Cairn | 21 | Special Sergeant / LGBT Project Liaison Officer | Carmarthenshire, Wales
|
Coming out is said to be one of the most pivotal moments in the life of any Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or transgender person.
I've heard many gay men say the same, they always knew they were different from the other boys when they were younger they just didn't quite understand how. I too remember that feeling when I was about 9 or 10 years old but it wasn't really until I went up to the 'Big School' the local comprehensive that I started to realise how I was different. When I first started in year 7 I heard a new offensive word or insult that was used on a fairly regular basis but at first I wasn't sure what it meant... gay or Gay Boy, but somehow it sounded familiar, where had I heard it before? All I knew at the time was that I didn't want to be 'a gay'. It took a while but it started a few years before, I was with my Daddy as I call him. A 6ft, 17st Prison Officer and dog handler, probably as butch and a strong person you could meet. I idolised my dad, he was everything I wanted to grow up to be. We were driving to Llanelli one of the local towns when we were stuck in traffic near some lights at a roundabout... When out of the blue my dad started to rant and rave about something. This memory has always stuck in my mind and his words were, "f**king queers, look at them bloody gays!” He had briefly looked into his rear view mirror and saw the male passenger in the car behind us lean over to kiss the male driver. He told me that as long as I never turned out to be one of those gays then he'd always be proud of me. I didn't quite understand at the time I was only about 9, but all I knew was that I didn't want to be one of them! |
That was it... That's where I had heard it before, well it was obviously a bad thing and I didn't want to be one. Then we had P.E lessons and those sweaty and smelly changing rooms. That is where I started to notice that I felt a bit uncomfortable; the reason was is because I was trying not to look. I was starting to get different feelings and that's when I started to realise the reason I didn't feel like all the other boys was because I liked the other boys. I was gay, why me? I tried to convince myself I wasn't, I tried to suppress all those feeling and thoughts in the hope that they would go away, well as I grew up a little bit and started to become a teenager this became difficult and to make it even worse my parents went through a very nasty divorce.
I stayed with my Mother, like a proper little mummy's boy, and my older sister stayed with my father. I was finding it difficult to convince myself that I was straight and all of sudden I gave in and admitted it to myself, I wasn't happy about it but I had other problems... I was becoming a grumpy teenager and I couldn't hide it from myself and everyone else and try and stay sane. Somehow living with my mother I just felt more comfortable with myself but I still tried to keep up the charade of my heterosexuality mainly with the use of Rachel Stevens posters (the one from S Club 7).
I stayed with my Mother, like a proper little mummy's boy, and my older sister stayed with my father. I was finding it difficult to convince myself that I was straight and all of sudden I gave in and admitted it to myself, I wasn't happy about it but I had other problems... I was becoming a grumpy teenager and I couldn't hide it from myself and everyone else and try and stay sane. Somehow living with my mother I just felt more comfortable with myself but I still tried to keep up the charade of my heterosexuality mainly with the use of Rachel Stevens posters (the one from S Club 7).
|
"When I turned 14 I discovered various dating and meeting sites on the Internet. In hindsight I can see how dangerous this was at that age and even more so as I wasn't telling anyone what I was doing."I was meeting strangers all the same age give or take a year or so and putting myself at risk by doing so. Though I made some very good friends, some of whom I'm still in contact with today seven years on. I was so naive but that was how I met my first boyfriend and after a few months together I had to tell one of my closest friends; he gave me a massive hug and together we told all my friends. I have never been hugged so much by so many people in one day ever since. They were fantastic and I owe that close friend so much for his help and support on that day. Eventually the entire school knew and for the rest of my time in compulsory education I never had a problem. Of course had the occasional "gay boy" or similar comment shouted at me by younger kids, to which I replied "yes and?" which normally shut them up. |
One day my 18 year old sister came over to stay with us at my mother’s house and found a picture of me and my first boyfriend, and in her ever insightful tone said "ooh your friend looks gay... Eh?" and without giving myself a chance to think at what's was saying, I had replied "well I should hope my boyfriend is gay"
Oh no, I thought my entire world was crumbling beneath me, what had I said? My life was most certainly over. My dad will kill me!
My sister was like a kid at Christmas, she was so happy - "Can I go tell Mammy?" - but before I had a chance to reply she was half way down the stairs. When I heard two pairs of feet climbing the stairs I just froze. My loving mother asked me if it was true and told me that she loved me anyway and always would, it didn't change anything and I would always be her son. She said she didn't care if I was gay... But I know my mother so well, I could tell she cared; she was more scared than I was. She always tried to support me as much as she could but I will never forgive her for what she did that day, she asked if she could tell my father, I made it very clear that the answer was No! The first opportunity she had, she was on the phone! I wasn't ready to tell the man that was so homophobic when I was young, the one man I wanted to be proud of me and I felt that I had let him down... It was too late I had the phone given to me and my father asked me if it was just a phase and then proceeded to tell me the same as my mother but I could tell by the sound of his voice, he was angry and disappointed.
