Donal | 31 | Dublin, Ireland | Psychotherapist
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Hi everyone, my name is Donnie. Well that's a nickname actually – my real name is Dónal but Donnie is easier for people to say for some reason. I've been reading through some of the very emotional and heartfelt stories people have shared on rucomingout and I've decided to share mine too. I'm 30 soon to be 31 and from Dublin. I came out 12 years ago and I can remember it vividly. Before I go into that specific part of my story I need to go back a little further. My parents’ marriage was less than ideal and believe me that's putting it mildly. In fact, they probably should never have married but then neither I nor my little sister would be here. My father was of the old school variety and I mean that literally; he was born in the 1920's and when you do the scary maths you realise that when he met my Mum (his second wife) and they had their children, he was in his late 50's. |
Anything that didn't fit my dad’s version of normal family life was unacceptable and so needless to say home life back then was not pleasant. After 10 years of putting up with this Mum finally found the courage to leave him and we never looked back. Not long after that he died from a heart attack. I have always distanced myself from anything that remotely connected me to him but when I was a teenager and started to realise that I was different, that I was gay, his angry trait started to surface in me. All that anger and rage about being different, being gay, found its way to the surface and I kind of lost my self.
"If anyone even mentioned the word gay around me it was like a bomb went off."
For four years I kept up the walls and the front around me and even had the girlfriend but it wasn't working, it wasn't me I was slowly dying inside. I reached breaking point when I realised that I couldn’t go through life living a lie. I broke up with my girlfriend and slowly started to accept who I was. I remember me first setting foot in a gay bar and nearly bolting back out thinking I couldn’t do it. I braved it however and slowly took steps towards getting to know myself while remaining firmly in the closet to friends and family. This all changed though when I met my first boyfriend. I had never really wanted a relationship with him or with anyone else to be honest. Seeing my parents’ relationship and the pain and heartache it caused had turned me off the idea.
After I'd been seeing Bobby for about two months I realised that I no longer wanted, or was able, to hide who I was. So I finally plucked up the courage to tell Mum. I remember it so vividly after all these years. It was the last Wednesday in November and it was about two o’clock in the morning. I was sitting at the end of my mum's bed and we had been talking about everything apart from what I really wanted to. I remember suddenly it hit me when I looked at my mum and burst into tears. She asked me what was wrong and at that point I was so distraught that only dogs would have been able to make sense of what I was saying! I begged her not to hate me and told her that I needed her to know who I was and then I said those words that seemed to make time stop. “Mum I'm gay.” I looked at her trying to gauge her reaction and what she said to me was completely unexpected. “I know, I've always known”, she said. Needless to say I got a little stroppy and asked her why, if she'd always known, she didn't say something to me. It was what she said to me next that has stayed with me ever since and always will.
After I'd been seeing Bobby for about two months I realised that I no longer wanted, or was able, to hide who I was. So I finally plucked up the courage to tell Mum. I remember it so vividly after all these years. It was the last Wednesday in November and it was about two o’clock in the morning. I was sitting at the end of my mum's bed and we had been talking about everything apart from what I really wanted to. I remember suddenly it hit me when I looked at my mum and burst into tears. She asked me what was wrong and at that point I was so distraught that only dogs would have been able to make sense of what I was saying! I begged her not to hate me and told her that I needed her to know who I was and then I said those words that seemed to make time stop. “Mum I'm gay.” I looked at her trying to gauge her reaction and what she said to me was completely unexpected. “I know, I've always known”, she said. Needless to say I got a little stroppy and asked her why, if she'd always known, she didn't say something to me. It was what she said to me next that has stayed with me ever since and always will.
"Mum said, “I couldn't say it to you because you weren't ready to hear it, but now that you're here telling me who you are, I know that you will always be OK in life. You’ll be OK because you have accepted yourself for who you are and you're not ashamed of that and I love you even more for it.”
She was right! Everyone I know was so accepting. From that day on my friends, family and colleagues have all accepted me for being a man who happens to be gay. Well I say I had no problems with reactions but that’s not entirely true.
Six years ago this July I lost my Mum after a long illness. After we laid her to rest in the cemetery we stood at the graveside as prayers where being said when my ex boyfriend came up to me. I couldn't put on a brave face and I couldn't pretend to be strong and so he took my hand when I needed support the most. That is when it happened. One of my Mum's sisters had seen this compassionate act of handholding and decided to voice her opinion. “That's disgusting. What do you think you are doing?”
I’ve never before or since felt so belittled. Sean tried to let go of my hand but I wouldn't let him. I don't know where I found the strength, maybe it was from Mum's words all those years ago, but I faced my aunt and told her to leave, not to come back and that she was no longer welcome when I was around. It's funny, they say you should forgive, but in that instance with what was happening I have never been able to forgive her for what she said to me that day. We've spoken since about the incident, I've told her how much it hurt and she has apologised so maybe in time that forgiveness will come.
That was six years ago now and when I think of where life has taken me and the work I am doing now it all really started for me when I came out. I'm now a therapist working with people struggling with issues in their own lives and for some it is coming to terms with their sexuality.
"It's funny, but I've learned that being gay doesn't define you as a person it is simply a part of you, a small part of the whole of you."
That is my story as it is now with more chapters to be written. Most of all I wanted to share with you the words my Mum said to me. “In life you will always be OK when you accept who you are and you no longer feel ashamed.”
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