Ben | 36 | Manchester, England
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I don’t know the exact date but I know roughly the significant moments on my coming out and the timings. This means that I’m coming up to my sweet sixteenth birthday as a gay man. Very typically of me, my coming out was slow, very emotional but quite safe - taken in small and deliberate steps whilst I carefully aligned my external persona (the person people knew) with the real feelings and thoughts that had been going on inside my head for years. I was 20 when I came out. This was as initially as a bi-sexual. What I saw as safe step number one. That was a difficult admission but I didn’t really have a choice as my non-commitment to defining my sexuality was driving my first boyfriend (older than me but not long out either) a bit crazy. We didn’t know what we were (was we just friends with benefits or boyfriends?) and I didn’t want to say what I was. I knew I wasn’t “straight but bendy” but bi-sexual and gay seemed like labels that could crush my entire existence. However, bi-curious didn’t seem sufficient for the person sat opposite me, whom I loved and had strong feelings for me. Oh and we’d ended up living together in a shared house in Clapham, South London and were very close, physically - very often. Oops! So I decided to bite the bullet, admit I was bi and see how this felt before seeing whether I could make the next step. |
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I didn’t really know about section 28 until I came out but joined Stonewall to campaign for its repeal (as well as other successful campaigns for equality) but that isn’t the point. I spent my time growing up knowing that I was different, picking up from parents / teachers and my peers that having feels towards the same sex was bad / wrong and not having anywhere to turn for advice or support.
"Until my mid-teens I knew I wasn’t interested in kissing girls, but I wasn’t really interested in kissing boys either. But I knew as I got older that I was developing stronger feelings towards people of the same sex."
I was bullied at junior school when I moved from Hackney to Walthamstow. I didn’t like football and would rather watch the girls perfect their routine to 'Frankie’ by Sister Sledge which made me stand out. I also had a name that made me a bit of an easy target. BENder or BENt CRutCH were regularly thrown around. It is ridiculous now to think how much these taunts used to bother me then but there is nothing worse than fearing being found out when you know what is going on in your head. If I’d known that there were others in the world who shared the same thoughts and feelings that I did, it might have been less scary. The bullying at junior school escalated over the years from irregular name calling and teasing to regular physical attacks over a few months. The attacks stopped when I told my Mum. She immediately went round to the main bully’s house and when his Mum answered the door she punched her in the face and warned her that “every time your son or his friends hit my son, I’m coming round here to do the same to you. This ends now”. I was only ten years old but I felt protected and safe and the bullying stopped. However, the bullying did reinforce some already strong beliefs I had that men and boys had a tendency to be mean and violent. Not a great belief when you’re gay.
"For most of my teenage years I would think about having sex with other males and then cry myself to sleep. This was virtually every night for years. I cried because I didn’t want to be me but I didn’t know how to stop or change."
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The only way I stopped crying was to shut down. I couldn’t imagine that I’d ever be able to have a relationship with a man because I couldn’t see myself coming out. I couldn't imagine having a relationship with a woman either because I’d be lying. The shutdown was actually after some really humiliating attempts of trying to make things happen when I was 17 (around the time I had my passport photo taken – do you like the gold hoop earring?). I won’t go into these now but these tales have entertained friends at chill-outs by their enormous cringe factor and we all do stupid things when we try to feel our way through the murky woods of teenage hormones without a map or torch. This is why I think RUComingOut is such a fantastic resource. No matter what your gender, age, religion or race – someone like you (or very similar) has probably walked this path (and survived) before. When I shutdown though it was because of this belief. I believed that I would NEVER ever fall in love and that I would live my entire life sad and silent.
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I met Dave at work and he was very handsome, charming and most of all very funny. He was six years older than me (this was a big deal for us then !?!), wasn’t out to his parents although he had come out to other people just over a year before when he finished his second year at University. We became smoking buddies, having fag breaks together, and then became mates who went out drinking after work. We went out to pubs with my work mates and then we started to go to Gay Bars in Soho to meet his friends. We were then offered to look after a five bedroom house in Clapham and as we were both living at home with our parents this was a great opportunity. During all of this though I never thought I fancied Dave, but as I think back now I blatantly did but I had such a lid on my feelings I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything.
It was after we’d agreed to take on the house in Clapham (as mates – he thought I was straight) that we started spending more time together and it was my first night at a Gay Club that I finally took the lid off my feelings. We started off at Heaven (under the arches in Charing Cross) and then went to Trade at Turnmills. As the green laser light ‘scanned’ the narrow dance floor full of gorgeous sweaty bodies I remember looking around and then smiling.
It was after we’d agreed to take on the house in Clapham (as mates – he thought I was straight) that we started spending more time together and it was my first night at a Gay Club that I finally took the lid off my feelings. We started off at Heaven (under the arches in Charing Cross) and then went to Trade at Turnmills. As the green laser light ‘scanned’ the narrow dance floor full of gorgeous sweaty bodies I remember looking around and then smiling.
"It dawned on me that I could feel genuinely happy by being truthful to myself like the other men in this room. All I had to do was admit who I was and let it be. I only had to let myself be gay."
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I didn’t immediately come out as gay but it was after this that I then started to fall for Dave. Before we moved into the house in Clapham I made a move on him outside a club off Tottenham Court Road. For his birthday I gave him a friendship band and a snog. Our relationship started then. It was very intense though as I was moving out of home for the first time, our friendship as a gay and straight man had quickly escalated and we were moving into a shared house with other housemates. Dave was great. He was kind and understanding and slowly and surely I came out to his friends, our housemates, my work colleagues, my friends then my Mum and Nan. Every time I came out to someone I felt stronger and then after a while I just came out and told friends and work colleagues that they didn’t need to keep it private. Nothing is quicker at getting news around than the rumour mill. My Mum took it hard at first. I think she just had so many of her dreams invested in my future with me as a straight man. My Nan was great and she very quickly came round; not for one moment did she stop loving me. She just needed to absorb how it affected her life. It might sound selfish but it is how we all absorb news about our friends and family and she had a lot of negative social beliefs around gay lifestyle that she needed to work through. She also loved Dave and his sense of humour so I think that made it easier for her. |
Coming out then was the toughest thing I’ve ever been through. It isn’t now but it is certainly one of the most significant things to have happened to me. When you make the decision to be true to yourself then allow yourself to love and be connected to the world – well done! It is the best feeling a human being can experience. I don’t think it matters what your background, being authentic in a challenging environment when you’re encouraged to be someone you're not is brave and requires strength. So be brave and be strong. I promise that you’ll feel infinitely better for it.
Big love!
Follow me on Twitter - @BenCrouchMCR
Big love!
Follow me on Twitter - @BenCrouchMCR
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