Bruce | 46 | Ottawa, Canada
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Out, In The Middle - My Coming Out StoryFrom what I have learned, most stories about Coming Out seem to have at least a few similarities. There is silent struggle (often several years long) followed by an event (or a revelatory moment) when that individual finally realizes that he owes it to himself to be honest about who he is. He wants the people he loves the most to be closer. He wants to share his love...fully and completely.
Usually, it is the fear of the unknown that has kept him closeted. Will he be rejected by his friends? His family? Will it affect his work environment? Will he actually feel better, emotionally? Who will he tell first? Then he Comes Out. Maybe he tells a best friend. Or his mother. Or sister. Perhaps he opens up to his therapist or a coworker. In most cases, a huge sense of relief follows. HUGE. Sometimes, he loses a friend or two...(but often, the truest friends find their way back, and enjoy a closer-than-ever bond.) |
It seemed like an eternity that my inner voice was screaming: “Could somebody please open the closet door?” Seriously, if someone would just have asked: “...by the way...are you gay?”, it would have been so much easier. Or so I thought. It had been a long, long time since anyone had asked me that question. Of course, twenty years ago (or ten...or five...) my answer was always a very sturdy “no...are you kidding me?” followed by a session of anxiety and heartburn. Every late July (as my birthday dinner ended) I would wait for that blow-out-your-candles moment when I was supposed to make a wish for something special. I would always wish for the same thing...I wished that I could open that damned door.
Fact: I grew up afraid of myself.
I was a sensitive, quiet, artistic boy, surrounded by a loving family. And I was never comfortable in my own shoes. I knew I was gay long before high school. When I was 10, kids already assumed I was gay. I was teased a lot because I figure skated with my sisters. Talk about a cliche. I had no real idea what “gay” was...but somehow I knew that I was unlike most of the other boys around me. I played hockey and hated it. I felt like a fish out of water whenever I was in a team environment. I was called a fag because I preferred to talk to the girls in grade school.
Fact: I grew up afraid of myself.
I was a sensitive, quiet, artistic boy, surrounded by a loving family. And I was never comfortable in my own shoes. I knew I was gay long before high school. When I was 10, kids already assumed I was gay. I was teased a lot because I figure skated with my sisters. Talk about a cliche. I had no real idea what “gay” was...but somehow I knew that I was unlike most of the other boys around me. I played hockey and hated it. I felt like a fish out of water whenever I was in a team environment. I was called a fag because I preferred to talk to the girls in grade school.
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The term “sissy” was thrown around. Gym class was a nightmare. I did not excel at “boy’s” sports. I was told I threw like a girl...even in high school. I learned that the word “faggot” was a common one in the locker room. I grew to hate myself, deep down. There were a number of times in high school when girls showed an interest in me. One girl tried over and over to get me to “go steady” with her. I came up with the most ridiculous excuses to avoid going to parties and dances with her. Her feelings were hurt, and I felt so awful. She stopped talking to me altogether. Another very popular, attractive girl wrote in my yearbook that I was an “enigma” to her...She wanted me close, but just could not understand why I would decline her advances. I kept wondering if I might eventually “turn straight”.
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"In my “gut”, I liked guys. I was
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University was bad. Looking back, I wasn’t ready for an extra layer of loneliness, especially when I was already a nervous wreck inside. To make matters worse, my roommate was the classic jock douche bag (another ridiculous cliche) He was a big, popular, handsome, muscular homophobe. At a time when most students seemed to be enjoying their campus social lives, I could hardly bear the feeling of isolation. There were only a handful of “queers” in residence, and everyone hated them. I was 20 years old and the thought of living a “gay” life seemed like it would be the most horrible thing any person could do.
Hiding the fact that I was gay in the mid-1980’s seemed like a no-brainer back then. The whole AIDS scare a.k.a. the new “gay-man’s disease” seemed to me like a message from above saying: “you are a horrible freakish person who deserves to die”...I think I convinced myself that I could never be happy and that if I ever admitted to being gay, I would be this big, shameful disappointment to my family.
Hiding the fact that I was gay in the mid-1980’s seemed like a no-brainer back then. The whole AIDS scare a.k.a. the new “gay-man’s disease” seemed to me like a message from above saying: “you are a horrible freakish person who deserves to die”...I think I convinced myself that I could never be happy and that if I ever admitted to being gay, I would be this big, shameful disappointment to my family.
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One of my high school friends Came Out to me in an email about ten years ago. I sent him a response letting him know that I supported him, no matter what. At the same time, I felt pathetic about not having the courage to tell him that I, too, was gay. He still doesn’t know.
