Adrian Hansel | 33 | London, England | Actor and Dancer
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“In-the-closet gay, but he just doesn’t know it yet - he just needs to come out.”
These are things that I’m sure people were saying about me even when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I loved (and still do) to sing, dance and act. MUST be gay then right? Ok, hands up, I AM!! But I know loads and loads of people that do the same thing and are straight!! But you still hear the phrases above. I do think that hearing these scary stories can put you off coming out or put you off embracing who you are. Don’t get me wrong, some people have been through some awful things and it’s obviously very important to be honest about it and share these stories. But at the same time, why not hear one where it was sweetness and light?! You might be thinking the worst about what your coming out will be like and you know what, it may work out to be just fine. I can’t say I had ‘feelings’ for boys when I was young; I didn’t really feel anything like that to be honest; I just had a plan and that was that I wanted to perform on the West End stage! "I didn’t kiss a girl until I was 15. It felt good I suppose; it felt ‘normal’. But was there a fire in my belly? Looking back on it, not really, but I didn’t know any different back then, I had nothing to compare it to."
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Being surrounded by tight bodied, good looking male dancers in ballet tights all day should have been a dream right? To be honest, I guess it was but I didn’t really know that back then. I think I confused ‘fancying’ with ‘envy’ and ‘respect’. I knew I ‘liked’ certain boys but I thought that was because they were talented and just, well, nice?
Then of course you had the older gay guys who were around 19 or 20, out and proud (and rightly so) who were scoping the 1st year 16 year olds, some of which hadn't come out yet.
Then of course you had the older gay guys who were around 19 or 20, out and proud (and rightly so) who were scoping the 1st year 16 year olds, some of which hadn't come out yet.
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I’m sure that most of us at one point have said that line; the line I started my story with:
“In-the-closet gay, but he just doesn’t know it yet - he just needs to come out.” I know I’ve said it before but I really try not to these days. We should let people live their lives their way, in their time. Allow them to discover and find out who they are for themselves. I had a girlfriend all throughout college and it felt good, I loved her and she was my best friend. Was I in the closet? I don’t think so. Was I thinking of boys while with her? No. I guess I just really liked her, found her attractive and for me it felt very ‘normal’ When I hit 19 and left college I became so focused on work that I found myself in a situation where I was simply unable to split my time with anyone or anything and so I broke up with my girlfriend. I got a London agent, went to auditions and landed the lead role in FAME - The Musical. After this, straight into the lead role in Starlight Express. Two years single and two years without any kisses let alone anything else! It was all about work, work, work! When I got my third West End job I had to share a dressing room for the first time, with another boy. We hit it off right away. He was handsome, the same age as me, he was funny and I really liked him. I felt a shift in my feelings about three weeks into working with him. "I wanted to be with him all the time and whenever he text me my tummy turned over with excitement. This was a different feeling, one that I hadn’t had before but and I liked it!" |
Two months after I started to have these new feelings we were out one night, it was late and at the end of the evening he tried to kiss me. This moment should have been perfect but I freaked out, he said sorry and I went home. I thought about what had happened. I kind of wanted him to try and kiss me but I don’t think I was ready to take that step. We spoke about it afterwards and he suggested that maybe I was bisexual. Maybe I was bi then?... I was confused but wasn’t at all scared about the whole thing. Two months after that we went out again and again he kissed me. It was amazing and I loved it and I felt a feeling I had never felt with anyone else before! And it was easy and I thought ‘do you know what, this feels amazing’. You like who you like right? I’m not saying it didn’t feel amazing with my girlfriend because it did but this …this was just….different.
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Right then, better tell my mum! I put it off…I put it off again…then put it off some more! Why!? My mum loves me? She’s very open and she’s free.
I found it hard and I would love to be able to say why, but you know what guys, I can’t, it just was. I said to myself that if she asks me than I’ll tell her the truth. One day she said to me, ‘are you happy?’ I said, ‘yes Mum, I am really happy actually.’ ‘Are you seeing anyone’, she went on and I said, ‘yes Mum, I am seeing someone actually.’ Pause……………………………. She asked me what their name was and I said, ‘errrrrm, name, errrm, Ben?’ – like I was asking for her approval in my response! My Mum looked me straight in my eyes and said........................... |
"As long as you’re
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"Love is a great and special thing
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And with that everything changed. I thought that if I could tell the most important person in my life and she was fine with it, then I could tell EVERYONE!! I began to realise that if they had a problem with it (although it would of course be a shame) it would most definitely be their problem and not mine! My friends were amazing right from the start. They actually thought it was the coolest thing ever!! Then of course I got the usual comments like: ‘I knew it!’, ‘I always thought you were’, and, ‘You just needed to come out!’
Of course I needed to come out but not for anyone else, for me. I wasn’t questioned which was great; If someone says they’re gay then they’re gay, just let them live their own life. Yes I was lucky and yes it was relatively easy for me but all that tells you is that sometimes it can be like that! Coming out was scary but trust me when I say this; It gets so much easier the more people you tell. If you’re reading this now and you are struggling know that I love you already so if you feel that you have no one, you already have me! XXXXXXXXXXXXX You can follow Adrian on Twitter - @adrianhansel Visit Adrian's website - www.adrianhansel.com Like Adrian's Facebook page - facebook.com/AdrianHansel |
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