Abi | 24 | Manchester, England | Restaurant Manager
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I always find it fascinating how so many people knew they were gay from a young age; I had no idea. In hindsight, yes I had crushes on girl friends of mine and was incredibly sexually attracted to Beyoncé (circa her ‘Crazy in Love’ video, writhing around on the ground and THAT thumb lick) yet at the time it didn’t click. I think for me, I wasn’t ready to process or entertain the idea of being gay and maybe suppressed those internal conversations with myself - UNTIL a drunken Halloween at the tender age of 17. I had gone bowling with my friends and had been drinking pre/post bowling. I remember being really attracted to the woman who gave me my bowling shoes. My internal dialogue went as follows - “Why do I fancy this woman? She’s not even that special is she? Like if there was a guy who was on par looks-wise I wouldn’t even look twice at him, yet she’s just so beautiful to me. Oh my God, I love her!! Wait do I? AM I IN LOVE WITH HER? Oh my God I’m in love with the woman who works at the bowling alley and I don’t even know her name. I must find out who she is…..oh sh*t it’s my turn to bowl.” Cut to three hours later after getting home I am in my room. I’m definitely intoxicated at this point, however the night’s events are whirling around and around in my head. I had had thoughts previous to this, but I had blocked them out. "This was the first time I entertained the idea that I was gay without stopping myself." |
I ran with the idea and concluded I was in fact gay. It was very strange because the more I accepted it, the more I felt relieved. That’s all it was, relief. I think I'd subconsciously knew long before but hadn’t consciously known or accepted it. I tell you what, it felt so good to accept it!
So with this relief and elation I grabbed a pen and paper and started to write. I was crying as I wrote, sipping on my Smirnoff Ice, hiccupping and wiping the tears off my letter. In the morning I got up, reread my letter, threw up from nerves, went into my Mum’s room, shoved the letter in her hand and said, “Please read this when I’ve left for college.”
So with this relief and elation I grabbed a pen and paper and started to write. I was crying as I wrote, sipping on my Smirnoff Ice, hiccupping and wiping the tears off my letter. In the morning I got up, reread my letter, threw up from nerves, went into my Mum’s room, shoved the letter in her hand and said, “Please read this when I’ve left for college.”
"At 9.20am I received a text from my mum saying, 'We will talk when you get home. X' with a swift follow up text saying, 'Your letter….it was a bit wordy. 6 pages was a bit excessive' ."
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I got home and we talked, it was nerve racking, embarrassing, and to be honest a huge blur looking back on it. She told me to not ‘label’ myself, however at the age of 17 appreciated the fact that I was probably “sure of myself” and that she was glad she was the first person I told. My Dad’s response after my mum told her was, “Oh right cool…..What’s for tea? I’m bloody starving”.
After that I only came out to a few friends until I left for Uni. When I went to Uni I re-invented myself so to speak. No one knew me and I was free to be who I wanted, if people didn’t like it, I didn’t care because I was finally free. I was happy with myself and I was confident and self assured. My experience coming out was a relatively pain free one. I knew in my heart that my parents and my friends would be fine with it, but it is a difficult process for anyone. It’s an inner fight with one’s self. You are your own worst enemy and biggest critic, the biggest demons you fight are your own. You know when you lay in bed and judge yourself, or you hate yourself and you wonder why am I like this? Why did I have to be this way? Why can’t I be like everyone else? We all do this because we try to compare ourselves to others, to try and fit in or to not let other people down. When we do this the only people we are letting down is our true self. "Self acceptance and self love. Once you have that, you’re good to go." |
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Yes the last paragraph was a HUGE cliché but it’s all true, well for me it is. A few things at the age of 24 I'd say to my 17 year old self:
- Yes I know, I also wish there was a magic button that could tell you whether you and other people were gay or not, because at the age of 24 you have terrible ‘game/gaydar’ and you could use that! HOWEVER it does not exist, so trust your heart.
- Please don’t go back to that bowling alley and casually stalk the lovely lady who you fell in love with. She’s not the one for you and neither is the bar lady on holiday, who you will go on to confess your undying love for after only a week of seeing her. Your time will come, just not yet.
- You are not the only gay in the world, you’re going to become part of a huge queer family that you will love with every bone in your body. They will be your home away from home, I’m so excited for you to meet them.
- Don’t fret about coming out to people. It is unfortunately a bit awkward/cringe but trust me its gets easier and easier, and you care less and less.
- You will have a dark moment but don’t worry you will get through that and it will make you a stronger person. Trust me.
- And FINALLY you know that ‘wordy’ coming out letter, well go find it and destroy it now! Your mother has kept that without you knowing and has hidden it in a ‘safe place’. She plans on reading it in a ‘hilarious best man esque speech’ on your wedding day.
Follow Abi on Twitter - @abiOS
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