Another friend (who I had worked with for over a decade) somehow managed to Come Out to everyone else except me. We had spent a lot of time together...concerts and movies, mostly...He now has a great job and lives with his long-term partner and travels all over the world. I admire him. He is very out; very proud. The summer before last, he held a barbecue in his backyard, and I was invited. I knew that the party would include many gay men. It turned out that everyone at the party was gay! And I felt almost honored to be there. My friend obviously knew that I was gay (regardless of the fact that I had never told him so). |
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"The hardest part for me was the fact that I still felt like a liar, inside...
Because I still was hiding my true self to everyone."
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On a personal level, this has been a tough year...Wait...Truth be told, this has been a very tough decade.
When I was in my thirties, I was fortunate to have the companionship of a big, wonderful, lumbering Newfoundland dog named Ben. For ten years, he was my soulmate. I am not exaggerating when I say that I poured all of my time and energy into loving him. |
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Ben and I were linked; we could read each other’s thoughts. He filled a void...and I loved him for it. I had absolutely no social life outside my immediate family. When he passed, I suffered a sense of loss that most people feel when they lose a loved one...Your immediate family is there to lean on...but you wonder if you will ever experience that incredible level of companionship in your life, one day.
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When I turned forty, I recall thinking to myself: “Bruce...you haven’t changed a bit. Your world is getting smaller. You are not evolving, and it’s your own damned fault.” All true. My brain felt empty and under stimulated. Every day was exactly the same: Wake. Eat. Work. Watch TV. Sleep. Repeat. Period.
A few years ago, my psychiatrist managed to get me to admit that I was gay. The ridiculous part?...she has been my “therapist” for many years and I had been dishonest with her, too. I used to tell her that I was not interested in relationships because I wanted to be “successful” first. I would blame my sadness on my struggles with diabetes or on my lack of a planned “career”. Or I would say that I wanted to wait until I was an “established artist”. She finally asked me, directly: “What is your sexual orientation?”...and somehow, after some awkward mumbling and with my eyes filling with tears, I responded that I was attracted to men...still managing not to use the word “gay”. She wanted to know why I found it so hard to say the words out loud. Over a year later I was still having difficulty vocalizing my thoughts on the subject, with her. But there was a new comfort for me during our meetings. Because she was the only person in the world who I was “out” to. And after so many years of seeing her, I was able to leave her office feeling something had been accomplished. A little sigh of relief.
A few years ago, my psychiatrist managed to get me to admit that I was gay. The ridiculous part?...she has been my “therapist” for many years and I had been dishonest with her, too. I used to tell her that I was not interested in relationships because I wanted to be “successful” first. I would blame my sadness on my struggles with diabetes or on my lack of a planned “career”. Or I would say that I wanted to wait until I was an “established artist”. She finally asked me, directly: “What is your sexual orientation?”...and somehow, after some awkward mumbling and with my eyes filling with tears, I responded that I was attracted to men...still managing not to use the word “gay”. She wanted to know why I found it so hard to say the words out loud. Over a year later I was still having difficulty vocalizing my thoughts on the subject, with her. But there was a new comfort for me during our meetings. Because she was the only person in the world who I was “out” to. And after so many years of seeing her, I was able to leave her office feeling something had been accomplished. A little sigh of relief.
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However...I was still in a rut. I was depressed and angry most of the time. I ran into some serious problems with my vision and I understood that there was the possibility that I might lose my eyesight. And with my art work and photography as my only two viable talents, I wondered: Is this some kind of cruel joke?
Last year I experienced a bit of a revelation. Rather than waiting around for disaster to strike, I spent hundreds of hours, late at night, searching the internet, trying to uncover at least a “spark” of some new hope. I wanted to find courage. I started keeping a personal journal, surprising myself with the odd flashes of insight that ensued. I wrote a lot and noticed just how therapeutic the process can be. I had taken one big step forward. And I found courage, when I least expected it.
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Self-described “Writer, Champion For Gays, Idealist Without Illusions”, Jordan Bach is already a star, in the truest sense of what a star should be...shining brightly while illuminating the paths of those who follow. His writing shows a wise maturity far beyond his 25 years. His Twitter posts often rival fine poetry, while still being current and memorable. His blog, “The Bach Book” is like a gay man’s impressionist painting of ideas, mixed with Love, Hope and Dignity. And you need not be a religious person to relate to his comments on all things “Divine”.
During my search, I stumbled upon a few “tweets” from Jordan and I found something in their tone to be exactly what I needed to hear. The words were powerful, but not noisy. There was a calmness to them, and a level of poetic truth that I never dreamed of finding on Twitter...or anywhere else.
So I took a closer look at all of Jordan’s blog entries, carefully reading every word that he had written...including the scores of quotes from his “quote file” that beautifully complement his own writing. Quotes from Walt Whitman, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Rumi, Alice Walker, James Baldwin, Osho, Carl Jung...and many more. By the time I was finished reading, I felt as though I had been hugged by someone who completely understood me. And I was crying...but with a huge sense of relief. A locked door had finally blown open.
