Dave | 31 | North Yorkshire, England | Structural Engineer
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“So, any tips on coming out in your thirties?” This was the beginning of a fairly long and rambling message to a gay friend of mine who I knew had come out 'later in life' (but in his twenties it turns out I should add, he's 'age sensitive'). I'd written this message and a couple of others like it to him and another gay guy I knew on a couple of occasions when under the influence of a drink or two, but always bottled it and hit the delete key. This time I must have had a couple more than usual so I hit the send key. The morning after, before work and through a thick headache, I sent an apology for dumping it on him but didn't retract it. It was December 20th 2011 and I was 30 years old. It was the start of a new chapter of my life, but I wish I'd started on it much sooner. I'm fairly typical in that I knew from an early age (about 10 or 11) that I was different. I even had a near 'something' with a male friend in primary school that was close to being far too advanced for such a young age, and I knew it wasn't right. Well, I didn't perceive it as right anyway. I thought I would meet a girl and do the 'normal' thing and all this would be forgotten. I spent many years, 30 to be exact, trying to tell myself that but it was never the truth, and I think I always knew it. |
Secondary school was fairly uneventful; I had a massive crush on one of the boys but managed to hide it fairly well. I met him at a wedding a few years after leaving school and got the impression that he knew, and that he might not have been averse to it, but I didn't have the guts to do anything about it. Occasionally at school some comment would be thrown my way and I would deny it and ignore it – there was so much homophobic stuff flying around that I didn't feel like I was being singled out and that nobody would suspect me. I'd get caught catching a sneaky glance in the changing rooms but could always make an excuse and shrug it off. I wasn't particularly popular but had some good friends, many of which I'm sorry to have lost touch with. There were barely any girlfriends, and when there were they never amounted to anything and fizzled out due to lack of interest on my part.
Off I went to university, and still I thought I could be 'normal'. I certainly wouldn't entertain the fact that I was gay. I wish I had then, a new start and new people to get to know the real me, but alas I remained in my little closet.
Off I went to university, and still I thought I could be 'normal'. I certainly wouldn't entertain the fact that I was gay. I wish I had then, a new start and new people to get to know the real me, but alas I remained in my little closet.
"I had some failed one-night-stands with girls,
but enough to make people think that I was a 'normal' bloke."
I finished university and luckily straight into a job in structural engineering. I moved up north, 300 miles away from home. Surely a perfect chance for a fresh start and time to discover myself? No. I was still under some disillusion that I just hadn't met the right girl and in time I would put all those thoughts behind me. It took another six years until I had my eureka moment.
I'd like to say I met some fantastic guy and we got together then I told everyone and will lived happily ever after. It's not quite as fairy tale as that unfortunately, but there is still a happy ending. As it happens I did meet a fantastic guy, but not in that way. I met him in the local pub and got to know him vaguely at first. He had just split up with his boyfriend of 11 years, and I was pining after a girl I'd fallen in love with. I really had, and still love her, but it wasn't a sexual thing – she is just a fantastic person and someone I wanted to spend a lot of time with, and still do. He and I had something in common (kind of) and started chatting when we bumped into each other. It turns out that at first he thought I was gay but that I had persuaded him otherwise – something I had grown accustomed to doing and quite good at apparently. There was also the young local barman, outrageously gay and confident. I admired him a lot for the way he lived his life. Basically, for the first time ever, I was in contact with openly gay people who were accepted and respected for who and what they were – this was a crucial point for me as I had never been lucky enough to experience this. Gay people living happy lives, maybe there's something to this...
I'd like to say I met some fantastic guy and we got together then I told everyone and will lived happily ever after. It's not quite as fairy tale as that unfortunately, but there is still a happy ending. As it happens I did meet a fantastic guy, but not in that way. I met him in the local pub and got to know him vaguely at first. He had just split up with his boyfriend of 11 years, and I was pining after a girl I'd fallen in love with. I really had, and still love her, but it wasn't a sexual thing – she is just a fantastic person and someone I wanted to spend a lot of time with, and still do. He and I had something in common (kind of) and started chatting when we bumped into each other. It turns out that at first he thought I was gay but that I had persuaded him otherwise – something I had grown accustomed to doing and quite good at apparently. There was also the young local barman, outrageously gay and confident. I admired him a lot for the way he lived his life. Basically, for the first time ever, I was in contact with openly gay people who were accepted and respected for who and what they were – this was a crucial point for me as I had never been lucky enough to experience this. Gay people living happy lives, maybe there's something to this...
