Dan | 24 | North Carolina, USA | Chemist
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I pretty much knew since high school that I was gay. Maybe it was sooner, when I started thinking one of the boy Power Rangers was more my type. I wasn't all that concerned, being around four older masculine brothers I always assumed I was straight and these urges were just biological flukes. I did feel the pressure to woo a woman and even slept with one at the not-so-tender age of eighteen. That's when I pondered, "Hmmm I thought that was supposed to be enjoyable." Throughout college I still was never concerned with coming out to anyone as I was always so focused on my work. I didn't really have anyone fooled however, not that I was trying. "I realized that coming out isn't about shocking your closest friends and family, because the ones who are truly close to you already know. Coming out is about showing the world you're comfortable and confident in who you are." |
I always wondered, ‘when is the right to come out?’ My close friend told me I shouldn't worry about it until I found someone I loved enough to do it for. Then I met Kevin...
When I came out to my friends I wasn't worried about them not accepting me. If there was one thing I’ve learned throughout my life it was knowing who my friends are. I was more worried about them giving me crap for liking anime (which some of my friends still don't know). Was I worried about my older brothers and younger sister, super conservative father and step mother? Shit, yes I was.
My brother Mike, 25, happened to call me out. Mike is an intimidating fellow. He's 6'2, 275lbs, a bouncer who does body building for fun. We were drunk on thanksgiving eve and he noticed I was texting (perhaps sexting) a Kevin (my then and now boyfriend). He said, "Dan I know". I cry. He cries. Mike has been to jail almost half a dozen times so he explained, "You think being gay is a problem? I have real problems. I'm just glad if a man disrespects you I can confront them and not get in trouble." Oh and yes, my boyfriend Kevin gets a little shaken when Mike is around. It makes me smile!
When I came out to my friends I wasn't worried about them not accepting me. If there was one thing I’ve learned throughout my life it was knowing who my friends are. I was more worried about them giving me crap for liking anime (which some of my friends still don't know). Was I worried about my older brothers and younger sister, super conservative father and step mother? Shit, yes I was.
My brother Mike, 25, happened to call me out. Mike is an intimidating fellow. He's 6'2, 275lbs, a bouncer who does body building for fun. We were drunk on thanksgiving eve and he noticed I was texting (perhaps sexting) a Kevin (my then and now boyfriend). He said, "Dan I know". I cry. He cries. Mike has been to jail almost half a dozen times so he explained, "You think being gay is a problem? I have real problems. I'm just glad if a man disrespects you I can confront them and not get in trouble." Oh and yes, my boyfriend Kevin gets a little shaken when Mike is around. It makes me smile!
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A few months later I sat down with Ryan. He's 27, a chef at a trendy restaurant. I always respected him because he always knew who he was. Sure he's an on-the-scene hipster, but he never made an excuse for why or how he acted. I finally wanted that same thing so bad.
"Telling him I was gay barely broke conversation. He told me how great a person he saw me become on my own and he was looking forward to meeting my boyfriend." Next I told my stepmom, Jenny. I told her knowing she would tell the rest of my siblings (Whitney 23, Chris 26, and Tim 29). They live further away and Tim was in rehab, so I knew she would be on immediate speed dial afterwards which I was okay with (the dramatic one-on-ones with people start to get tiresome). So I chose a slightly unconventional way to tell my stepmom and dad. I used email. |
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I know it's not as personal but I know how my parents react and we have always communicated our thoughts through email. I also didn't want to leave anything out that I wanted to say. Emailing my stepmom about it was easier because I knew she was an open-minded woman and I knew I needed her as my cheerleader for when I told/emailed my dad the following night. She was thrilled. She loved that I could confide in her and I think she thinks it’s "hip" to have a gay son. Now she keeps inviting me and Kevin to bartend her parties....Awkward.
Telling my Dad was the hardest thing ever. He's a strong, conservative, close-minded, asshole... But I still wanted his acceptance and good graces. To make this easier here is the email I sent to him in July:
Telling my Dad was the hardest thing ever. He's a strong, conservative, close-minded, asshole... But I still wanted his acceptance and good graces. To make this easier here is the email I sent to him in July:
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Dad,
I just wanted to tell you something. It has been something I've wanted to tell you for years but I have been utterly afraid of your reaction. First of all I want to say, I am okay. Everything in my life is fine. I am actually the happiest I have ever been. I know you have helped me achieve this with your emotional and financial support over the years and I greatly appreciate it. I try to show you that appreciation through hard work and self sufficiency. I am also very grateful of the relationship we have developed over the past 6 years I have been in North Carolina and I am so scared to lose it. Dad, I'm gay. I've recently come to terms with it. I've tried not to be but I have realized it is not a choice and it is a part of who I am. I've wanted to tell you for so long. However, it seems like there is never a good time for me to come to you because there is always something going on with my other siblings. This is not a problem of mine. This is not something that has to be dealt with, but merely accepted. I know this is uncomfortable for you, but I needed to tell my dad. One of the reasons I worked so hard in school and work was the fear if you found out I would be shut out. That is my biggest fear. And my biggest regret is telling you through email. I still need you for support in my life that is why I have decided to tell you now. I know it may take time. I know you may need to wrap your head around the idea, but this isn't something that can be negotiated. I'm sorry if this is the thing you think of as "my problem". I assure you I have found so much love and support in the world where I realized being gay is not that big of a deal. Ryan and Mike both know and they have been very supportive. I just told Jenny about it and I have never felt so close to her or loved by her so much. I really hope you can still accept me as Danny... the kid of yours who is always doing fine and tries to keep the stress in your life to a minimum. I am doing so well and I truly feel like I am slowly figuring out what life is all about. Once again I'm sorry this had to be through email, but I didn't know any other way. I chose this way to tell you because I figured you may be angry or confused and would need time to think about it. Please talk to Jenny about it. Please talk to me about it. Not tonight but hopefully you’re willing to soon. I really would like to come with you guys to see Grandpa and Grandma on Labor Day. I will always look up to you for guidance even if you don't think I'm listening. I love you dad. Love Dan. |
We didn't talk for a month. When I finally called him it was bad and he said awful things. To quote a few:
"Dan, you know I never planned on having this many children."
"Parents have kids who are murderers, and they don't condone that lifestyle."
"If I were gay, you wouldn't be here."
"If you ever adopt kids, how will you love them?"
"Everyone who says they are okay with this are lying to you. They’re afraid to tell you the truth."
"You say this isn't negotiable? This is very f*****g negotiable for me."
"Dan, you know I never planned on having this many children."
"Parents have kids who are murderers, and they don't condone that lifestyle."
"If I were gay, you wouldn't be here."
"If you ever adopt kids, how will you love them?"
"Everyone who says they are okay with this are lying to you. They’re afraid to tell you the truth."
"You say this isn't negotiable? This is very f*****g negotiable for me."
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It was awful what he said. I know. I obviously didn't forget the words used. He apologized but that doesn't make it right. I don't know if I'll ever be as close with him. It's been months but my dad just visited my and Kevin's apartment last week. Even took us to lunch a few weeks back. No situation will be perfect. It's not for anyone else. It's for you. "I am now truly the happiest I have ever been. Follow Dan on Twitter - @dbates2 |
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