March 2013
The Bullied by James D. Spangler M.S.
Licensed Psychologist & LGTBQ Supporter
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I am so happy to see the media focus on the topic of bullying over the past several years. Finally, a spotlight is shining on a phenomenon that has created such pain for so many children for so long. While it took the suicide deaths of a lot of kids to create such interest, we can be thankful to those children, for through their existence they have forever changed us all, individually as well as collectively. Therefore, every one of their lives has mattered and will continue to matter for a long time to come. However, the lives of the bullies need to be honored as well. As a wiser person than I once said, in the end there are no perpetrators in the world - only victims. The bullies of the world deserve our love and guidance as do the bullied. Since so much media attention has been placed on the bully, however, I will confine my thoughts to the bullied. |
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According to research the most prominent signs of a child being bullied are: comes home with unexplainable injuries, comes home with damaged clothing or other belongings, frequently “loses” items (such as, books, electronics, clothes or other valuable items), tries to find excuses to avoid going to school, hurts himself (cutting, burning or eating restrictions), loses interest in friends or in extra-curricular activities, acts afraid of going to school or school activities, appears moody (anxious, depressed or withdrawn), feels helpless and exhibits low self-esteem.
The most common attributes associated with a typical victim of bullying include: an insecure personality, lower peer acceptance, being “different” in some way, physical weakness and overprotective parents. Researchers explain that bullied children tend to be more insecure, depressed and anxious than their non-bullied counterparts.
The most common attributes associated with a typical victim of bullying include: an insecure personality, lower peer acceptance, being “different” in some way, physical weakness and overprotective parents. Researchers explain that bullied children tend to be more insecure, depressed and anxious than their non-bullied counterparts.
Bullied children are reported to have fewer friends, higher instances of learning disorders, higher occurrences of physical and mental issues and/or a higher probability of being gay or bisexual."
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In terms of physical characteristics, victims of bullying are said to be physically weaker than their peers, particularly those who are shorter, thinner, or less muscular. They also tend to fail at sports. Regarding familial factors, bullied children usually have parents who are overprotective. These parents are believed to avoid open conflict with their child so that household harmony is maintained, which, in turn, makes the child less able to deal with conflict and more likely to be victimized by peers. Finally, parents of these victims are thought to be socially over-involved with their child in an attempt to make up for the child’s ongoing peer rejection, which, again, makes the child’s problems with peers worse rather than better. I will not take the time to argue the accuracy of these explanations, for many or all of them may be perfectly valid assessments. (I cannot help but point out, though, there are a lot of overweight kids out there who are being bullied by slender kids; and there are a lot of bullied kids who are learning the art of victimization at the hands (and/or mouth) of their aggressive, as opposed to coddling, parents.) In the end, while these variables have significant validity, in my clinical experience I do not believe they are the most important factors. Instead, after doing psychotherapy for the past 35 years, I have come to believe bullying (whether it be the bully or the bullied) has much more to do with a child’s positive or negative thoughts, perceptions and feelings about himself, the world and his relationship with that world than anything else. The most important ingredient in the formation of a person who becomes chronically bullied, in my estimation, is the individual’s fundamental beliefs about who they are, what feelings these perceptions generate and what vibration(s) are, therefore, emanating from them. In other words, does the child feel worthy and does he believe he has the requisite power to effect change in the environment when necessary? Or does she feel inadequate and, therefore, personally powerless? In my clinical experience, most bullied children (and bullied adults, for that matter) do not believe they possess the power to effect any real significant change, particularly in situations in which they are being mistreated. |
"In essence, they maintain the attitude that regardless of what they say or do, their efforts will bring only more negativity - or (even worse) nothing at all."
Therefore, over time these individuals learn to remain silent and do so by convincing themselves they no longer care – or that it just does not matter anymore. This dynamic, which is the root cause of learned helplessness and learned hopelessness, of course, only serves in the end to substantiate precisely that belief (i.e., if you feel helpless you will become helpless).
As a result, bullied children/adults have a terrible time establishing and maintaining healthy levels of personal self-worth and self-confidence. (You simply cannot feel good about yourself if life/God/The Universe/Etc. is giving you feedback that you do not matter.) Additionally, these kids have a great deal of trouble setting any meaningful interpersonal boundaries, which in turn provides even more confirmation of their inadequacy, which in turn makes them feel even more inferior, which in turn causes them become even more passive. Bullies, on the other hand, while also experiencing (albeit covertly) compromised levels of self-worth, have little (if any) difficulty with overt expression of self-confidence. Although these kids outwardly appear powerful, strong, knowing and aggressive, bullies are much like the Wizard of Oz (i.e., a seemingly all-powerful being, who underneath it all is only a teeny, tiny, chubby, balding guy turning a crank.) While it looks like the bully gets what he wants, he really does not! Every one of us is trying to accomplish the same thing – to feel. Good. While the bully on the surface appears to feel like the cock of the walk, underneath it all he/she is no happier than the person he/she is attempting to overpower.