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Anyhow, time went by and still nothing happened. I can't remember when, maybe some time in autumn 2011, I’d had a fantastic night out in the pub with friends so spent Saturday morning keeping my pillow company and wishing the birds wouldn't sing so loudly. I got my laptop out and started browsing. I came across a gay themed YouTube channel and started watching some films (in 15 minute sections) – ‘Get Real’ and ‘Beautiful Thing’ I recall and a couple of others too. I discovered ‘Queer as Folk’ on 4OD and watched both series at least twice. I cried a bit, thought a bit, cried a bit more, but by now a flick had been switched in my head - literally. “I'm gay, there's nothing I can do to change it but I can certainly do something about it”.
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"I finally admitted it to myself, which is the first of many
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All this was a good few weeks before I sent 'that' message, but when I did it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had still only told one person, and hadn't even seen him face to face, but the world felt like a different place – I knew I had started something that I couldn't stop but I loved the fact that I had. I went to my friend who I’d told. We had a beer and a chat and a few good laughs. I probably spent a good couple of hours there just really enjoying that I could talk openly and honestly about myself for the first time ever. I was due to go to stay with my parents over Christmas, so the plan was to tell my family, then come back and start telling everyone else. I spent that drive home listening to Noah and the Whale, ‘Last Night on Earth’. “Used to be somebody, now you're someone else... gonna change his ways” are the opening lines to the first track on the album. It seemed so significant and will always stay with me. I spent the whole holiday on tenterhooks wondering when to do it and how (but definitely not over the Christmas dinner table!). |
I took my Mum out for a walk one day, and after a lot of avoiding the subject finally blurted out “I've got a special new year’s resolution this year....” We went on to talk about it and she barely batted an eyelid. “Never mind the grand kids, we've already got one fantastic one ... don't get Aids!” was an afterthought comment – bless her. We decided not to tell my Dad, who has dementia, as he probably wouldn't understand and may very well forget it. I'm not too happy about this but in the circumstances it is the right choice. A few days later I told my sister (who according to Mum always had her suspicions) and brother in law. I got fantastic support all round and there was nothing to worry about after all!
There was a little blip. I met up with a very close old girlfriend for a drink and a catch up as I always like to do whenever I go home. I was determined to tell her the truth, and spent my evening avoiding the subject, waiting for the right time. That was until she made a drunken comment “Why didn't we ever get together properly... my parents asked if you were gay, ha ha ha, as if!” In hindsight that was the perfect time, but on the spur of the moment I decided to keep it to myself – I still hadn’t worked up the courage/found the opportunity to set things straight, or not as the case may be. There's always a reason not to do it, but it was just an excuse – do as I say not as I do...
So I headed home with the freedom to tell whoever I wanted to. I made a mental list in my head of close friends who I should tell face to face, and the rest I didn't mind finding out from other people. Gradually, very gradually, I went to see people and had the most important chat of my life, time and time again. Each time I would spend at least an hour acting normally while inside I was reeling and nervous as hell. Would they shout at me? Would they throw me out of their house in disgust? Of course not, there was shock, there was some dismay that I hadn't told them sooner, but generally there was just interest, questions, laughs, hugs and fantastic support.
There was a little blip. I met up with a very close old girlfriend for a drink and a catch up as I always like to do whenever I go home. I was determined to tell her the truth, and spent my evening avoiding the subject, waiting for the right time. That was until she made a drunken comment “Why didn't we ever get together properly... my parents asked if you were gay, ha ha ha, as if!” In hindsight that was the perfect time, but on the spur of the moment I decided to keep it to myself – I still hadn’t worked up the courage/found the opportunity to set things straight, or not as the case may be. There's always a reason not to do it, but it was just an excuse – do as I say not as I do...