When someone learns to communicate big ideas, without ever sounding “preachy”, then he has become more than just a writer. There is no question that Jordan Bach is destined for greatness. As far as I am concerned, he is already there. Without a doubt he will find fame, although he doesn’t come across as a person who needs it. His Facebook page already boasts thousands of subscribers. And just last month he posted a wonderful YouTube video (his very first) entitled “God Loves Gays”, displaying his strong, confident voice and movie-star looks. It was like watching a seasoned news anchor discussing spirituality and gay issues from the perspective of someone who actually “walks the walk”.
During my search, I stumbled upon a few “tweets” from Jordan and I found something in their tone to be exactly what I needed to hear. The words were powerful, but not noisy. There was a calmness to them, and a level of poetic truth that I never dreamed of finding on Twitter...or anywhere else.
So I took a closer look at all of Jordan’s blog entries, carefully reading every word that he had written...including the scores of quotes from his “quote file” that beautifully complement his own writing. Quotes from Walt Whitman, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Rumi, Alice Walker, James Baldwin, Osho, Carl Jung...and many more. By the time I was finished reading, I felt as though I had been hugged by someone who completely understood me. And I was crying...but with a huge sense of relief. A locked door had finally blown open.
When someone learns to communicate big ideas, without ever sounding “preachy”, then he has become more than just a writer. There is no question that Jordan Bach is destined for greatness. As far as I am concerned, he is already there. Without a doubt he will find fame, although he doesn’t come across as a person who needs it. His Facebook page already boasts thousands of subscribers. And just last month he posted a wonderful YouTube video (his very first) entitled “God Loves Gays”, displaying his strong, confident voice and movie-star looks. It was like watching a seasoned news anchor discussing spirituality and gay issues from the perspective of someone who actually “walks the walk”.
"His words have made
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I am so envious of guys in their twenties (and even their thirties) who are enjoying their lives as out, proud men...while they are still young.
I would do anything to turn back the clock and try this all differently. But I figure it’s still better to be Coming Out in my forties than waiting until my fifties or sixties...or...never at all. |
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"As of March 2012, at the age of 46, I finally CAME OUT."I created my own blog, and published a series of entries, starting with a “Thank You Ode” to Jordan Bach, which he graciously shared with thousands of his followers online. I was elated...happier inside than I ever thought possible. I could feel my confidence growing. The truth was out there (at least in cyberspace).
Just after midnight, a few weeks later, I sent a message to all my friends on Facebook, containing a link to my blog. I was feeling emotionally drained about taking that somewhat impersonal path, but when I hit the “send” button, what followed was a deep sense of calm. I sat back and waited...hoping that anyone out there would respond to my “big reveal”. By morning, (after a sleepless night) I had received a whole array of replies from friends...and it was hard for me to read through my tears. Every message was filled with words of encouragement and kindness. I was unprepared for the emotions, but I should have known. My family members--Mom, Dad and two sisters--have been wonderful. They have all reaffirmed their love for me. I can feel it! We can be closer, now. I chose to tell my younger sister, first. She told me how proud of me she is, and that she always knew I was gay. The next evening, I told my Mom that I had something very important to say...and that it was about honesty. She knew that I was going to tell her something “big”...I could tell by the concerned expression on her face. I started to cry and said: “I have been unhappy for so long...because I have been hiding the fact that I am gay.” Her first words were: “Bruce, I am not surprised.” Then we talked for hours. |
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My best friend, who I have known for almost 25 years, took me out for a rather conversation-heavy dinner, and many laughs. He seemed a bit disappointed that I had never felt confident enough to Come Out to him. I explained that the fear of losing his friendship was always too much for me to even consider.
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My co-workers all showed me just how sweet and supportive they really are. They want to treat me to a night of apple martinis. I have decided to take them up on their offer. Yes, please. It’s safe for me to assume that not one of the people in my life was the least bit shocked to hear me say: “I am gay”.
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They already knew.
They were all hoping that I would just take that freeing “Leap of Faith” on my own terms. It’s all good. The past month has felt like one long, forceful, relieving “exhale”. I have learned a lot about the importance of speaking the truth. |
"I am OUT...definitely a little late to the party,
but better late than never. Time for me to find a boyfriend!
Follow Bruce on Twitter @capitalBruce and read his blog at http://capitalbruce.tumblr.com
Follow Jordan Bach on Twitter @JordanBach and read his blog at http://thebachbook.tumblr.com
Follow Jordan Bach on Twitter @JordanBach and read his blog at http://thebachbook.tumblr.com
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