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In a purely clinical sense, the bullied could be considered “codependent” in their overall personality makeup and the bully would be labeled a “counter-dependent” in theirs. Without going into too much detail, the typical codependent personality types tend to over-develop the more feminine aspects of the personality while de-emphasizing the more masculine. Counter-dependent personality types, on the other hand, tend to over-develop the masculine parts of their being while de-emphasizing the feminine. As a result, codependents tend to experience (and express) the more vulnerable emotions, such as hurt, pain, sadness and fear, while their counterparts usually experience (and display) anger – or derivations of anger, such as annoyance, agitation, irritation, etc. Subsequently, while codependents have very weak/blurred personal boundaries, counter-dependents have very strong/intrusive ones. Although on the surface these two groups and the feelings they exude may appear quite different, they are in reality quite similar, like opposing feelings on the same emotional stick.
To help explain why these two groups constantly rendezvous with each other and how the vibrations given off by them are so similar, I will use the basic principles of the Law of Attraction, which states “that which is like onto itself is drawn”. In the book “Ask and It Is Given” (Abraham Hicks Publications, 2004), the authors, Jerry and Esther Hick, offer the following emotional scale continuum: |
1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love |
Using this emotional continuum scale as a reference, it is easy to see that the emotions of the typical bully (hate, rage, a need for revenge, etc.) are in the same vibrational vicinity as are the feelings experienced by most people who are being bullied (fear, depression, insecurity, unworthiness, etc.). As a result, each group constantly attracts the other, creating a tremendous amount of emotional and behavioral momentum when they come into close proximity of each other. In other words, the bullied codependent-like person, whether he is aware of it or not, is as much a part of creating and sustaining the toxic relationship as is the counter-dependent-like person. While this analysis may be rather shocking and even create anger in some people, it is, nevertheless true. (Whenever any situation is analyzed through the principle of extreme, black-and-white, right and wrong, good and bad thinking, a viable solution is rarely derived. This subject is no exception to this rule.) No bullied individual will ever be elevated through pity for being a victim, for in doing so the supposed healer unwittingly more firmly entrenches the very attitudes (and, therefore, behaviors) that helped to create the bullied’s abuse in the first place. Instead of being looked upon as downtrodden the bullied need to be empowered through discovering ever-increasingly higher levels of self-worth and self-confidence.
Even in the worst case scenario where the bully does not change in any positive way, the bullied person, through his continuous advancement, will be able to systematically widen the gap between him and his attacker(s). Under such circumstances they simply will no longer be able to rendezvous with each other. In other words, empower the person being bullied and the bully will not be able to connect with him anymore - and/or empower the bully and the rendezvous between them will change dramatically. Additionally, the Law of Attraction theory also encourages us to alter our beliefs regarding the treatment we give the bullies. In this regard, it suggests that a bully will never be healed through hatred, condemnation and punishment. In other words, lowering the emotional vibration of the bully will do little to heal him. Like the bullied, the bullies of the world need to be uplifted through personal empowerment and self-love. This explanation may be a bitter pill for some who would prefer to divvy things up into neat piles of what is right or wrong, to find fault, to lay blame and to punish, but the great tendency to admonish the bully and to pity the victim (particularly within the American media) must go, for it only serves to feed it and to make it even larger. We also need to create empowerment classes for bullies, if we are to make significant changes in this population.
A while back I was watching a talk show in which an alleged victim (the consummate codependent) was sharing in great detail her tales of woe regarding her husband (the typical counter-dependent), who apparently had been addicted to online pornography throughout most of their lengthy marriage. As the wife enumerated the many unsavory infractions her husband had supposedly (He probably did do the things she said.) levied upon her over the years, you could hear the ongoing sympathy she was receiving from the audience. However, the tone of the audience changed dramatically after the commercial break, when the husband was ushered onto the stage. Boos and hisses filled the studio. Of course, the husband reacted by immediately becoming defensive and rationalizing all of his behaviors, which, of course, only further polarized him from the audience – and allowed the wife too appear even more downtrodden.
