Cody | 22 | Ontario, Canada | High School Teacher
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It’s more than just a decision. It’s an impulse. I had known I was gay since I was able to view men in a sexual light but I wasn’t always accepting of that fact. It’s a tough journey to reach the point of self-acceptance and extend it to put yourself out there for the judgement of others. For me, high school was hell. Living in a small town, people aren’t particularly open-minded to insecurities. Hanging out with a bunch of guys means phrases like “you’re so gay” and “stop being such a faggot” get thrown around quite frequently. If only they knew how much they could be affecting those closest to them. So of course you begin to censor yourself to throw off suspicion. Incidentally, I tried to overcome the fact I was gay. I dated girls and tried to envision my desire for a future as a husband and father making it worthwhile. I legitimately shared emotions for the girls I had dated but something had always been missing and I knew that living a double life was impossible for the rest of my life. But the problem was mostly circular. Nobody wants to be isolated so nobody came out and because nobody was out, you couldn’t take the first step without facing isolation. "There was only one 'out' gay kid in my graduating class and I’m ashamed to say it wasn’t me." |
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Once I had finished high school, university became the next chapter of my life. I attended a school in a new bigger city with none of the friends I had spent the most formative years of my life with. Because I needed a change. Within my first few days of making new friends, I realized just how happy I could be when I wasn’t afraid of acting like my normal self. As time passed and I secretly explored the sexual side of my double life, I began to recognize more of what I wanted as a person. I simply woke up one day and realized that I wanted to tell someone. It wasn’t any overt epiphany where I ran into the arms of my soul mate. It was simply a feeling I had one day knowing I was ready.
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Needless to say, I chose the cute boy I had become very good friends with that year on my residence floor. After a long night of casual drinking, bonding and serious conversation, I spilled it. “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”
It took about 5 minutes to choke out after his positive response to the question but I had done it. He was really happy I had told him and we spent the late hours of the night talking about it. He wasn’t gay but it didn’t matter. "In that moment, I knew I had a friend I could hold onto. Many tears were shed on my part. Not because I was sad but because I was so relieved I could finally share such a significant part of my life with someone. I knew someone was there who could try to help me through things." |
As the year came to a close, it was time to return home for the summer. The next four months were spent coming out to four of my closest friends one by one. As we continued spending every night together, I became more comfortable discussing the topic with people. And then I returned to school with a new confidence. But nothing could prepare me for the sink or swim moment that came next. As you progress in your coming out by counting those who know one by one, the worst that can happen is losing that safety net you’ve been using as you test the waters. That New Years Eve, I was shocked to find that everyone at the house party somehow knew already. Needless to say, it was like something out of a movie, screaming at my best friend in the bathroom during the final seconds of 2009. I felt betrayed, hurt and embarrassed.
In retrospect, I regret nothing. Because I didn’t sink. I swam. Suddenly, there was nothing else to worry about. The worst had already happened so all I could do at this point was embrace who I was with confidence to prepare myself for anything anyone was ready to dish out. But they didn’t. Something about a person being confident in who they are is terrifying to people. Everyone has insecurities. They might not be gay but to see someone who should be more afraid than them with more acceptance of their faults or differences, there is nothing that they can throw at you which can hurt you anymore. “You’re gay.” “Yeah, so what?” It’s important to note that I didn’t change who I was in any capacity. I remained the same old guy they all had become friends with; ambitious, nerdy, funny. The only difference was that they saw me as truthful and someone who trusts them enough to share an important part of my life.
And so, it brings us to where I am today. I spent the third and fourth years of my university career fully owning up to who I was with complete confidence. I started and ended relationships but it started me down the path to understanding who I am and the logical steps toward becoming a mature adult in society.
In retrospect, I regret nothing. Because I didn’t sink. I swam. Suddenly, there was nothing else to worry about. The worst had already happened so all I could do at this point was embrace who I was with confidence to prepare myself for anything anyone was ready to dish out. But they didn’t. Something about a person being confident in who they are is terrifying to people. Everyone has insecurities. They might not be gay but to see someone who should be more afraid than them with more acceptance of their faults or differences, there is nothing that they can throw at you which can hurt you anymore. “You’re gay.” “Yeah, so what?” It’s important to note that I didn’t change who I was in any capacity. I remained the same old guy they all had become friends with; ambitious, nerdy, funny. The only difference was that they saw me as truthful and someone who trusts them enough to share an important part of my life.
And so, it brings us to where I am today. I spent the third and fourth years of my university career fully owning up to who I was with complete confidence. I started and ended relationships but it started me down the path to understanding who I am and the logical steps toward becoming a mature adult in society.
"These days, I’m studying to become a high A certain level of discretion is, of course, encouraged among teachers – particularly in the Catholic School Board I intend to teach in. And one might argue that publishing an article like this for the world to see could easily come back to bite me one day because of that. But, in all honesty, I think it’s a risk worth taking. I hope that one of my future students finds this one day so that they can understand just how significant this issue is. To those students or any other students who may find themselves reading this, I wish to leave you with this message:
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“I can empathize with you. Despite the cliché, it does in fact get better. It may get worse before it gets there
but it does eventually get there. Don’t rush into doing anything you’re not ready to do but just know that there
will always be people there for you to talk to and help you understand that what you’re going through is
completely normal. You might be content now, but just remember that you can be happy one day too.”
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