Oh no, I thought my entire world was crumbling beneath me, what had I said? My life was most certainly over. My dad will kill me!
My sister was like a kid at Christmas, she was so happy - "Can I go tell Mammy?" - but before I had a chance to reply she was half way down the stairs. When I heard two pairs of feet climbing the stairs I just froze. My loving mother asked me if it was true and told me that she loved me anyway and always would, it didn't change anything and I would always be her son. She said she didn't care if I was gay... But I know my mother so well, I could tell she cared; she was more scared than I was. She always tried to support me as much as she could but I will never forgive her for what she did that day, she asked if she could tell my father, I made it very clear that the answer was No! The first opportunity she had, she was on the phone! I wasn't ready to tell the man that was so homophobic when I was young, the one man I wanted to be proud of me and I felt that I had let him down... It was too late I had the phone given to me and my father asked me if it was just a phase and then proceeded to tell me the same as my mother but I could tell by the sound of his voice, he was angry and disappointed.
"That was such a horrible day. I was always told you feel so much
better after coming out, it felt nothing like when I came out to my friends,
the atmosphere was completely different."
|
The following day things were a bit tense, but once everyone got their questions out of the way it became easier, everyone has the same questions and it becomes easier and easier. I felt on top of the world I wanted to climb on to the rooftop and shout it to the world. There were two family members that were so supportive and still are to this day, my cousin who came out at the same time as me, but was 40, and then surprisingly, my 70 year old grandmother. They were also a great support to my parents and I'm so grateful for everything that they did for me. Sixth form started so well for me, made so many new friends and I really started to see where I wanted to go with my life, but everything started to change for me in October of 2008. We had sixth form parties a few times per term and this one we had to go as something that started with the first letter of our names; I went as a catalogue (Argos to be precise). My best friend and I were staying sober so that we could get some decent photos for the year book and sixth form video, and two of the sixth formers in their drunken state decided that I was a gay boy that needed teaching a lesson for some reason. Luckily I was able to defend myself and I informed my friends I was leaving before it got even worse. I was persuaded to report the attempted attack to the police but it was brushed under the carpet and the boys were spoken to by a Police Constable and the school. That was to be the end of that...Until November the 8th 2008. |
|
It was 5pm on a Saturday and I was walking home from the bus station after work, when I saw someone I recognised from school so I smiled politely and carried on walking. Have you ever had that feeling when you think someone's following you? This time my mind wasn't playing tricks on me, however I thought all was well as I knew him, that was until I got to the railway crossing, held open the gate and uttered those two regrettable words "after you". It was then that he grabbed me and without going in to too much detail, he beat me.
"I suffered a severely displaced and broken nose, abrasions to my face
and head, two black eyes and I required surgery to realign my nose."
His words throughout the attack were "I'll kill you, you gay bastard, don't you touch my friends gay boy."
This all happened in front of thre members of the public who watched yet did nothing. I ran to the police station. I was able to identify my attacker and he was arrested, charged, cautioned for an assault which was motivated by hate or homophobia.
I felt so let down by the system, but to be fair to the police they realised it was dealt with incorrectly and apologised and set about to change how they dealt with such incidents. This was when they introduced the Hate Crime Support Officer scheme; officers specifically trained to deal with hate crime.
I didn't want those homophobic bullies to win, I wasn't going to be beaten that easily.
|
With this new scheme in place and after discussing the incident with local Gay officers, my best friend and I decided to create an LGBT social and support group to try and help the Gay community in our area and support victims of similar incidents and crimes. This group 'Gay Ammanford' was officially opened in March 2009 and is still going from strength to strength. Later that year I was attested as a Special Constable, a volunteer police officer, I made a promise to myself that I would do my best in the office of constable and in Gay Ammanford to make sure this didn't happen to anyone else, no one should have to go through what I did... Though I wouldn't change a thing because it has all made me who I am today. My cousin once told me that 'those that mind, don't matter and those that matter, don't mind'. This year, whilst on duty, my attacker approached me to apologise and shook my hand, and I thanked him... For his apology AND for the attack. I grew up a lot because of him and that attack spurred me on to achieve so much. I refused to let the bullies drag me down; instead I rose above it and "Came Out" on top! Follow Cairn on Twitter - @gayammanford www.gayammanford.com [email protected] |
|
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...