So I headed home with the freedom to tell whoever I wanted to. I made a mental list in my head of close friends who I should tell face to face, and the rest I didn't mind finding out from other people. Gradually, very gradually, I went to see people and had the most important chat of my life, time and time again. Each time I would spend at least an hour acting normally while inside I was reeling and nervous as hell. Would they shout at me? Would they throw me out of their house in disgust? Of course not, there was shock, there was some dismay that I hadn't told them sooner, but generally there was just interest, questions, laughs, hugs and fantastic support.
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Here was the second blip. I felt a bit unwell at work one day so decided to drive home. On the way I nearly collapsed and my heart rate went through the roof. I pulled over and called an ambulance, got taken to hospital and was kept in for the night. Tests followed and nothing was found so it was put down to stress and anxiety. I was asked by a doctor in A&E, “Are you under any stress at the moment?” In response I said, “Err, well I've been coming out as gay recently.” “Are you happy about it?” he questioned further. “Yes, definitely”, was my reply. “Well I don't know what you're worried about then” he said. He's obviously not gay and has never come out! It had been the biggest roller-coaster of emotions I'd ever been on and the ride hasn't finished yet.
Since then things have calmed down a bit. I'm fully out of the closet in my private life and everyone in the village I live in knows. I've had a couple of one night stands, which in hindsight should probably not have happened, although they went a lot better than any with a girl. |
"I've been to a couple of gay clubs and had the best of times. I've been on a couple of dates through which have gone well but not amounted to anything and met some fantastic people who have become close friends. Still looking for Mr Right but definitely sure that he is a Mr!" |
I still haven't tackled coming out at work. It's a very 'blokey' atmosphere in structural steelwork engineering. Although I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem I am still hiding behind the 'it doesn't really have anything to do with my work life'. My private and work life do occasionally cross over, some things have been said on Facebook that are fairly obvious, and I have some colleagues as friends on there, but nothing has been said. I wouldn't deny it to anyone now, but at the same time I hardly see it's worth making some massive announcement. The way I look at is that I am still in the closet, but the door is open, waiting for someone to walk past and notice. The time will come, and when it does I'm not going to hide – I've done enough of that in my life. Secretly I'm looking forward to it, as the whole process has actually been fun, if a little stressful at times!
My advice to anyone in a similar position – take it slowly and think through properly, taking into account other people's feelings, but don't put it off forever. You may find yourself underwhelmed by the reaction of some people, not really bothered, but that's a good thing and a sign of the current times of how acceptable it is to be gay. Life outside the closet is so much more fun and fulfilling! Surround yourself with friends, and pick one to start with. Once you've started on the journey it feels better, and each step along the way better still. I've been very lucky in that I've had a great reaction from everyone, and despite your fears, you might find that you're in the same boat – you'll never know until you try.
I wish rucomingout had been around when I started on this journey. I was a couple of months too soon and spent hours searching the internet for other people's experiences of coming out, but hadn't really come up with anything of any use. I've enjoyed reading all of the stories and am amazed to find out there are other people in quite strikingly similar situations to me. Well done Wayne for a fantastic job with rucomingout.com!
Follow Dave on Twitter - @picky_bugger
My advice to anyone in a similar position – take it slowly and think through properly, taking into account other people's feelings, but don't put it off forever. You may find yourself underwhelmed by the reaction of some people, not really bothered, but that's a good thing and a sign of the current times of how acceptable it is to be gay. Life outside the closet is so much more fun and fulfilling! Surround yourself with friends, and pick one to start with. Once you've started on the journey it feels better, and each step along the way better still. I've been very lucky in that I've had a great reaction from everyone, and despite your fears, you might find that you're in the same boat – you'll never know until you try.
I wish rucomingout had been around when I started on this journey. I was a couple of months too soon and spent hours searching the internet for other people's experiences of coming out, but hadn't really come up with anything of any use. I've enjoyed reading all of the stories and am amazed to find out there are other people in quite strikingly similar situations to me. Well done Wayne for a fantastic job with rucomingout.com!
Follow Dave on Twitter - @picky_bugger
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