"By portraying a complex subject in such a black and white way, the host completely dismissed the wife’s participation in the “relationship” problem and held the husband totally accountable for it all."
Of course, it must be emphasized that the attitudes and behaviors elicited by the husband were far from functional, so (in essence) shame on him. However, shame on her also for allowing this to go on for over twenty years - and to continuously cope with it by beating the drum of denial and projection. The husband’s behaviors were so predictable. If she didn’t know what was going on it was because she didn’t want to know! So, in this case is it the wife who is totally responsible for her husband’s destructive behaviors? Certainly not! He is responsible totally. However, if she had been more personally aware, less fearful and more self-confident, she might have been able to assert herself in a way that would have given her what she wanted (and deserved) - an emotionally healthy partner, whether it be this man or someone else. Likewise, it is not okay for a bully to misuse his power with anyone – ever! Moreover, the bullied need to understand their own participation in the creation of this relationship; and they need to make the necessary alterations within the relationship as well. And herein is the key point I would like to make. In order to effect significant and long lasting change regarding the topic of abuse, bullying, violence, etc., the changes must come from within, as opposed to merely addressing overt behaviors or implementing various punitive techniques of control. How can we teach our children how to maintain their own personal emotional and physical safety by altering thoughts and feelings?
First and foremost, we need to find ways to assist our bullied children in learning the art of self-empowerment. Powerlessness, or the perceived inability to bring to oneself that which is most wanted, is the biggest contributor to the loss of personal power and to ever-increasing levels of depression/despair. Subsequently, by helping the bullied understand these dynamics and to find their own self-worth and self-confidence, these kids may then become motivated to alter the overt attitudes and behaviors which unwittingly help to feed the polarization between them and the bullies of the world. Additionally, helping them identify and successfully contain fear is imperative, for fear, above all else, is the fuel that ignites more strife in the world than any other factor. Fear is like gravity. It is a law of the universe. You do not have to understand it, but if you do not adhere to its principles, it will either help you or hurt you - a lot! In this case, fear, if allowed to control who you are and what you do, will ALWAYS create exactly and precisely what you do NOT want.
"As self-actualization unfolds, the bullied automatically becomes less fearful of being harmed by others and less willing to endure negativity. In fact, by simply portraying an air of confidence, anyone can dramatically decrease the probability of an emotional and/or physical assault."
However, what does one do when encountering a bully who is already enraged and out of control? Under those circumstances, turn away and get away as soon as possible! If you cannot flee, get as small and invisible as absolutely possible. Never voluntarily get sucked into a vortex of fury that you are not involved in directly, for in doing so you will most assuredly bring the swirling negativity down around you. In other words, never voluntarily enter into these situations by giving to the bully that which he/she is emitting. (I.e., referring to the emotional scale, do not give the bully a “19” when he is already in the process of emitting a “19” or risk getting an even more exaggerated “19”.) However, if an aggressive response is chosen (i.e., a life or death situation), one must be certain to release ALL resistance/doubt and to make sure that ALL energy is focused in fighting back. In other words, either battle with all you have or submit completely. All rape crisis centers know that the halfhearted attempts are the ones that increase the probability of the most unwanted consequence.
Again, while the victims of violence (in whatever form) are so much easier to understanding and have compassion for, the victimizer is probably a victim too. Therefore, understanding and compassion should be extended to the bullies of the world as well. But remember compassion and understanding should NOT be confused with enabling, ignoring or rewarding the bully or his/her behavior, for this is NOT the case. Many of the bullies we see on the playground, at the bus stop or on the job (for that matter) are probably the offspring of a bullying, counter-dependent parent. When raised in such an environment, there are only two options at the child’s disposal – either to take on the attitudes and behaviors of the bullying, counter-dependent parent or those of the codependent victim. The innate personality predispositions of the child usually determine which choice is made. As such, bullies need our love and firm guidance just as much as the bullied do.
"Of course, the best way for parents and teachers to help these children become whole, well-integrated, well-adjusted, empowered, happy and loving children is to make sure they are being these things themselves – or at least openly and consciously trying to work toward that goal."
In so doing, they might be able to mentor these children in ways that provide positive rewards coupled with naturally occurring consequences. In the end, maybe the bullies of the world could find a way to catapult themselves into a higher (vibrational) orbit and the bullied could resist the temptation to lower themselves downward - where additional clashes with the bully are inevitable.
Coming soon . . .The Bullied Part 2 (In specific relation to being gay)
Follow James on Twitter - @JayDeeEss and read his very personal Coming Out blog here
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