Carl | 28 | Nottingham, UK | Customer Service Specialist
After reading most of the stories on this website I think it’s about time I told mine. Even if it helps one person to be brave enough to come out or to help friends and family of a person who is out to understand what they are going through it's all worth it. I didn’t get a eureka moment when I knew I was gay. I didn’t know what gay was; growing up in a little village and not knowing a single gay person. My parents saw being gay as bad, wrong and something to be repulsed at. My story is of a gradual realisation. It's taken me a long time to accept myself but now I am happier than I have ever been!
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I knew I was different to every other boy at school. By the time I was 14 or 15 they were discovering girls and kissing them; I on the other hand wasn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t like girls. I liked a few girls and even got really shy or nervous around them, blushing when a pretty one used to talk to me. No one really questioned me too much. I was simply a shy and quiet boy. To be honest I wasn’t noticed very much at all which suited me down to the ground!
The bullies were there of course ready to call me gay and other names but thankfully that didn’t last. What I did have though was a group of friends that I was close to and we had lots fun. Spending time in our own little world was how I got through my school life. I spent my time laughing and having a good time never really thinking about girls. I just remember it being fun and a lot of laughing at inside jokes and funny stories. Looking back now I think I tried to be funny so I wouldn’t get questioned or so no one would get too close to me. "I don’t know exactly when I first realised that I liked guys but I think I was in my early 20s."
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By this time I had had a few girlfriends but none longer than a month or so. I remember talking to a guy on the Internet and then agreed to meet up for a drink. I made sure I met him away from where I lived so no one saw me! After a few times of meeting up we kissed and to me it just felt right. It was what I had been missing!
"It’s funny what you remember and what you seem to
forget about really important moments in your life.
I don’t recall his name or what he looked like but I remember
his stubble scratching me and tickling my lip.
I remember his aftershave."
Needless to say this person helped me but I knew this would never be a person who I would be in a relationship with. After this experience I went back to my shy and quiet life and tried to ignore what was happening to me. I didn’t kiss another man until a few years later, it was New Years Eve and I was in a relationship with a girl from where I worked. I got drunk and started kissing a gay roommate. This was another nail in my straight coffin! My memory seems a bit blurred until a few years later. I didn’t have gay friends then and didn’t even go to any gay bars to make any friends. I still was very much in the closet and still had hopes of the beautiful wife, 2.4 children and the school run but they were fading fast!
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The only person I could talk to about this was my sister. I spoke to her about guys and the feelings I had towards them. I had bottled these feelings up for so long that I just started to cry. She hugged me and told me that I was still her brother and she loved me no matter what and would always be there to support me. I felt so much better and went on with my life for a few more years without too many major changes.
I started to gain gay friends but I still hadn’t told anyone about my own realisation that I was gay myself. Then one night at the pub I got drunk and on the walk home I blurted out that I liked guys. The love and support I felt from my friends was a brilliant feeling and I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t down to the alcohol! "From then on I let other people in to my life, let them see the real me and have never looked back."
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I can honestly say that I have never really received any negative reaction regarding my sexuality.
Last year I met my boyfriend and we are now living together and I am happier than I ever thought possible. He has made my life and state of mind what it is now and I will never be able to thank him enough for that.
My family have also been mostly positive. My 12 year old niece thinks it’s cool to have a gay uncle and my nephew is just glad that I’m with someone who loves Lego as much as he does. He doesn’t care that it’s a man!
Not all of my family know that I’m gay but not because I actively hide it from them. I’m not a person that will be publicise my private life when I don’t need to which is why writing this has been difficult for me! I took the step to do so though because I think it’s important to share my experience. If my story helps just one person to be brave then I’ll be happy.
It wasn’t all plain sailing for me. Both my parents had surprising reactions. My mum, who I thought would be at least OK with it completely shut down and refused to talk to me for a while. Even now she doesn’t talk about it to me or ask questions about my boyfriend. Having said that I think a lot of it is to do with her not really knowing what to say.
My dad on the other hand told me that he loved me no matter what and I could always talk to him about anything. I thought his reaction would be to disown me and never speak to me again. He was honest and did tell me that he wished that things could be different so I didn’t have to go through life having a hard time from people but life is always going to be hard no matter what your sexual preference. His advice was that we have to leave the people who do not accept us behind and surround ourselves with people who love and care for us.
Follow Carl on Twitter - @CarlStark
Last year I met my boyfriend and we are now living together and I am happier than I ever thought possible. He has made my life and state of mind what it is now and I will never be able to thank him enough for that.
My family have also been mostly positive. My 12 year old niece thinks it’s cool to have a gay uncle and my nephew is just glad that I’m with someone who loves Lego as much as he does. He doesn’t care that it’s a man!
Not all of my family know that I’m gay but not because I actively hide it from them. I’m not a person that will be publicise my private life when I don’t need to which is why writing this has been difficult for me! I took the step to do so though because I think it’s important to share my experience. If my story helps just one person to be brave then I’ll be happy.
It wasn’t all plain sailing for me. Both my parents had surprising reactions. My mum, who I thought would be at least OK with it completely shut down and refused to talk to me for a while. Even now she doesn’t talk about it to me or ask questions about my boyfriend. Having said that I think a lot of it is to do with her not really knowing what to say.
My dad on the other hand told me that he loved me no matter what and I could always talk to him about anything. I thought his reaction would be to disown me and never speak to me again. He was honest and did tell me that he wished that things could be different so I didn’t have to go through life having a hard time from people but life is always going to be hard no matter what your sexual preference. His advice was that we have to leave the people who do not accept us behind and surround ourselves with people who love and care for us.
Follow Carl on Twitter - @CarlStark
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