Dan | 20 | Manchester, England | Journalist
I think I realised I wasn’t like most boys my age when I was around 14. People were getting girlfriends and I just didn’t get the attraction. I didn’t even understand exactly what attraction was - I guess I just thought boys got with girls and that was that.
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"I first found myself being attracted to a guy when I watched one of the Star Wars movies. I thought Luke Skywalker was really good looking." (Yep, Mark Hamill. Don’t worry, my taste has changed since then.) This wasn’t what I was supposed to be feeling! Boys don’t like other boys, they like girls and that’s that. As time went by and as I ‘grew up’, more feelings came to surface as is natural, but I managed to keep everything bottled up until one fateful day in the MySpace era. It’s much easier to let people know things in the social networking age. MySpace had ‘bulletins’ where you could post a message to your entire friends list by simply writing it out and pressing one button. So there I was, feeling a sense of empowerment, tapping away on my keyboard and hovering over the ‘send’ button. I plucked up the courage and left-clicked. The messages of support came rolling in within minutes. |
Coming out to my family was a whole different matter. I’d heard some family members using the word ‘gay’ as a synonym for words such as stupid or annoying. I realise now that this isn’t uncommon and is used by people all over the world without any malice intended towards the gay community. However, at the time it really did nothing for my confidence and so coming out just didn’t seem like an option. However, in my mind it had to be done sooner rather than later.
I had many ideas. I was going on a school trip to America for a week and so I was going to write a letter and leave it under my mother’s pillow for her to read after I’d gone; a letter telling her about my sexuality. I’d know if she’d accepted me when I came back because she would either be waiting for me at the airport or there’d be no-one there to pick me up.
I had many ideas. I was going on a school trip to America for a week and so I was going to write a letter and leave it under my mother’s pillow for her to read after I’d gone; a letter telling her about my sexuality. I’d know if she’d accepted me when I came back because she would either be waiting for me at the airport or there’d be no-one there to pick me up.
"I wrote up the letter, but ultimately decided against this. I wanted to have the holiday of my dreams, not one where I’d be panicking about every single phone call from home."
So, the secrecy went on. I just didn’t know how to go about things. Looking back at this now this does seem a bit silly. Then one night whilst we were caravanning up in North Wales, my mother walked in before I fell asleep and sat on the edge of the mattress. “I know”, she said. I went cold. It felt as if my heart had stopped beating and I felt my face flush red. I knew what was coming but had to ask for clarification. She repeated herself and then said she knew that I was gay. She gave me the biggest hug she had ever given me and told me that everything was going to be alright.
She went on to explain that word had passed throughout my school and to a friend of my younger cousin, who had in turn told my cousin what had been said. My cousin then went to his mother (my auntie) and told her. He actually did me a big favour.
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My auntie rang my mum and told her what was being said in school. I don’t know what went through her head at that moment. She was probably upset that I didn’t feel I could tell her myself yet.
She got herself together and told the rest of my family for me before telling me that she knew! Everyone was first and foremost extremely supportive and secondly, proud. They still loved me for me and nothing had changed. "At that moment, in that dreary caravan in Wales, I felt a massive weight lift from my shoulders. It was over and it was perfect and it has been perfect ever since." My family are my rock and I know each and every one of them will be there for me if and when I need them. I’m lucky to have such supportive people in my life. Follow Dan on Twitter - @Danarazzi Check out Dan's blog - www.danarazzi.com |
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