gay, older members of my family are still not aware of my sexuality. For all I know they may have guessed or been told by other family members. But in terms of how I act and what I say around them, I am a heterosexual 20year old boy who is not concentrating on getting a girlfriend whilst he finishes his degree. With these particular individuals I feel no need to ‘come out’, however, if circumstances change then who knows what information I will divulge.
Realising I was gay as I reached puberty at 13, it was not long before I told a close friend. Fortunately, I never had a huge issue with being gay myself. In fact, when I realised my sexuality, it answered a lot of questions. So over MSN I told her what everyone else in my school had already guessed. I don’t remember the conversation, or really feeling anything inside. Whether that was because I still was not 100% sure myself and using instant messaging was not a very formal platform to discuss the subject, I do not know. All I remember is telling her the next day that I wasn’t joking and her shrugging, “Yeah, I know you weren’t”.
|
From there I began to tell one friend at a time, insisting that they did not tell a soul. I don’t think it was surprising news for anyone, and the lack of reaction is probably the reason why I don’t remember each individual ‘coming out’ experience. By the time I was 16, the night before GCSE results, about 10 close friends (all girls) knew about my sexuality officially. It was on this night that I had my first gay encounter in a public arena. At a house party, it became common knowledge about my sexual preference.
Perhaps fortunately for me, there was a lot of other ‘gossip’ to distract from my worst kept secret. But it felt good. Now boys knew; friends who in my eyes had legitimate reason to feel awkward around me. I know I am lucky that those around me accepted the ‘news’ and moved on. Or maybe they should have cared more?! It was at this point that I really began to feel like I was ‘coming out’. |
By now enough people knew that comments were being made in front of other people who I had not told, and soon it became common knowledge. There was never ‘one day’ that I came out at school. It was never the gossip of the day. And I am pleased about that. I didn’t want it to be. Why should it be?
"It was a weird
|
When I was ‘in the closet’ I didn’t realise I was hiding away. Having known nothing else, you automatically vet what you say and who you fancy that month. I wasn’t great at being ‘in the closet’ at the best of times, but the confidence it gave me helped all other aspects of my life. Next step - parents!
This was the difficult one for me. I lie...this took the longest. Mum’s sister (my aunt) is a lesbian and accepted, so I would have been shocked if her reaction was a negative one. However, my Father is very religious and I had no idea how he would take the news. During Sixth Form I never lied to my parents. When they asked about kids, girlfriends, marriage etc., I was always honest. “I’m not thinking about girls right now”, “I don’t think I want to keep that for my children” and so on. I suppose it was my little protest to them assuming I was straight. But realistically, these were very rare topics of conversation. I don’t have that sort of relationship with my parents and so it was easy to avoid the topic altogether.
This was the difficult one for me. I lie...this took the longest. Mum’s sister (my aunt) is a lesbian and accepted, so I would have been shocked if her reaction was a negative one. However, my Father is very religious and I had no idea how he would take the news. During Sixth Form I never lied to my parents. When they asked about kids, girlfriends, marriage etc., I was always honest. “I’m not thinking about girls right now”, “I don’t think I want to keep that for my children” and so on. I suppose it was my little protest to them assuming I was straight. But realistically, these were very rare topics of conversation. I don’t have that sort of relationship with my parents and so it was easy to avoid the topic altogether.
|
Originally I always thought that if I had some (hopefully) ‘handsome’ to tell them about then I would. Coming from a small city and meeting very few gay people my age, the opportunity never arose. In hindsight this is a huge blessing. I think they would have secretly blamed said ‘handsome’ for me being gay and never truly accepted them as well as me.
|
As it got closer to leaving for University I felt they should know. I had never been happier with a great network of friends around me. The confidence I had that if it all went tits up I would have my ‘chosen family’ to support me meant it felt like the right time. Writing a thank you letter for all they had given me ahead of moving on into the next stage of my life, the final paragraph concluded with my ‘coming out’.
|
With all the crazy that is involved in the first day of University, I completely forgot I had left the letter. Aside from all the ‘new’ in my life, I think I was so comfortable with my decision that I knew no matter what I’d be all right. Writing about it now makes it seem so simple, and it was. At that point in my life it was simple. It was the easy thing to do. It took a long time to get to that point, and I wouldn’t change how I did it at all.
|
So on the first night of University, I’m in a taxi to our first night out with new friends, bawling my eyes out as I receive the following texts:
|
Dear Edward, Thank you for the wonderful wonderful letter and all the lovely things you have said about us and our family. Thank you also for telling us that you are gay. I am impressed by your honesty and for telling us who you are. I don’t think I can add more than that now nor that texting is the right forum in any event. Mum and I are immensely proud of all that you have achieved developing in so many ways as each year has passed. We didn’t think we could be happier than when we were first married and then God blessed us further when you were born. We are incredibly lucky and fortunate parents to have you as our son. Enjoy all the opportunities that Cardiff provides and go from strength to strength as ye years unfold. God bless you in all you do and with whoever you choose to share your life. All my love Dad xxxx
A weight was lifted when they knew, and whilst there have been awkward conversations since, and still some unanswered questions, I cannot stress how much better I feel. I did not realise how emotional I would get receiving those texts. I’m not one for crying, but the release of emotion, whatever that emotion was, was like no other.
|
Dear Edward thank you for all our lovely presents and card and letter we love you so much as I think you know I hope you will find a partner who will really love you just like your dad does me it is the best thing in life keep me posted love you my darling m x x x x x x x x x x x x x
|
I do not want to tell anyone to come out, or how they should go about it, and definitely not when they should do it. It is far too personal for someone like me to comment. However, I am grateful that the decisions I made lead to me being happier. My one bit of ‘advice’ is trust the people you are telling. Know that they have your best interests at heart to allow you to take it one step at a time. Talk to them and get them to understand your story. “I hadn’t thought of it like that” is my most common response. And it’s that little thought that will go a long way...
Follow Edd on Twitter - @EddClay
Follow Edd on Twitter - @EddClay
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...
