Adam | 31 | Hereford, England | Bingo Club Manager
I wonder what would have happened if my school life had been different? I was bullied really badly at school just because my surname rhymed with gay; kids can be cruel. It’s amazing how quickly it can go from Gaywood to Michael Jackson’s love child (I need to point out this was the first time those accusations were going around). I think during this period of my life I suppressed my feelings about my sexuality. By being bullied I was convinced that being gay was wrong; so wrong that there was no way that I could ever be like that. Looking back I think even during this time I was attracted to other boys but I did such a good job of ignoring it that I never really realised.
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During school I had a few girlfriends and it was all good. Most of the relationships lasted around 3 - 6 months. Then at 16 I joined the army (not a job in which it’s traditionally easy to explore your sexuality). After my training I was posted to Germany and during this time I became really good friends with one of my corporals. We were sent to Cyprus on tour. After a heavy night out this corporal was bunking in my room and we were having a chat. To this day I’m not sure how we got onto the subject of sexuality but I discovered he was bisexual. I ended up having my first gay experience that night. After this my thoughts and emotions were all over the place.
"Part of me was disgusted at what I had done
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When I was at home in Hereford I met a girl who I started seeing and eventually married. I can honestly say that I loved her with all my heart and we even had a son together. But despite being in love I still had urges to look at naked men. I still regret to this day not telling my ex-wife that I was bisexual. (I honestly believe I was bi back then and that I have shifted more to the gay side now). As you can probably guess the marriage didn’t last that long as she found pictures I’d hidden on my computer.
"After we split up I began to soul search to try to find the real me."
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Still firmly in the closet I would meet people occasionally off Gaydar. I was very careful about the people I would meet and I would try to get them to be very discreet about it all. I guess I was still a little ashamed of what I was doing. Then about two years ago things changed. There was a guy off Gaydar that I would meet up with quite regularly. He came over to my house one evening, we were lying next to each other talking and he asked me a question. ‘If we were together how do I know you won’t cheat on me with a girl?’ I thought this was a strange question because he only mentioned a girl. I had very strong feelings for him and had a decision to make. |
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I was 29 at the time and still confused about how I felt. I had recently been on a date with a woman and there was no attraction at all. In the intervening years since my marriage had ended I had only had sexual contact with men. I was also fed up with meaningless meetings. I realised that I couldn’t have any sort of relationship with a man without firstly admitting to myself that I was bisexual or gay ( I hate labels by the way!) and then telling other people. The next step was how to tell people. I must mention that by now I was out of the army. I was working at a castle organising weddings and the person that I was working with, Tracey, became a really good friend.
I decided that she would be the first person I would tell. Still, it took me a long time to work up the courage. When I told her she was so supportive and would talk to me about how to tell other people that I wanted to tell. This was around November 2011. Later that month I asked Tracey to tell some people at work while I was there (I still struggled saying out loud that I was gay). They were all great and really supportive.
I would love to say that was it and I told everyone else really quickly, but it didn’t seem to be that easy. Up until Christmas 2011 Tracey and the two friends at work were the only people that knew, but just after Christmas I decided that I needed to tell my close friend. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t that hard. It actually took me until New Year’s Eve to tell two of my closest friends. I sat down all night playing games and chatting and still couldn’t tell them, then around one in the morning as I was about to go I just blurted it about and waited for the explosion.
I decided that she would be the first person I would tell. Still, it took me a long time to work up the courage. When I told her she was so supportive and would talk to me about how to tell other people that I wanted to tell. This was around November 2011. Later that month I asked Tracey to tell some people at work while I was there (I still struggled saying out loud that I was gay). They were all great and really supportive.
I would love to say that was it and I told everyone else really quickly, but it didn’t seem to be that easy. Up until Christmas 2011 Tracey and the two friends at work were the only people that knew, but just after Christmas I decided that I needed to tell my close friend. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t that hard. It actually took me until New Year’s Eve to tell two of my closest friends. I sat down all night playing games and chatting and still couldn’t tell them, then around one in the morning as I was about to go I just blurted it about and waited for the explosion.
"The explosion never came, they were pretty cool and funnily enough
I didn’t leave for another few hours. We chatted and it felt good."
Next were my family and my mum in particular. Yet again it took a while, but eventually I plucked up the courage and said, ‘Mum, I’m gay’. Her response was that she already knew. I was shocked that it was all OK. I had already told my brothers I was bisexual when I was drunk a long while before so they were fine. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t the one that got to tell my ex-wife. She was told by a mutual friend, who was told by my brother’s girlfriend. I had asked all of my family not to say anything until I had told her, but these things happen. Totally as expected she went mental, telling me she knew and asking if I’d been tested for HIV. Eventually she calmed down and we get on as well as could ever have been expected.
"By the end of 2011 I had told pretty much everyone I'd wanted to tell.
I'm out at work in my new job and it wasn’t a big deal to anyone."
I had downloaded the Grindr app which although is not the best for dating resulted in a date with a guy called Dave. A few months ago we changed our relationship status together. I finally feel I’m officially out and proud. Sometimes it still feels weird saying ’I’m gay’ out loud, but it’s getting easier and it makes me feel better each time I say it. I still don’t go around with a massive sign, but if I’m asked or it comes up in conversation I answer honestly.
"My life feels sorted now that I have the most wonderful son
and a fantastic boyfriend who I love both very much."
Follow Adam on Twitter - @AdamHaywood
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