Coming Out as a Femme Lesbian
By Hannah CooperComing out – to yourself and others – can be a natural or a difficult process. If you’re a feminine lesbian, realising your own sexuality might have been slow-dawning, or you may always have known but waited longer to come out, due to society’s stereotypes about how lesbians look and behave. You may also find yourself coming out over and over again throughout your life, due to invisibility.
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No two lesbians are the same, but there are some common issues that affect all of us at a human level. For feminine lesbians (or ‘femmes’) there can be specific challenges in coming out, in addition to individual circumstances. Here are the big five:
Challenge 1: Disbelief
This can be an initial reaction to coming out to straight people, and can be due to shock – ‘I never suspected/there weren’t any obvious signs’, misplaced concern, or thinking it’s a choice – ‘are you sure?’, or stereotype – ‘but you’re so feminine’ (or worst of all – usually from straight men – ‘but you’re too pretty to be a lesbian’). To suggest that disbelief is the most common reaction does most straight people as much of a disservice as the stereotypes do to lesbians, but it is still often the initial challenge that femmes face on coming out.
"Disbelief usually isn’t intended to be prejudiced, but the effect is hugely insulting – not to mention confidence-bashing." |
If you’ve spent years coming out to yourself, and hiding a part of yourself from others as you struggled to work out your sexuality, then to have someone disbelieve you leaves you feeling undermined, frustrated, and in my case, foolish. This is not what you need when you have one foot out of the closet.
Challenge 2: Connecting to lesbian social and cultural life
If the first step in coming out is psychological and emotional, then the second is navigating the social and cultural world of being gay. Many lesbians spend so long sorting out the former that they don’t give much thought to the latter until they’re already out, even if they have had relationships whilst still in the closet. Suddenly, femmes can feel cast adrift, if, upon plucking up the courage to hit the lesbian scene, there are no other femmes in sight. Whether you're attracted to fellow femmes or non-femmes (I’m not going to use the word ‘butch’ as lesbians are far more diverse than just butch and femme), if you can’t spot anyone who you immediately identify with, the scene can feel a bit intimidating. As though you’ve walked into a parallel universe where everyone seems to know the ‘rules’ better than you (rest assured – they don’t, and ‘rules’ are largely a myth). Of course, just because a person looks like you, it doesn’t follow that they are on your wavelength, and you may have more of a meeting of minds with a non-femme, or a straight person.
"But it’s human to want to feel you fit in – and the first level of
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There are of course, famous femmes, such as Mary Portas, Chely Wright, Portia de Rossi and Jane Hill, who are all great beacons of femme visibility, but this can serve to either be encouraging or disheartening when you’re not coming across many femmes in real life. Which leads on to lesbian culture. Lesbians obviously don’t have to give up all existing or ‘straight’ cultural tastes and adopt a uniform or underground culture on coming out - gay culture now crosses the mainstream anyway - but it can be good to engage with culture in relation to our sexuality as well as other parts of our identities. This includes gay history, politics, news, music, and representations in the arts. A lot of these cover issues that are relevant for all lesbians. For femmes, however, finding specific cultural references can be a bit ‘needle in haystack’. Yes, femmes are represented in TV series such The L Word and Lip Service, and in films, but femme-femme relationships are for the most part depicted in soaps; played by straight women, and playing up to lipstick lesbian stereotypes.
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Challenge 3: What to call yourself ? This refers to the fact that there are lots of different names for feminine lesbians – the most prevalent being ‘femme’ and ‘lipstick lesbian’. ‘Femme’ is the one which refers most obviously to being feminine – both in terms of appearance and character traits (though what exactly ‘feminine traits’ are an unanswerable question!), and not all femmes will be dressed up to the nines in heels and make-up, or have ‘girly’ tastes. Traditionally, femmes are feminine lesbians who are attracted to/partner with ‘butch’ lesbians. In linear butch/femme definitions (which are now much more fluid) femmes were also considered to be sexually passive. |
Then there’s ‘lipstick lesbian’. This is the more technically correct term for a feminine lesbian who is attracted to/partners with other feminine lesbians. However, some lipstick lesbians prefer to use the term femme, due to the fact that lipstick lesbian is a term used a lot to denote straight male fantasies about lesbians. So to say you’re a femme doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re attracted to butch women, or that you’re passive. It could just mean that you consider yourself to be a feminine lesbian, which is how I’m using it in this feature.
