Gregory | 19 | Johannesburg, SA | Student (Graphic Design)
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Being gay, you are constantly asked, “When did you know you were gay?”, and although the easier reply would be “always” my reply is not as simple. I do believe I have always been gay. I recall sexual attraction to other boys from early childhood; however it was only up until my late teenage years that I could associate this attraction with being homosexual. Prior to my teenage years, I never truly understood the meaning of sexual attraction nor did I care. Life wasn’t defined by sexual orientation, race or religion.
My story begins in June 2011 which was my final schooling year (12th Grade). It was the winter holidays here in South Africa, the longest annual holiday. Despite having examinations to prepare for and numerous invites to go out for some good “joling” (South African jargon for partying), I had this unexplainable desire to spend time alone; away from school, friends and family. I vividly recall the evening I sat up in my room contemplating the choices I had to make for the upcoming year. I remember speaking to the FHM calendar model, which was stuck up against my cupboard door, about my internal conflicts and began to ponder “What if?”… What if I married a woman had kids and pursued the life of a heterosexual man. Could I bare living with a secret, dismissing my homosexual thoughts and desires and ultimately denying myself the opportunity of true living? The answer, at the time, seemed uncertain to me. |
Me with my father
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"One thing I did know was that I could never deceive another woman into loving me fully when I
couldn’t promise the same in return. I knew that meant living a lie worse than I was currently living."
I saw this as the pinnacle moment in my change of heart. I had finally let go of this idea modern society had pressured me into thinking was normal. I no longer saw forcing myself into a heterosexual lifestyle as my only option. For once in my life I had began to embrace change, only because I understood change meant bettering me. At this point in time my mind ran wild with reoccurring thoughts of what being homosexual meant. I wanted to educate myself on what to expect, and I did just that. I began researching. Fortunately for me I had access to search engines such as Google, which allowed me to find anything I was looking for. I found blogs where gay individuals inspired, reassured and educated me about my future. Ironically it was the people who were continents away from me that affected me the most. I found positive matter on homosexuality and clung to it with the greatest hope that some day I could be openly gay and loving life. The moment I began letting go of my fear of being homosexual was the moment when life became worth living for again.
Me and my sister
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I see my coming to terms with my sexuality as the most important part of my coming out story. I believe we all need to accept ourselves before we can expect others to do the same. Not only do you learn more about yourself, you also prepare yourself to withstand possible hatred that may come your way. Accepting myself was pivotal. After finally accepting my sexuality (the emotional rollercoaster it was) I began to plan when I would come out. I knew that it was important that I told my family and that I no longer carried this secret with me everyday. Originally I thought my 18th birthday would be suitable as September was nearing by. Although I was determined to tell everyone it never materialised. September, October and November passed and I still hadn’t told anyone. Seeing as I was in an all-boys school, I decided to postpone coming out to my family until I finished school. If my parents had issues with my sexuality they could also feel uncomfortable having me attend my school (filled with boys) for various reasons. |
By December I had made my final decision. I would tell my family in the New Year (2012). Christmas had passed and my emotions became unbearable, as soon as it became 2012 I could barely contain it and on the 1st of January 2012 I came out to my family as we shared lunch on a beautiful sunny day… I had prepared myself for the worst.
Every detail of that day still remains in my head. I remember wearing my favourite shirt, pants and shoes to feel as comfortable as possible in the situation. I made lunch on the day to reinsure my family that my intention was not to break away but become closer as a family. As everyone sat down to begin eating I remained standing when I broke the news as it allowed me to reassert myself (and show that I was not joking and that I was prepared and confident). Most importantly I had a place to stay if the situation had turned soar.
Initially it came as shock to the family, the young prodigy that I was meant to be had turned out to be a fabricated dream my father had. Although their reactions could be captured as positively-mediocre on the day, the hurt and pain slowly began to sink in as the days progressed. I was told, “It’s just a phase”. It was a difficult process and mentioning it in future conversations was difficult too but as the time passed it became easier.
One misconception I had was that life would change for the better immediately. The process is slow and my family is still coming to terms with it. All I can do now is help educate them about homosexuality and answer any questions they have.
Every detail of that day still remains in my head. I remember wearing my favourite shirt, pants and shoes to feel as comfortable as possible in the situation. I made lunch on the day to reinsure my family that my intention was not to break away but become closer as a family. As everyone sat down to begin eating I remained standing when I broke the news as it allowed me to reassert myself (and show that I was not joking and that I was prepared and confident). Most importantly I had a place to stay if the situation had turned soar.
Initially it came as shock to the family, the young prodigy that I was meant to be had turned out to be a fabricated dream my father had. Although their reactions could be captured as positively-mediocre on the day, the hurt and pain slowly began to sink in as the days progressed. I was told, “It’s just a phase”. It was a difficult process and mentioning it in future conversations was difficult too but as the time passed it became easier.
One misconception I had was that life would change for the better immediately. The process is slow and my family is still coming to terms with it. All I can do now is help educate them about homosexuality and answer any questions they have.
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Fast forward 7 months and here I am typing my story. Dare I say it, a survivor of having come out!? Although things aren’t ideal yet I do keep a positive state of mind which helps me from day to day. I am fortunate that my family has responded in the way that they have and in return I find it my responsibility to “pay it forward” by helping others in a similar situation. I currently operate two blogs under the pseudonym “The Righteous Gay”. I use these blogs as a platform to connect with LGBT youth struggling with their sexuality. My aim is to expose the youth to “life after coming out” and to show them that being gay is more than okay - it’s great! After the struggle we endure it’s nice to know there’s someone on your side and that things do get better.
"I no longer have to keep it a secret. My life is still not defined by sexual orientation, race or religion. The only thing that has changed now is that I can live life openly and honestly."
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