Dan | 31 | Hastings, England | Musician
"I grew up in the 1980s when HIV and Aids had become a playground scaremongering goldmine and kids had really begun to point at one another and pejoratively called them gay."While growing up in this environment I never considered myself gay. I didn’t really consider myself anything, but I remember vividly that I’d follow certain guys around; I must have been about eight years old. I didn’t know why I wanted to be around them but I just did. When primary then secondary school had ended I slowly got the idea that I wasn’t attracted to women in the slightest. I may have had juvenile relationships but they were just friendships-with-hand-holding more than anything else. It was just something that was expected of you, to have girlfriends. I remember kissing one girlfriend and afterwards she said, “That meant absolutely nothing to you, did it?” “Nope", I replied. I think it was taken as me being aloof rather than me being gay, since I grew up with a certain level of detachment from the people around me. I was very cold and logical and I now, with hindsight, put that down to the disconnection between myself and my sexuality. I knew I should have been feeling something for these girls, but I just wasn’t. |
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College was, for me, like emerging into a new life; the more adult environment meant I could grow and fulfil a greater potential than I ever could at school. On top of that, the boys were far, far cuter and after falling into a friendship group with whom I felt comfortable, I made the decision to come out. Enough time had passed, I thought, that I was comfortable with this secret part of me and so everyone else should be too.
Out of respect, the first person I told was my mum. But when it came down to it, the words just didn’t come out, ironically. I told her that I had been keeping a secret and that she had to guess what it was. And she did after a few minutes with some guidance from me. “Oh, I know that!” That was her response. She already knew. I must have been glowing with it or something, though I’m not at all effeminate or anything, but my mum’s quite astute where people are concerned. “You could have told me!”, I said. She said that she didn’t want to be seen to be influencing me at all, but pretty much always knew.
Out of respect, the first person I told was my mum. But when it came down to it, the words just didn’t come out, ironically. I told her that I had been keeping a secret and that she had to guess what it was. And she did after a few minutes with some guidance from me. “Oh, I know that!” That was her response. She already knew. I must have been glowing with it or something, though I’m not at all effeminate or anything, but my mum’s quite astute where people are concerned. “You could have told me!”, I said. She said that she didn’t want to be seen to be influencing me at all, but pretty much always knew.
"From then on, telling people was easy and I couldn’t do it enough. I went into college the following morning and told as many people as I possibly could, without getting creepy!" |
The weight of it all lifting from my mind was a truly amazing feeling and one that I’ll never forget. I stopped being so cold and warmed to everyone, being the most open and honest I could be. I’d spent 18 years of my life lying and I wasn’t going to be doing that any more. I didn’t get any real negativity from coming out, I’m happy to report. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but there was a huge amount of support from my friends and family and while I expected support from these people, I was surprised about just how much they cared, congratulated me and respected me for being honest with them. They even understood why I kept it quiet for so long. |
About eighteen months after coming out I met a guy called Tommy who I stayed in a relationship with for nine years, entering into a civil partnership in 2006. We split up at the end of 2008 and I’m now in a relationship with a very beautiful person whose fierce intelligence I admire, whose kind heart I adore and who makes me outstandingly happy.
Coming out is an integral part of growing up for any person of alternative sexuality and if there’s anything I’ve taken away from it, it’s that you’ll only regret the things you never do and that there’s nothing more rewarding than following your dreams. To that end, I’m now working full-time on writing and producing music, having created remixes for Kings of Leon and Shakespears Sister, released nine of my own albums on iTunes and other digital music stores and I’m getting into playing live gigs.
"The world is our playground and our time here is far too short and
improbable to let archaic views on gender and sexuality prevent
us from doing what we really want to do."
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