"To realise that all of these labels exist can be a bit bewildering.
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It’s true; we shouldn’t have to tick boxes just to be ourselves, and many lesbians don’t define as femme, lipstick, butch, or anything in-between. However, it can help to define a lesbian’s identity and this may be useful when facing...
Challenge 4: Invisibility
Probably the greatest challenge a femme faces, as it applies within the lesbian community as well as outside of it. Its one thing to have to come out repeatedly to unsuspecting straight people (tedious and wearying), but it’s downright depressing to be asked if you’re gay by other lesbians when attending specific lesbian events. It can make a femme despair about fitting in or feel that she’s letting the side down by dressing in a ‘straight’ way, even though femininity doesn’t solely reside in the heterosexual domain. It’s also embarrassing to know you’re seen as a straight woman who’s stumbled into the wrong venue. Even femmes can’t recognise each other outside of lesbian venues (short nails are really the only signifier and that’s not much to go on, or even a given). And if you’re a femme who’s attracted to other femmes, it’s practically impossible to approach someone with any kind of subtlety.
There’s no gaydar that senses that a femme likes other femmes without either acknowledging it or taking a risk by just flirting outright – both of which are quite daunting to do if you’ve just come out (or even years later if you’re not a natural extrovert). Femme invisibility isn’t the same as femme-phobia. There’s no criticism implied here – just no recognition.
There’s no gaydar that senses that a femme likes other femmes without either acknowledging it or taking a risk by just flirting outright – both of which are quite daunting to do if you’ve just come out (or even years later if you’re not a natural extrovert). Femme invisibility isn’t the same as femme-phobia. There’s no criticism implied here – just no recognition.
"Thankfully, there are now femme groups, events and blogs to help femmes
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There’ll also soon be a dating site for femme/femme dating (there’s already one for butch/femme dating) – just Google ‘femme’ or ‘lipstick lesbian’ or search on Twitter. This is great news for femmes, not only in providing resources, but in starting to diversify these in recognition that not all femmes are the same. But in wider society, we’ll just need to keep repeating ourselves until the penny drops that there are as many ways to be a lesbian as there are to be human.
Challenge 5: How to be out
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This is a tricky one for all lesbians. A recent study has added weight to the argument that being ‘out’ is vital for a gay person’s mental health – in addition to the fact that it’s a basic human right. But how ‘out’ do we need to be? It’s not only femmes who are invisible in wider society, so there are occasions in all of our lives when we will need to make a decision about who to come out to, when and how. Whilst it’s important to be honest with ourselves and those close to us about who we are, and not to be in the closet due to fear or shame, being a lesbian (or a femme), is only one part of a person’s identity. True equality would mean that we could be ‘incidentally gay’, that is, it would be an open, accepted fact that doesn’t need to be a big deal or constantly discussed – any more than a straight person’s sexuality needs to be. In other words, we would just ‘be’. But that’s a way off, and we do need to have a level of visibility – in order to meet each other, support each other, and fight for our rights. This doesn’t have to be done in one style though. We don’t all need to constantly wave flags or make announcements about our sexuality in circumstances when we wouldn’t give other personal details away. There isn’t one way to be ‘out’. So whether you want to come out loudly or quietly, immediately or gradually, to everyone or just some, on the scene or not, defined as a femme or undefined; that's more than ok. |
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"Just know that no matter how invisible or alone you may feel, there are other femmes out there.
We may not immediately recognise each other but we can connect if we know how and where."
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