Andres | 21 | New York, NY, USA
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Let’s start with some of my background. Well, I’m originally from Ecuador and I used to live in one of the biggest cities around there, Guayaquil, before I moved to the States. However, it was not always like that, I was born in a small town with a gigantic population of small-minded extremely religious individuals that would never give me a chance. As you grow up you realize that maybe you’re different than what your society deems “normal.” Both of my parents worked so I was raised by my father’s side grandmother, I loved her. She taught me from the start that it was ok to be who I was and that I was perfect in her eyes, I know she knew. Nonetheless, even when my life at home was perfect, my grandma was not around when I was in school. South America has a strong obsession with soccer, but I refused to play it. Even when I attended a private school, it was settled that boys would play soccer and that girls would play basketball. I picked the latter, and for this, the name calling started. It also didn’t help that most of my friends, maybe eighty percent, were girls. I used to get along much better with them, and besides, they were my basketball teammates when I had to go to practice sports. I was regularly teased about being a “sissy,” “faggot,” “gay,” etc. These names did nothing to help me accept who I was, but mostly they hurt and made me battle this “sickness” I had. |
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"I knew that I was gay since I was little, but what if it was just a phase?"
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What if I was too little to choose something as important as that? What if I liked girls but I was just being an immature kid? I continued to battle to change me, to change who I really was, and it was wrong. I was starting puberty and I was having thoughts about my first kiss, or my first date, but I hated that, somehow, they involved guys. Why was this happening to me? Why was I not “normal” like the rest of the world?
I always believed that maybe my hometown and its repressiveness made me this way, just to be a rebel. My dad’s job moved him to a bigger city where I thought my “gayness” will go away. That then I would realize that it was all about where I was born and that I, indeed, was completely “normal.” As soon as I got to Guayaquil, I got a girlfriend, she was gorgeous in my eyes, and she was perfect for me. We regularly fought about the fact that I believed Kylie was one of the greatest pop-divas. We used to fight about clothes and current designers. We even fought about one man’s right to wear skinny white jeans. She never got the hint. I pretended I didn’t either. |
Even when some friends asked me if I was gay, I used to answer back with “I’m positive about my sexuality, if I would be gay I would say it openly.” I was lying to myself, and lying to the people that actually cared about me and my self-being. One day, I decided not to be faking this anymore, I decided that by fighting who I was and pretending to be someone else was actually doing more harm than good to the person that lived inside me. Besides I was still thinking that, if ever, I would marry Hugh Jackman over Halle Berry. I did break up with my girlfriend immediately, but I couldn’t tell her the truth, and even when I accepted myself, I couldn’t tell the truth to anyone either. I was still hiding in that awful place known as the “closet.”
To my surprise, I met someone through Facebook and he became one of my best friends. He started introducing me to Ecuador’s “gay scene” and his group of friends. For the first time in my life I felt like I was accepted for whom I was rather for who I pretended to be. |
"They became one of the greatest groups of people I’ve met, and to this day,
they know I love them. They made me more open to the fact that I was normal,
that I did not need to change who I was, and that making society accept me
was not my job, my job was to accept myself and love myself."
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I was attending college now and I believed I needed to change my major. This situation sparked a lot of tension between me and my parents and one day a discussion started. My father was completely out of his mind over me changing majors, until I lost it. I said the first thing that came to my mind. “Why would you know that I wanted to change my majors, if you don’t even know I’m gay?” Not very subtle, I know, but it happened. I believe there could’ve been much easier ways to tell my parents about my homosexuality than that one, but I wouldn’t change how it went.
My mother started crying and telling me how much she loved me and how this would not change how she treated me. On the other hand, my father took it a bit harder. Being from the small town we were, my father didn’t really say much and asked me if I was sure. After this, there were three hard months for me where my usually great relationship with my father felt sour. These three months were difficult for me because I believed I lost my dad and I lost my best buddy. |
Coinciding with New Year’s Eve, my father decided to speak to me and it was one of the greatest moments in life. He told me he needed time to accept who I was, he needed time to leave all the small town thoughts he had to understand who I was, and that he never ever wanted me to feel unloved. He cried. I assumed my sister always knew so when the moment came to tell her, she laughed. She knew.
From this moment on, my relationship with my parents grew. My life started to get better. My dad’s always been kind of a comedian. He started to joke and mess around with me. He became my buddy once again. Whenever we went out and he saw someone who looked gay, he said to me that if I wanted to go and talk to him I should. My father never did this on a disrespectful way; he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable with being who I was, especially around my family. My parents once said and always repeat it to me: “Family’s unconditional. Our love for you is unconditional. All we want as parents is for us to stick together as a family.” They stand by this to this very moment.
Eventually I moved to the States, from where I write this story, and I manage to speak to my parents at least once a day. Sometimes they joke around about when will my wedding happen and how will they know who pays the bill. They’re ridiculous. They actually liked my last boyfriend a lot, but that’s another story. After coming out all my life feels lighter, I don’t need to hide anymore. I’m just me. I’m the person I always wanted to be on the outside. My relationship with my parents and friends has become much better the moment I became honest with me and honest with them. Well, if I’ve lost one or two friends over my sexuality, well, they were not really my friends, they didn’t love me for who I am in reality, they loved the image I created. After coming out everything starts to get better as long as you love yourself first.
When I started to be confident enough of my sexuality, it showed. People accepted me and loved me for me, for the person I was, for the love I gave, for how I treated them. Eventually, my sexuality was out there and it showed only my preferences, but I showed them my value as a human being, a normal human being, just like everyone else.
Follow Andres on Twitter - @astinajerov
From this moment on, my relationship with my parents grew. My life started to get better. My dad’s always been kind of a comedian. He started to joke and mess around with me. He became my buddy once again. Whenever we went out and he saw someone who looked gay, he said to me that if I wanted to go and talk to him I should. My father never did this on a disrespectful way; he wanted to make sure I felt comfortable with being who I was, especially around my family. My parents once said and always repeat it to me: “Family’s unconditional. Our love for you is unconditional. All we want as parents is for us to stick together as a family.” They stand by this to this very moment.
Eventually I moved to the States, from where I write this story, and I manage to speak to my parents at least once a day. Sometimes they joke around about when will my wedding happen and how will they know who pays the bill. They’re ridiculous. They actually liked my last boyfriend a lot, but that’s another story. After coming out all my life feels lighter, I don’t need to hide anymore. I’m just me. I’m the person I always wanted to be on the outside. My relationship with my parents and friends has become much better the moment I became honest with me and honest with them. Well, if I’ve lost one or two friends over my sexuality, well, they were not really my friends, they didn’t love me for who I am in reality, they loved the image I created. After coming out everything starts to get better as long as you love yourself first.
When I started to be confident enough of my sexuality, it showed. People accepted me and loved me for me, for the person I was, for the love I gave, for how I treated them. Eventually, my sexuality was out there and it showed only my preferences, but I showed them my value as a human being, a normal human being, just like everyone else.
Follow Andres on Twitter - @astinajerov
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